The Book of Naruto
by HitokiriOTD
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto has been many things to many people. To some, he is a friend, a comrade, and perhaps even a hero. To others, he is an enemy, a nuisance, and a villain. But he's never been a god before.
1. First Testament

**The Book of Naruto**

_**First Testament**_ / _In_ _the Beginning_

By HitokiriOTD

**I**_n the beginning, a bridge was built. It was a bridge called 'Hope', which lead to 'Courage.'_

Courage led to the completion of the Great Naruto Bridge. Slowly, the Country of the Wave began to recover from many long years of oppression. Time passed and the country had begun to flourish as a center of commerce once more. All in all, this made Tazuna the bridge builder a very happy—and incidentally, very rich—man. In fact, he was so happy that he would often go out at night to drink at different bars, which were far livelier than they had been while Gatou had lived. Of course, he had often gone out for a drink—or ten—before Gatou had died, but now the sake was cheaper and the people more cheerful, so it was a completely different experience. At least, that's what he told his daughter Tsunami.

Tazuna was a connoisseur of alcoholic beverages, which meant that he often got drunk. He had once been a somber and somewhat mean drunk, snapping at and belittling any who dared to interrupt his appreciation of alcoholic beverages, but lately he had so much to be happy about that he had become quite talkative on his way to becoming quite unconscious. The old man always had an audience listening to his stories, due partly to the newfound respect that he commanded as the builder of the Great Naruto Bridge and partly to the riveting content of Tazuna's favorite story. His newfound popularity had nothing to do with the fact that he was very amusing after his third bottle of sake. His favorite story was the one where he tripped that one time and fell face first into the cleavage of a very beautiful—and, more importantly, very stacked—blond woman. According to Tazuna, she had the biggest bre—bust he had ever seen. Huge. Massive, even. There was a little pink pig dressed in a coat involved as well, but few dwelled on that. Had it been a flying pig that might have changed, but instead they would say, "Let's talk more about those breasts, instead…"

His second favorite story was a new one, a tale of courage, bravery, and high heroism. It told of dangerous missing-nin, incredibly evil businessmen, heroic ninja, and lots of bloody combat. The heroes, apart from Tazuna himself, were Konoha ninja. One name stood above the rest in Tazuna's drunken ramblings.

That name was Uzumaki Naruto.

* * *

**A**_nd the Word spread from the Wave, slowly, creeping into the hearts and minds of men as it traveled._

* * *

Like all good stories, Tazuna's tale of Team 7's, and more importantly of Naruto's, courage began to spread. At first it traveled from bar to bar, spreading as far as the sake flowed. The story left the Wave, carried in the minds of merchants and travelers and between the curses of sailors. It entered ports and border towns, told over a few shots of sake. Slowly it began to leak into other parts of society. It took hold in Water's red light districts next. From there it began to spread into every part of the Country of Water. As with every story, it changed and grew with each telling, and a legend began to take shape.

"…to always carry a seal that can never be removed. A guy like you can never understand what it means!"

"No. I understand." Blue eyes sparked with emotion. The shadow of nine tails loomed. "And… so what?" In the stands, dozens of eyes tracked Naruto with intense interest. Though he did not know it, Naruto's words and actions were being watched very carefully, and not just by other shinobi. The power he exhibited left more than the Konoha shinobi who recognized it speechless. Later, after the invasion, stories of a great battle in the forests outside of Konoha began to filter through town. Accounts of a blond ninja battling a giant sand demon along side of a massive frog were dismissed by many in Konoha. There were very few blond Konoha-nin, and the one who could have been in the area could not have possibly done it. It was, however, taken with much more credulity in the outskirts of Konoha, in the lodging towns where most of Konoha's visitors stayed.

* * *

**S**_o the deeds of Naruto began to grow in number, and tales of his greatness spread…_

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata stared at the babbling archeologist and the scroll laid out on the mahogany table. She was feeling rather confused. She, and the rest of her team, had come to the Country of the Wave on a C-rank mission. They were assigned to protect an archeologist named Asani Shindou as he made his way to a newly discovered dig site. They had arrived without trouble, and the archeologist had joined his team in the dig immediately. Team 8's last day on the mission had arrived without incident, but now there had apparently been a big discovery, at least if Shindou-san's behavior was any indication. The archeologist, Shindou-san, had struck her as a sensible, laid-back person—even if he did go to bars too often. But since he had finished reading the old scroll that he had found only hours ago, he had the look of a man experiencing a revelation. Shindou-san also seemed to have lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences, which made her wonder if maybe he had been infected with her timidity.

"Tch," Kiba made a disgusted noise. "This is boring, right Akamaru?" The small dog barked in reply. _Is Akamaru getting bigger? _Hinata wondered idly. His voice seemed deeper, somehow. "We're going outside," Kiba told his teammates. He paused at the door, "You want to come, Hinata?"

"No," Hinata shook her head. She wanted to know what was inside that scroll.

"Hinata," Shino's voice drew her attention. Once he saw that he had it, he nodded after Kiba.

"Ah, it's alright," she assured him. Shino nodded and followed after Kiba, no doubt in an effort to keep their hot-headed teammate out of trouble. It had taken her a while to be able to interpret Shino's non-vocal signals, but she was getting pretty good at it. Well, not that good, of course… but…

Shindou-san made a strange noise, snapping Hinata out of her thoughts. She looked at the middle-aged, sun-weathered archeologist, only to find him gazing at her with burning eyes. Hinata squeaked fearfully. "You're a Konoha ninja, right?"

"Y-yes," she stammered nervously, trying to hide her sudden confusion. She failed, just like she did at everything else.

"Do you know an Uzumaki Naruto?" It was as if her heart had stopped. It had been two months since Naruto-kun had left Konoha with Jiraiya-sama—an extremely long and depressing two months for Hyuuga Hinata. Unlike his previous departures, she knew that he would not be back for a whole two or three years, which made it so much more depressing. Naruto-kun had left to train and grow stronger, and Hinata couldn't begrudge him that. She knew how much the opportunity meant to him, just as she had seen how much his failure to bring back Sasuke had hurt him. Surely he would come back incredibly strong, stronger than anyone… He would be handsome too, and taller, and when he came back and saw how she had (hopefully) grown he would look at her and… Hinata flushed, scarlet infusing her cheeks. But… she hadn't even been able to say goodbye face-to-face… She hadn't been able to tell him…

"…inata? Hinata!" The girl blinked as Shindou-san's loud voice barged into her thoughts. Her blush grew deeper in embarrassment, as she realized that she had spaced out thinking about Naruto—again.

"I know Naruto-kun," she said softly, pushing her index fingers together. She wondered why Shindou-san would know that name. After a moment, Hinata remembered that Naruto was a celebrity in the Wave. He had come here for his first C-rank mission, and had apparently become a hero to the people of the Wave. It made her feel so proud of him, that he had been able to make so many people see his worth. Kiba had been incredulous, and even Shino's eyebrows had risen, but Hinata just knew that the stories they had heard were true. Hearing them gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling. _Naruto-kun…_

"Does he look like this?" Shindou asked intently, turning the scroll around to face her. Hinata blinked and looked down to study the picture. It was clearly old, and the colors had faded greatly. Still, it had been preserved remarkably well. The figure pictured on the scroll's faded leather was tall and strong looking. What caught her eye first was the spiky, wild hair. Faded blotches of yellow indicated that the figure was blond. The eyes seemed blue-looking to her. There were marks on the figure's cheeks. Did it look like Naruto-kun? Sort of. She pictured him in her mind, ten years older. Hinata flushed again.

"Mhmm…" Hinata's eyes opened, only to find Shindou looking at her strangely. "Eep!" was all she could vocalize once she realized the nature of the sound that had escaped her, in front of a complete stranger no less. "Yes," she blurted hastily, trying to divert the archeologist's attention. "It… kind of… looks like Naruto-kun."

The archeologist's eyes gleamed. "I see," he murmured. Finally, he smiled. "Sit down," he told the genin. "Let me tell you what this scroll says, and what I think it means."

* * *

**T**_he seeds of the Word had spilled forth, and they began to bear fruit. Tales of our Lord's glory had spread, and they paved the way for Word…_

* * *

Naruto stared up at Hinata, almost tauntingly. Slowly, her lips grew closer… Hinata bit down. She chewed absently, staring down into the ramen bowl. It was incredibly nostalgic for her to eat at Ichiraku, despite the fact that she had never eaten there at the same time as Naruto. Nonetheless, when she ate there it was like she could feel Naruto's presence. It was nice; comforting. Comforting was just what she needed. Her thoughts had been even more scattered than usual since the mission to the Wave country. That had been three months ago, but doubts still plagued her. The contents of the scroll were just coincidence, right? There was no way that Naruto was… Naruto was…

_Naruto-kun, _Hinata sighed, happy thoughts filling her head. Abruptly, she shook her head almost violently, causing Ayame and Teuchi to look at her strangely. She didn't notice. _I did it again, _she thought. Hinata had daydreamed about Naruto for years, but ever since he had left it had become a more and more frequent occurrence for her. It was starting to become noticeable to others. She thought about the scroll again. _Could it be true? _Hinata wondered, for the thousandth time. Still, a part of her felt that it suited him. She liked the sound of it, really.

Hinata frowned at her empty bowl. Apparently she had eaten all of it on auto-pilot. Abruptly she felt tearful, staring at the empty ramen bowl. It was a metaphor, she decided. Naruto was gone, but Hinata had been left behind. She was like a bowl without ramen in it. Her life suddenly felt pointless. Hinata gripped the edges of the bowl tightly. _I want to be by Naruto-kun's side. I want to eat ramen with Naruto-kun. _Her shoulders shook. Tears fell down into the bowl. _Naruto-kun. Naruto-kun. Naruto-kun!_

"Hinata...?" Ayame's worried voice trailed off in disbelief. Hinata vaguely heard the sound of something metallic being dropped. She looked up, gazing through teary eyes at Teuchi and Ayame's gaping expressions. A smell drifted up to her noise and worked its way into her brain. _Warm, _she thought fuzzily. How something could smell warm, she didn't know, but it did. In fact, it smelled incredibly delicious. The smell alone made her hungry for whatever it was, despite the fact that she had just eaten. She looked down as her fingers reported a warm sensation. _What…?_

It was ramen; warm, tasty looking ramen. Chicken, her nose reported. A fishcake sat daintily on top, exactly center. She stared at it, bewildered. Hinata looked up. "Did you…?" Hinata began to ask, only to trail off. Father and daughter shook their heads.

"It just… appeared out of nowhere," Ayame breathed wonderingly. Teuchi nodded, still unable to speak. Hinata looked around, trying to spot anyone suspicious. She even activated her Byakugan to study her new bowl of soup. There was nothing. Hesitantly, she took her chopsticks and gathered some noodles. She took a bite. The taste seemed to course through her whole body. It was the most incredible thing she had ever eaten. It slid down her throat gently, and settled warmly in her stomach. She felt warm and comforted. Her tears dried and she began to eat eagerly, heartily. For some reason, the ramen reminded her of Naruto. She finished the bowl all too quickly. Hinata felt a pang of disappointment at the sight of the empty bowl, but then her suspicions came back to her.

It was another coincidence. But it felt connected. Naruto, the scroll, the mysterious ramen… they were all connected. Yet, it was impossible. She tried to remember what had happened when the bowl had filled itself. _It can't be, _she thought, but her trembling hands nonetheless came up and griped the bowl again. She closed her eyes and bowed her head. _Naruto-kun! _Hinata sat still for several long minutes, her hands on the bowl, thinking intensely. Teuchi and Ayame watched her, torn between concern and curiosity—and not a little trepidation on Teuchi's part. They too wanted to see the strange little miracle repeat itself. Hinata finally lifted her head, sighing in defeat. Ayame's amazed gasp brought Hinata's eyes back to the bowl almost instantly. She gasped as well as a liquid spiral of ramen broth drew itself on the bottom of the bowl. The spiral grew into a miniature whirlpool of broth, and then noodles and toppings began to flow out of the whirling center.

The three of them stared, completely stunned, at the steaming bowl of scrumptious ramen. Teuchi's mind raced through investment opportunities. If he played his cards right, he could conquer the ramen market! But Hinata was the most shocked, as her mind tried to comprehend the implications of the ramen in front of her.

* * *

**A**_nd so He comforted Hinata and allowed her to taste His divine providence. Hinata tasted, and believed…_

* * *

_I'm going crazy, _Naruto thought, absently rubbing his forearms. Lately he had been getting the strangest feelings. Sometimes he thought he could hear people talking in his head, only he couldn't hear what they were saying. His dreams were downright bizarre, he knew that much, but he couldn't remember exactly what they were when he woke up. It had been nearly eight months since he had left Konoha with Jiraiya, or rather ero-sennin, and he had been training hard. But things had started to get weird around four or five months ago, and not the mundane rain-of-frogs kind of weird either. Sure, he felt stronger, healthier, and more alive than he had ever felt in his life, but his head was breaking. He was cracking, going nuts, and it was probably ero-sennin's fault. Sure, the perverted toad hermit was a good teacher, but that was only when he bothered to teach at all. Jiraiya's favorite teaching strategy seemed to be 'sink or swim.' This often put meant putting Naruto into extremely perilous situations and then leaving to peek at women. Naruto had lost count of how many times he had faced death in the past eight months. Oh, he was learning, but it seemed like an extremely sadistic method of training.

Ero-sennin had, at first, concentrated on honing Naruto's basic skills and having Naruto try to extract the Kyuubi's chakra at faster rates. The training had gone well until about four or five months ago, which was when Naruto began to lose his mind. Suddenly it was like there was barrier between Naruto and the Kyuubi that he could not breach. He could no longer contact the monster fox nor feel its chakra. Both teacher and student had been confused by this turn of events, and Naruto had nearly died three times before the idiot hermit was satisfied that the Kyuubi had somehow completely blocked himself off from Naruto. That was the only conclusion that seemed logical, since the seal was intact and Naruto was completely clueless. Naruto's training had then abruptly shifted gears into intensive stamina and chakra control training, and he had excelled at them with a speed that surprised him.

But while Naruto's training was going well, everything outside of training was not. He was losing his mind with only Jiraiya for company; or rather he was losing his mind because he only had Jiraiya for company. He missed Sakura-chan incredibly. Hell, he even missed Kakashi-sensei, the tardy pervert. _Tsunade-obaachan, Iruka-sensei, Konohamaru, Teuchi-occhan, Ayame-neechan… _the list went on. Ero-sennin was a precious person to him, sure, but he grated on the nerves after prolonged exposure—well, to fair, he grated on the nerves even without prolonged exposure. Although this probably stemmed more from his repeated attempts to murder Naruto than anything else. _He calls that training, _Naruto grumbled. _Then he goes off to peek! _Just thinking about it was irritating. But it wasn't just a matter of Naruto feeling homesick. For some reason, everywhere they went was struck by storms, tornados, and even small hurricanes. It was ridiculous, it was irritating, and it was baffling. It was as if storm systems were following Naruto around. Training with constant rain and gales may have boosted the effectiveness of his training routines, but it was also annoying as hell.

What really convinced Naruto that he was losing his mind was the fact that, for several weeks now, he had started getting some very odd impressions. It was certainly an urge he could relate with and one he felt should be encouraged whole-heartedly... but still, what the hell? Why did he suddenly feel like Hinata had some very strong cravings for ramen?

* * *

**H**_e gifted the faithful, and they multiplied…_

* * *

As a shinobi village, it was important for Konohagakure to keep its ear to the ground, so to speak. Konoha, like all ninja villages, maintained an expansive information network and was rarely uninformed of events in neighboring countries. Needless to say, that information network was even more exceptional within the boundaries of the Fire nation itself. Thus, when whispers of a new religion began to come from their neighbors, it was noted in Konoha. When those whispers started to emerge within the Country of Fire, it made the intelligence specialists sit up and take notice. Teams were dispatched to gather information. What they came back with shocked the intelligence analysts and their supervisors to the core. It was decided that the matter was clearly critical, and passed on directly to the Hokage.

Tsunade stared at the report in utter silence. Nervously, the Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai member shifted on the balls of his feet. None of the Hokage were known for blaming the messenger, but Tsunade's temper was as legendary as her strength and supremely bad gambling skills, though not quite as legendary as her… other assets. _That brat, _Tsunade thought without heat, _even when he's not around he gives me headaches. _She rubbed her temple absently. It seemed ridiculous. How could Naruto, of all people, have a religion spring up around him? _But then, _Tsunade realized, _it makes an odd sort of sense. _Naruto could get into the strangest situations. He could also get out of the strangest situations with what seemed like pure luck and lots of guts. He inspired people, and apparently he had done something so crazy that someone had decided that he was a god. It still seemed astoundingly stupid to Tsunade, but that was life.

Finally, she shrugged and set the report down. The gesture did interesting things to her chest, but the ANBU was too nervous to appreciate it like he normally would. One of the benefits of wearing a mask all of the time was that no one could tell exactly where your eyes were focused. "Thank you," she said absently, setting the report aside and fiddling with the papers on her desk. It was clearly a dismissal and the ANBU moved to leave. A thought occurred to Tsunade. "Just a moment," she said abruptly, causing her masked subordinate to freeze in place. "Have someone call Team 8 into my office," she ordered.

"I understand," the operative snapped to attention again before turning sharply and retreating through the door.

"You wished to see us, Hokage-sama?" Kurenai asked when Team 8 finally arrived in Tsunade's office.

"Yes. About your recent mission…" Tsunade conducted a thorough debriefing before dismissing the team. Once they were gone, the Godaime stared down at her interlaced fingers, her mouth twitching. Finally, she burst into laughter.

"Ano…" Tsunade's laughter cut off abruptly and she jerked her head up to stare at an uncertain Hyuuga Hinata.

Tsunade cleared her throat, doing her best to look dignified and composed. "Yes?"

"I was wondering…" Hinata trailed off and she began to push her index fingers together. Tsunade hadn't been Hokage for very long, and she wasn't familiar with many of her subordinates, but she could tell a nervous gesture when she saw one.

"You were wondering?" the first female Hokage prompted.

"I... that is…" _Is she blushing?_ Tsunade wondered. "Do you…?" Even for Hinata, this was ridiculous. She visibly gathered herself. "Doyouthinkthatitcouldbetrue?"

Tsunade blinked. "What?" she asked blankly. _First she can't get it out, and then when she does it comes out too fast, _she thought in exasperation.

Hinata's blush darkened. "Do you think that it could be true?" she whispered.

"Could what…?" Now it was Tsunade's turn to trail off as realization hit her. "Naruto?" she exclaimed in disbelief. When Hinata nodded shyly, Tsunade could not contain herself. She snorted. She snickered. She giggled. She guffawed. She laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. She did all of this in a dignified manner, as befitting of the Hokage, of course. When she finally recovered, Hinata had faded from the doorway, presumably too embarrassed to stay and continue her conversation with the indisposed Sannin. Her desk had also been thoroughly smashed, though Tsunade was mystified as to why. As the Godaime contemplated the pile of tinder wood that had once been one of her drawers another visitor entered her office.

"Excuse me…?" Kurenai trailed off uncertainly. Tsunade's strength and temper were well known, and the fact that the Hokage had smashed her desk could be construed as a bad sign. "I'll come back another time," Kurenai said quickly, deciding that retreat was the better part of valor.

"Wait," Tsunade snapped. Kurenai froze in mortal terror. "What is it?" the Legendary Sucker continued more gently.

"I was just… I was wondering if you had a moment…?" Tsunade stared at the crimson-eyed woman. _Did Hinata rub off on her, or did she rub off on Hinata? _Until now, she had always assumed that it was the former, but then again she had never seen Kurenai display any traits that she shared with Hinata.

"I'm free," Tsunade sighed, looking at the broken remains of her polished desk. _It was an antique too. What a waste. _She could just imagine how much she could have pawned the desk for… back in her less responsible days, of course. She was the Hokage now, and she couldn't do things like pawn off the village's antiques or use Konoha's funds to pay off her debts, no matter how much she was tempted to at times. Besides, it would be impossible. Shizune watched her like a hawk.

"I wanted to ask for your advice," Kurenai said, no longer whimpering in terror.

"About…?" What was it with people making leading statements and not following up today? It was irritating to Tsunade.

"I think…" she trailed off again and Tsunade's subsequent glare was more than enough to unglue her jaw. "I think that Hinata has joined a cult!"

* * *

While Tsunade was more inclined to read the report and laugh, Danzou was anything but amused. He looked up, gazing at the Root operative with his only good eye. "This information is credible?"

"Yes, Danzou-sama." He frowned at the answer. This was not a situation that he had ever expected to deal with. How was he supposed to work with this development so that the Leaf came out on top? Danzou's frown deepened. No palatable course of action presented itself. Yet a move had to be made, and if he couldn't spin it in his favor then attacking seemed to be the best choice.

"Call a meeting," he told the 'Ne' member. "It's time for the Root to act, for the good of Konoha."

_Or so I said, _Danzou sighed wearily as he looked around the table. Konoha's 'Council,' and it was a term Danzou used very loosely despite their usefulness to him, was mostly made up of the rich and influential citizens of the village. They were mostly successful businessmen and they didn't understand anything about shinobi, which was why they were useful. Homura and Koharu represented the real power in Konoha, outside of himself and the Hokage, but they had become surprisingly tractable since the old monkey's death. Moreover, they didn't have a soft heart regarding the jinchuuriki, unlike the monkey and his female student. _Honestly, a weapon should know its place. It's even more important that its wielders know its place. _The handling of Konoha's jinchuuriki was just one of many items on Danzou's long list of grievances with the Hokage and her predecessor. They would go along with his plan, as long as he presented it properly. But he needed the backing of the so-called Council due to their influence.

"The Hokage clearly is not going to act on this matter," Danzou said quietly, looking at each man in turn. "But this is a critical matter that cannot be ignored, which is why I have come to you." They preened as he stroked their self-important egos. Danzou concealed a sneer. "This so-called religion," he spat the word 'religion' out as if it were a curse, "is a threat to Konoha's well-being. It must be stamped out." They nodded like the sheep they were. Their unreasoning hate for the jinchuuriki was incredibly obvious, and it made them all too easy to manipulate.

"Kill the demon brat!" one man cheered maliciously.

"Yes!"

"Oh, yes!"

"Kill him!" Danzou rolled his eyes. Every time discussion of the jinchuuriki had come up in the presence of the Council it dissolved into a hateful orgy. Eventually they would start shouting and foaming at the mouth, caught in a mixture of rage at the jinchuuriki and ecstasy at the thought of beating him to death. Honestly, the way that normally intelligent and functional human beings could descend so far into stupidity at the mere mention of one boy's name was beyond pitiful. Someone moaned at a particularly graphic description of maiming the Uzumaki brat and Danzou grimaced. If he didn't stop them soon the meeting would either descend into a disturbingly homosexual mutual masturbation session—and Danzou was just not into that—or they would form a lynch mob, completely disregarding the fact that the jinchuuriki was in the care of Jiraiya and even the Root didn't know where he was. And that wasn't even considering the shouting. If things didn't calm down they would start shouting out their hate in all caps—"STUPID DEMON! HE DESERVES TO DIE!"—and that just wasn't pleasant. Too late. With forced calm, Danzou wiped off some spittle that had landed on his face with his voluminous sleeve.

His eyebrow ticked as the room erupted into shouting, just as he had predicted. _What's the point of having a secret meeting, if any half-decent nin within a hundred yards will be able to hear what we are doing? _It wasn't the first time he had grumbled about this. No, this happened every time. But that was fine. It was the price he had to pay, for the good of Konoha. _Honestly, haven't they ever heard of the old monkey's law? How they survived all of these years while shouting 'DEMON!' is beyond me. _He wasn't bitter about it at all. He had never even _thought _of tipping off the monkey's ANBU and watching their heads roll. "Ahem," he cleared his throat forcefully. They continued shouting. Danzou nearly growled in frustration. He slammed his only hand into the polished surface of the table, and the report from the impact was like a thunderclap. He smiled as the Council subsided into stunned silence.

_I knew it would come in handy one day, _the leader of 'Ne' thought triumphantly. When he had lost his arm, he had also lost his ability to clap. It had been a harsh blow to the young Danzou, since his sarcastic clap was infamous among his peers and served as a critical component of his sour, biting humor. Many, including the old monkey Sarutobi, had agreed that his witticisms just weren't the same without it. He had worked tirelessly in secret to discover a way to regain his lost pride and the ability to make a clapping noise. Eventually he had perfected a way to use chakra to simulate the noise. Unfortunately, the chakra-charged nature of his one-handed clap tended to be more booming than was appropriate for insincere applause. But finally… finally all of his hard work had shown results. So what if he couldn't clap? Being able to stun a room into submission just by slapping a nearby hard surface was way better.

"As I was saying, we need to take measures against this unpleasant trend. However, because it has become a relatively widespread cult, using force is not an intelligent option." Danzou paused and considered his audience. "Using force is _not_ an option," he repeated, glaring at the council, several of whom had already pulled out their hooded masks. "Our goal is to stamp this so-called 'Narutoism' out, not create martyrs to fuel the fire. Thus, we must discredit the cult. The easiest way to do that is to discredit Uzumaki." Danzou looked around the table. "Does anyone have any ideas?" Several minutes of drooling idiocy followed, or at least that was what it seemed like to Danzou. It was amazing that the men around the table were successful businessmen and politicians when they could not even produce a half-way sane idea between them.

"…oke no Jutsu," Danzou blinked and looked up.

"What was that?"

The councilman blinked uncertainly and somewhat fearfully. "Oiroke no Jutsu?" he asked.

"Yes," Danzou had heard of Uzumaki's shameless technique, but it didn't seem to relate to the matter at hand. "What about it?"

"Well…" the councilman swallowed nervously, "I believe that was his first original technique. Someone whose first technique is so worthless and idiotic couldn't possibly be a god. So I was thinking… err, that we could use that angle to discredit him?" he finished hesitantly.

Danzou frowned thoughtfully. It seemed shaky at best, but there weren't any better ideas to be had at the moment. There was precious little to truly use to discredit the boy, other than the fact that he housed a bijuu, was a rather notorious prankster, and seemed to be rather stupid and incompetent. The first was the best angle to take, but it would also draw way too much attention from the Hokage and could end with heads rolling. He had to remind himself that that would be a bad thing. Danzou still had a use for them, after all. The second had little weight to it. That left the third option, which was to cast doubt on Uzumaki's suitability as an object of worship by assaulting his intelligence and demeanor. It would work as an opening salvo, Danzou decided. Even if it didn't do much damage at least it would cast doubt, and doing something was better than sitting still and doing nothing at all. "Alright," he said finally, "we will try that."

* * *

**S**_o, in their wretched ignorance, the Shadows sought to strike at our Lord. Yet our Lord is powerful and wise, and all of their schemes would come to naught before His glory…_

* * *

Reina was a very exceptional genin. She stood out from her peers for several reasons. One was that she was a genin at all. She was not particularly fast or strong. Her ninjutsu was nearly nonexistent, her genjutsu was awful, and she possessed no skill at taijutsu. She was also lacking in stamina. Many of her instructors and teammates had, at that point, gone "Aha!" in realization. Surely that meant she was super-intelligent, right? But Reina was gullible and no one had, once they had gotten to know her even slightly, ever accused her of being in any way intelligent. Well, some did, but it was usually said in conjunction with phrases like "as a doorknob" or "than a snail."

Yet Reina was a natural prodigy. She had excelled above all others in one aspect of shinobi—or more specifically, kunoichi—arts. She was a natural seductress. Even at a young age it had been clear that Reina had inherited better genes than most, and by the time most of her kunoichi classmates were starting to despair about the pace of their growth Reina could only be politely called a very _healthy_ girl. Her very healthy natural assets had seemed almost unnaturally, hypnotically bouncy to the instructors of the Academy—which was perhaps the very reason why they marked her down with passing grades. Or at least it was the reason the male instructors did. The female instructors had little to complain about, aside from the stirrings of instinctive envy at the girl's developments. Reina excelled in seduction techniques, not only because of her genetics but also because of her natural talent in psychological warfare… against men. Her talents had only developed further as she grew older.

That was probably why she had been cornered in a dark alley. She wasn't all that bright, but she was aware of the attention her developments gathered and what men wanted to do with them. But these men had decided to take things by force and Reina was helpless to stop them. She was outnumbered, out-massed, and outclassed. Had they only been civilians, even an incompetent ninja like her could have worked something out. Unfortunately for her, her opponents were shinobi. Reina stared at the dark, blurry shadows that loomed around her with tearful eyes. She was hunched over, her hands crossed over chest in a futile attempt to conceal its ripe dimensions. She whimpered fearfully, fervently wishing that there was someone nearby to save her. The genin couldn't muster the courage to scream. _Please, somebody… _

They drew closer, and she could hear the ominous sound of a zipper being undone.

_Anybody…_

Cruel, lustful smirks twisted their faces. A kunai glittered in the dull light.

_Kami-sama… please…_

It hit her like a bolt of lightning. She had known about Uzumaki Naruto… nearly everyone in Konoha did. She was also just old enough to know about the secret he carried. Unlike most, she had never really thought about it. None of her family had been lost in the Kyuubi's rampage and she had no reason to bear a grudge against him. Mostly she just never thought about it. But recently there had been strange rumors swirling around the boy. Reina didn't dwell much on these either. At least, she hadn't until she had witnessed Hyuuga Hinata praying—or something—to "Naruto-kun" in training area 57 and seen her bowl miraculously fill itself with steaming ramen. Even Reina had known that she had just witnessed something exceptional.

Recently, there had been more rumors on top of rumors. Word of mouth carried tales of stupidity, ignorance, gross incompetence, and the Oiroke no Jutsu. It had actually calmed many people in Konoha down as the new rumors invalidated the old ones. Reina remembered the tales of the Oiroke no Jutsu the best, mostly since it coincided with her greatest talents. But now she realized what it really had been all along. _Naruto-sama, _she thought gratefully, _thank you for your guidance! _He had heard her desperate prayers and given her the inspiration she needed to get out of this situation. Resolve filled her. Had she been able to give it words, it would have gone something like, "When all routes of escape are cut off, the only option left is to break through." She _had _listened to the lectures at the Academy. Was it her fault that she didn't remember them very well?

Reina was not very skilled at Henge, but she didn't need to be. She had all of the weapons she needed onboard. But she formed the ram seal anyway. She needed the advantage of surprise for her gambit to work. Alarm etched across the features of her attackers as their docile prey seemed to prepare to fight back. Smoke burst around Reina. Slowly it began to disperse.

One of her attackers groaned aloud. The smoke had cleared enough to hint at Reina's bare curves without revealing anything too critical. Soon, however, the smoky cloud had turned into wisps that barely concealed her nipples and shadowed the junction between her thighs. Reina bent forward, bringing one arm up across her breasts, both for concealment and support. She looked at the bug-eyed man who had groaned and gave him her best sultry smile, which was very, very good. Reina gazed into his eyes, ignoring the nauseous feeling this brought to her stomach, and batted her long, dark eyelashes alluringly. "Ahn," she moaned softly, licking her full red lips. He stiffened in more ways than one and his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. A dark red flush spread across his face as he began to look dazed. The would-be rapist passed out and slumped to the ground, a trail of blood flowing from his nose.

She pouted at the sight of the unconscious man. "Ne," she purred, turning to the rest of the men and cocking a shapely hip out. "Weren't we going to have fun?" she drawled huskily. A chorus of dumb nods answered her. "Then let's do it," she murmured, licking her lips again in anticipation. Several pairs of glazed eyes tracked the movements her glistening, glossed lips made as she talked—not to mention the subtle ways her perky chest moved. Her bow-shaped mouth pursed as she continued, "To-" They leaned forward, "-ge-" her seductive whisper paused again, "-ther," she finished breathily.

Several explosive nosebleeds erupted as the men passed out simultaneously. Reina stared at the fallen bodies and the blood. Relief filled her, followed by thankfulness. She threw her head back, her long, wavy red hair flowing behind her, and smiled happily. "Naruto-sama…" she moaned in adulation. _He saved me!_ Reina realized gleefully. She had been right! Those rumors were a sign! The nineteen year old genin looked down at the devastation she had wrought and her smile deepened. A quiver ran through her. "Naruto-sama…" she panted breathily. It was all so clear now. Reina glanced down at her body, all taut, toned muscles and soft, extravagant curves that served to drive men mad. He was her god, and she would worship him the best way she knew how… with her body.

* * *

**I**_n His great wisdom, our Lord gifted the weak with the strength to overcome the strong. It was thus that He struck down the scheme that tarnished His name and claimed a Bride. In the Land of Holy Fire, there was much rejoicing among believers as our Lord's benevolent hand showed itself among them._

* * *

Hinata sighed unhappily as she watched Shino and Kiba spar. Lately, it seemed that she had a lot to sigh about. She had become a chuunin along with Kiba, Shino, and most of the other rookies. That was good, since it meant that she was becoming stronger, but it was bad because a screw up on a mission carried greater consequences, due to their increased difficulty and importance. Her family and her father in particular were pleased with her promotion, which was great, but they also took it as a sign that she could stand to be trained harder… much harder. That was unpleasant, to say the least. Then there had been that debacle where rumors of Naruto's incompetence seemed to spike at an all-time high. Hinata had spent most of those weeks in a state of fury and despair as Naruto-kun's name was viciously slandered—more than usual—throughout the village. No one had noticed her anger, but she had been _this _close to ripping Kiba's head off if he started talking smack about Naruto even one more time…!

Hinata coughed lightly and took a deep, calming breath. It wouldn't do to harm her teammates. Really, Kiba-kun meant well, and he couldn't help the fact that he was an idiot. Besides, that incident had all been resolved. It was true that it had been resolved rather bizarrely, but it was finished nonetheless. So what if some jaw-droppingly gorgeous, huge-breasted sex kitten of a genin was walking—bouncing, really—around the village claiming to have been saved by Naruto? Hinata didn't care that she was going around calling herself "Naruto-sama's bride." Not at all. Really. Besides, the main thing was that the slander against Naruto had died down again, and that made Hinata happy enough to not go through with her violent fantasies of hunting down that busty witch and beating her within an inch of her life. Not that she thought that anyone was a witch or anything… Hinata would never intentionally hurt anyone without good cause.

But whatever the vapid trollop was raving about, it was having too much of an effect. How many pretty women had Hinata seen wearing an orange piece of jewelry lately? Far too many, that was for sure. She had found out, through completely accidental use of her Byakugan as she tailed the flouncing floozy, that women who wore a visible article of bright orange jewelry considered themselves to be followers of Naruto. They were not just any followers either. She still hadn't put together all of the pieces, but she had heard the words "Naruto-sama" and "seed" mentioned way too many times for her comfort. An extremely sinister plot was afoot and Hinata knew beyond a doubt that she needed to stop it as soon as possible… even if she had to use lethal force.

"Hinata," a soft voice sounded by her side, "are you alright?" The girl started and voiced a small exclamation of surprise—which was absolutely not a squeak, for a Hyuuga did notsqueak.

"Kurenai-sensei," Hinata greeted, absently fiddling with the bracelet she had taken to wearing. Despite the fact that Team 8's three genin had all advanced to chuunin, Kurenai remained in command of their squad. In fact, they rarely had missions that separated them. Lately, Kurenai had been acting odd towards Hinata. She paid far more attention to Hinata than normal, and she seemed worried constantly. Hinata might have gone as far as to say that Kurenai was suspicious of her, had she not known better. "I'm fine," she replied quietly.

"I see," the jounin smiled. Hinata quelled a sudden pang of envy. Kurenai was so pretty, and she had the sort of dangerous curves that made men drool. _If I looked more like Kurenai-sensei… _Surely Naruto-kun would pay more attention to her. Hinata knew it wasn't a fair comparison, since Kurenai was in her late twenties and had finished developing years ago, but that didn't make her feel any better. There was no guarantee that she would develop half as well as Kurenai had. She was a shy, dark weirdo, and the chances that she might become beautiful like Kurenai—_Or like that slu-scarlet woman, Reina, _whispered a treacherous part of her mind—seemed impossibly slim.

"I'm fine," Hinata repeated more forcefully, trying to convince herself of that. _I'm fine just as I am, _she thought, except in her heart she knew that she was lying to herself. She didn't feel fine as she was.

"Hinata," Kurenai began, her tone serious. Hinata turned her attention back to Kurenai. "You know…" she trailed off uncomfortably. "You know that you can come to me if you're having any… issues, right?"

Hinata blinked. "Yes," she agreed uncertainly.

"Are you having any… issues?" Kurenai's red gaze bore into Hinata. The girl flushed. _Issues? _Hinata asked mentally. _Oh no! _Hinata came to a horrific realization. _Not _that _talk! I learned about that when I was eleven. I don't need to go through that again!_

"I've already discussed it with someone," Hinata said quickly, trying to head off the impending "talk." She still got shivers every time she thought about it. Her father had brought out charts. Charts! And then there was that inflatable doll…

"You have?" Kurenai asked, startled. "Who?"

_It's surprising? _Hinata wondered. _I'm nearly fourteen, not to mention the fact that I'm a kunoichi!_ "You wouldn't know them," Hinata assured her teacher. There was no way that she would say "my father." It had never happened!

Kurenai frowned. Her suspicions only seemed to be getting deeper. _Is she talking about her recruitment? Her indoctrination? _Kurenai nearly gasped. _What if she's already recruiting others!? _She knew then that she had to save Hinata before the girl plunged too far into the dark, seedy, unhinged world of cultism. "Hinata!" Kurenai barked.

The girl jumped, "Yes?" She tapped her fingers together nervously.

Kurenai placed her hands on Hinata's shoulders and looked down at her student earnestly. "It's okay," she said soothingly, "really. It's a normal thing for a young girl to go through." It wasn't really, but she needed to appear reassuring to Hinata. Hinata's mind dissolved into pure panic. _I don't want to listen to it again! Never, ever! _"I mean… I know how confusing it can be, when you're just starting to grow into a woman. I know the sudden flood of changes can be shocking, and maybe you want to turn to something that you shouldn't just to stem the tide." Hinata began to actively fight against her teacher's hold. Kurenai, thinking that Hinata's indoctrination had started to kick in and that her words must be getting through, clutched the girl tighter. "But you shouldn't! You can't just reach out to whatever is nearby or convenient to plug the gap! You need to talk about it and make an informed decision!"

_Byakugan! _Hinata's bloodline limit surged to life and the girl twisted desperately. Chakra shot violently from her pores as she began her rotation. Kurenai, recognizing the technique, leapt back just in time to avoid the swirling blue whirl of chakra. _Kaiten! _Dust and debris obscured her vision, and behind her Kurenai could hear Kiba and Shino stop their fight in surprise. When the dust cleared, the jounin saw that Hinata was gone. She frowned unhappily and a tight ball of emotion rose in her throat. She had worked too long and too hard to see Hinata, a girl with so much good in her heart, to fall prey to a bunch of wacko cultists! Determined, the jounin stalked towards the city, brushing off Kiba's confused queries. _I need help to rehabilitate Hinata, _Kurenai thought. _I need someone familiar with indoctrination, someone who understands how a cult mastermind would think. _Who did she know that fit the bill? The answer was quite quick in coming, and a sharp smile spread across Kurenai's face. _I know just the person! _Kurenai exulted. _Just wait, Hinata, I'll help you. Soon you'll be free from the clutches of the evil freaks that polluted your mind!_

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata shivered in her room. Her breathing came quick and unsteady. Her index fingers tapped together rapidly even as her thumbs fiddled with her new bracelet. She waited five minutes before stopping the flow of chakra to her eyes. _She's not coming after me, _Hinata thought with profound relief as she allowed the Byakugan to fade. It had been a near thing, but she had successfully escaped from an unspeakable horror. _I've grown strong, _she smiled, proud of herself. _Nobody saved me back then… no one helped me… but now I'm strong enough to save myself! _Never again would the event that did not happen be repeated.

Her breathing stabilized. Hinata absently walked over to her closet and neatly discarded her jacket and her sandals. She knelt and rummaged around for several moments before withdrawing a ceramic bowl. It was a large bowl, nearly the same dimension as the standard bowls that could be found at Ichiraku's. Yet it was clearly of much higher quality—the glaze, the decorations, and the quality of the material all gave it away. It was almost like fine porcelain. Hinata ran her fingers delicately over the bowl, which was one of a pair. There were two such bowls in her closet, making up a matched set. She had made them with the intent of giving one as a gift to Naruto, so that they could eat ramen together. It had taken her nearly five months to successfully craft the two bowls, and there were boxes full of misshapen pottery that attested to her efforts. Some of her more successful pieces were put to use in the kitchen. But even after she had succeeded she had never found the courage to actually give him one of the bowls, so they had sat uselessly in her closet until recently. Lately she had been eating ramen with surprising regularity, so it had only made sense to put one of the bowls to use.

Hinata sat down next to the squat square table that dominated the center of her room. Gently, she set the bowl down. Her fingers traced the spiral decals that lined the rim. "Naruto-kun," she murmured quietly. A sense of peace filled her. Her communion with Naruto was always relaxing. Hinata closed her eyes and began to silently pray. She prayed that she would see him soon, that he would recognize her, that they could eat ramen together. She prayed for small things as well as big. It was sort of embarrassing, since she was praying to her crush about returning her crush, but Hinata knew that Naruto-kun wouldn't hold it against her. Maybe he would actually be touched by her devotion, and then he would take her out on dates and they would eat ramen together and they would get married and on their wedding night he would…

The shy Hyuuga girl blushed furiously. She really hoped that Naruto hadn't seen _that _particular montage dancing through her head. But it would never happen anyway. Self-doubt crept back into Hinata. She had seen Reina, and she knew that the older girl had her beat in every aspect of feminine charm. Naruto would never fall for her, not when there were girls like that chasing after him. She peeked down her shirt and felt her depression grow. Her breasts had gotten bigger since Naruto-kun had left, and she couldn't be accused of having a flat chest. But compared to Reina or even Kurenai, her breasts were still like bumps. She took a small amount of consolation in the fact that she was bustier than Sakura, or even Ino and Tenten, but not much. Naruto had feelings for Sakura, not for her. Sakura was blooming into a beautiful girl, even if she couldn't match Hinata's curves. Ino was far prettier and more feminine than Hinata, and even Tenten possessed a cuteness that Hinata couldn't match—plus her figure wasn't far behind.

_I wish that I could be as pretty as Reina, _she thought mournfully. _Prettier, _she added after a moment's consideration. _Then Naruto-kun would definitely notice me! _That was what she wanted more than anything: to have Naruto notice her. A familiar feeling of warmth enveloped her and Hinata opened her eyes to see a faint, glowing blue spiral draw itself into existence on the bottom of her bowl.

The door to her room slid open quietly. "Hinata-sama?" Neji asked quietly. "You didn't answer my knocks," he said apologetically when he saw the heiress sitting in the middle of the room. "Are you alright?" Neji asked in concern when Hinata did not acknowledge his presence. _A bowl? _Neji asked himself. "If you…" he trailed off as blue light shone from the bowl. _Byakugan! _Neji activated his bloodline limit and studied the bowl. He winced slightly. The bowl was glowing brightly with energy, but it was not chakra or anything Neji had ever seen before. _What is this? _A spiral of energy swirled at the bottom of the bowl. _It's almost like a… maelstrom. _Neji considered this development. He had heard the rumors, of course, but he had never put any stock in them. But he didn't know what to make of the sight he was witnessing. Abruptly the glow surged in size and brightness, forcing Neji to turn off the Byakugan or risk being blinded. He could hear the sound of swirling water and he opened his eyes to see broth and noodles rising out of the bottom of the bowl, forming a whirlpool of ramen. Hinata was still smiling eerily, her hands still holding the bowl.

"Naruto-kun," Hinata breathed in delight as the bowl finished filling. _It's shrimp this time, _she noted happily. She never got tired of seeing the miracle. _It smells _so _good too! _

"Hinata…sama," Neji said slowly, his eyes wide and his voice hoarse. Hinata turned in surprise.

"Neji-niisan?" _He saw! _

"What was…" he trailed off, unable to find the appropriate words. "That was… you said… Naruto?" Neji finally asked, bewildered.

"Umm… yes?" Her fingers tapped together rapidly.

"Then… the rumors… about…" he was still at a loss for words.

"Yes," Hinata said with more conviction. Neji stood there, dumbstruck. "Neji-niisan…?" But he didn't reply, and after several minutes Hinata finally pushed her still-steaming bowl of ramen towards him. "Try it," she said. Almost robotically, Neji shuffled over, sat down, and began to eat. He had mechanically, in silence, and when he finished he put the chopsticks down and clapped his hands together.

"Thank you for the meal," he murmured quietly, standing. He walked towards the door.

"Thank Naruto-kun," Hinata replied in a whisper, but Neji stopped as if he had heard her.

"…Yes." With that, he left. Hinata watched him go uneasily. After several moments of debate, she decided that Neji would deal with things in his own way. She picked up the bowl and went to wash it off. After all, she was still hungry and she wanted to see how Naruto's shrimp ramen tasted.

* * *

Hyuuga Hiashi stared at the boy before him, nonplussed. "You want to do what?" he asked finally. It wasn't often that he was surprised, but it did occasionally happen. Usually, it never meant anything good.

"I would like to leave and journey the Elemental Countries," Neji replied quietly. The newly minted jounin was already packed and dressed in his traveling clothes.

"…Why?" Neji's career had skyrocketed, and the boy had gone from genin to jounin in a year's time. He had become the pride of the Hyuuga clan. _What_ _could possibly make him want to leave now of all times?_

"I'm still very inexperienced," Neji answered. "I've fully realized that now."

"Why do you say that? We can easily solve your inexperience by asking the Hokage to give you more missions."

"That's not what I meant." Neji paused, searching for words. "There are truths to this world that are beyond my comprehension," the young jounin said slowly. "That is what I learned today. I am very far from enlightenment, so I must journey and better myself." Hiashi opened his mouth to retort. "My spirit," Neji cut him off, "I must better my spirit and my mind, rather than my combat strength. I must travel to gain wisdom, so that one day I will be as enlightened as Hinata-sama."

"Hinata?" Hiashi wondered, shocked. "Enlightened?" Hinata had grown a lot since she had become a genin, but enlightened? It boggled the mind. _Have they both gone mad?_

"Thank you for everything you have done for me," Neji murmured and bowed. He rose to his feet, slipping on his pack as he did so. "I'll be going then," he told the clan head.

"Take care," Hiashi replied absently, still trying to work out exactly what was going on.

Neji nodded and slipped out of the room. He smiled faintly as he left the compound, enjoying the touch of warm sunlight on his face. He looked up at the sky. _I understand what you are trying to tell me, Naruto. _Neji began to walk towards the village gates. _I'll never forget the lessons you taught me, and I'll carry that message to others in need of it. That's what your plan for me is, right?_

* * *

**A**_nd so our Lord's former enemy became his first great Disciple, and he would wander the earth to bring the light to those who could not see. His eyes could pierce through the deepest darkness, and he brought the light and the ramen of our Lord even unto the ends of the world._

* * *

"Mmm… Naruto-sama," Hinata moaned, before her mouth descended again to work its magic. Naruto groaned in bliss. From his vantage point he could see Hinata's incredible mounds pressing against his thighs. _She really grew up, _Naruto thought feverishly.

Two big, soft orbs pressed into his right side. "Ne," a husky, familiar voice whispered intimately into his ear. A tongue traced his earlobe for a moment. "Pay attention to me, Naruto."

Naruto turned his head. "Sakura-chan!" he yelped, though whether that was due to his surprise or the interesting thing Hinata had just done with her tongue, even he did not know. She was just as incredibly beautiful as Hinata, and she was packing some serious weaponry up top. _Sakura-chan grew up too, _Naruto thought fuzzily. There was something wrong about things, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. Nor did he want to.

Glistening pink lips parted slight as they grew closer to his. "Naruto," Sakura breathed, "I've wanted to do this for so long."

"Me too, Sakura-chan," he panted. _Wow, is that her throat? _Naruto wondered in amazement. Who knew Hinata was so talented?

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"I think that you're… brat…"

Naruto drew back, hurt. _She thinks that I'm a brat? _The feeling of ecstasy disappeared.

"Brat!"

"Sakura-chan…"

"You stupid brat! Wake-up!" His world dissolved. Naruto opened his eyes blearily, only to come face to face with the red-lined, somewhat wrinkled face of Jiraiya.

"Gah!" Naruto retreated, only to hit his head on the headboard of the bed.

"Hmph! You got what you deserved," Jiraiya scowled. "Didn't I tell you that we were leaving early today? Geeze, making me, the great Jiraiya, wake you up. Stop goofing off and get your ass out of bed!"

"Shut up, ero-sennin!" Naruto snapped back. He clambered out of bed, still nursing the bump on his head.

"Oho…" Jiraiya drawled. Naruto froze. That tone coming from Jiraiya never meant anything good, at least not for Naruto. "Having good dreams, I see," the Toad Hermit chuckled. "I guess there's hope for you after all."

Naruto's blood seemed to freeze in his veins and he looked down. The evidence of his dreams was still straining the front of his pants. Naruto yelped and fled, his face burning red with embarrassment. Jiraiya's laughter pursued him all of the way to the bathroom. He slammed the door shut behind him. "Stupid ero-sennin," he growled. He walked over to the sink, turned on the faucet, and splashed his face with cold water. It was humiliating. He had always accused Jiraiya of being a pervert, but now he was turning into one himself. Naruto had never had dreams like that before leaving with Jiraiya. They were getting worse too. At first, Sakura had been the star of his dreams, but gradually they were filling up with others like Hinata and Ino. There were plenty of girls he didn't know, either. He didn't know why his dreams seemed to have taken a perverted bent lately, but Naruto was sure that Jiraiya had something to do with it. That explained why the girls in his dreams seemed to be getting curvier and curvier.

It had all started with a very strange fantasy of dating Hinata, which had been quickly followed by marriage. The dream had quickly dissolved into a series of feverish sexual fantasies that Naruto had not known he was capable of imagining. Then again, he had never known that he harbored fantasies of marrying Hinata either. It had not been long before Hinata had begun to change. The shy, dark, and weird Hinata he knew—though she had looked strangely older than he remembered—had quickly morphed into a creature straight out of ero-sennin's, and apparently his own, fantasies. From that night onward, Naruto had been bombarded by a series of erotic dreams filled with excruciatingly beautiful women, all of which ended up with very… healthy attributes.

It was official: he was turning into a world class pervert, just like ero-sennin. In fact, it was probably all ero-sennin's fault. His tender, impressionable young mind was being corrupted by the perverted Sannin's vices. It wasn't enough for Jiraiya to drive him mad; the hermit was turning him into a raving pervert. He couldn't get the image of Sakura out of his head. Would Sakura start to look like that after training with Tsunade? Maybe the blond Sannin would teach her more than just medical techniques. Then there was Hinata, who had not only looked incredible but done incredible things to him… Naruto drooled thinking about it, and it didn't help his other problem either. _Damn it, _he cursed, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his mind. _I need a cold shower. _

One exceedingly cold shower later, Naruto was clear-headed and ready for to travel. _Finally, it's time to leave this damn village! _Naruto's latest stop in his training trip was not one he had enjoyed. The small village of Hanrui was nestled in River Country, which itself was wedged between the Country of Wind and the Country of Fire. Naruto's stay had not been pleasant. There was no ramen to be found in Hanrui, which had at first left Naruto completely flabbergasted and then filled him with a deep sense of irritation as the ramen-less days dragged on. There was also a well-appointed bathhouse and outdoor onsen in Hanrui, which meant that ero-sennin was around even less than usual; in fact there seemed to be a famous onsen or infamous bath house everywhere they stopped, and Naurto had some suspicions as to why. Naruto, never happy at missing any potential opportunity to learn new jutsu, grew even more annoyed. But Naruto's greatest source of exasperation stemmed from an inhabitant of the town—an utter jackass named Hikaru. His mother clearly had unreasonable expectations. "Light, my ass," he muttered.

Hikaru was a man in his early twenties, and just looking at him set Naruto's teeth on edge. He was a tall, dark, vaguely feminine pretty boy whose soft hands had never seen a day's work. The young man charmed women with ease, and his mother had spoiled him rotten, both of which served to give him an air of insufferable arrogance. He knew that he was better than everyone else, and he wasn't shy about talking down to Naruto. He disdained shinobi in general and Naruto in particular. Naruto's every action and word was twisted and mocked, and always, always those eyes looked down on him. He had endured those same eyes for years in Konoha, eyes that saw him as less than trash. It was a testament to Naruto's growing maturity that he had been able to refrain from murdering the sanctimonious bastard… so far.

Naruto and Jiraiya set out on the main road, just outside the inn they had been staying at. Jiraiya was apparently distracted or in deep thought, for he had only teased Naruto for another few minutes before falling silent. Normally, the childish 50 year old wouldn't shut up about such an occurrence for days. They began to walk out of town, heading northwest. The Toad Hermit occasionally darted off to say goodbye to various pretty girls, delaying their departure significantly. Naruto watched with his characteristic disgust as his teacher flirted and made a spectacle out of himself. It was amazing to Naruto that so many women seemed to fall for Jiraiya's tricks, but he supposed the man hadn't been a super pervert for most of his life without learning a thing or two. But for every woman that seemed flattered by his attention there was another all too willing to slap the old man in the face.

It took them far longer than it should have, but eventually Jiraiya and Naruto made it to the western gates. Naruto's nose crinkled in disgust. Leaning casually against a wall near the gate was Hikaru. "You're finally leaving, loser?" Hikaru asked casually. Naruto's eyebrow ticked. He hated the older man so very, very much. The fact that Hikaru hadn't been able to resist coming to taunt him one last time showed that the feeling was mutual. _Ignore him, _Naruto told himself firmly and kept walking. "What's wrong?" Hikaru mocked. "You're not going to say goodbye?" _Keep walking! _"Hmph," the bishounen scoffed. "Coward."

Naruto stopped walking. "Naruto," Jiraiya warned in a low voice.

Hikaru's smirk grew as he saw that he had finally drawn a reaction from the orange-clad genin. "You won't even respond to me," he drawled. "It's no wonder you couldn't save your friend." In a flash, Naruto was in front of him. "What-?!" Hikaru flinched backwards. Naruto grabbed the taller man and slammed him against the nearby wall—gently, of course; otherwise Naruto would have shattered the wall and dozens of Hikaru's weak bones, and the wall had done nothing to him to elicit such treatment.

"How do you know about that?" Naruto growled, his eyes flashing with rage.

"I… I…" Hikaru stuttered, losing control of his bowels at the sight of Naruto's furious eyes.

"Naruto!" Jiraiya's roar pierced through Naruto's rage. The boy quickly regained control over himself and forced his body to relax. He let go of Hikaru and forced his rage back down. Naruto turned and began to walk away again. Hikaru shivered, but he was not the type to let a humiliation pass by, especially since it had been witnessed by scores of townsfolk who had all stopped to watch the spectacle.

"That's right," he muttered, just loud enough for his voice to carry, "walk back to your master's side, little dog."

Naruto stopped again, his fists clenching convulsively. Jiraiya prepared to restrain his student when Naruto let out a deep sigh. The tension flowed out of Naruto. He turned to face his tormentor. "You know what?" he asked Hikaru.

Hikaru tensed fearfully. "What?"

Naruto's arm snapped up quickly to point directly at Hikaru. "People like you… I really hate people like you!"

The man relaxed slightly. "Is that all?" he sneered.

Naruto scowled back. "Jackasses like you get punished by heaven!" Naruto declared and did an abrupt turn. He stalked off down the road. Jiraiya followed his seething student, chuckling lightly. _You're growing up, Naruto, _Jiraiya thought proudly.

Once Naruto drew out of earshot, Hikaru forced a laugh. "What an idiot!" Quickly he made for home, hoping that no one noticed the accident he had made in his pants. He stumbled abruptly and cried out, his foot caught in a pothole. _Was that there before? _Hikaru wondered in irritation. Annoyance spread into panic when he saw than many villagers were now looking his way. _They'll see! _A sharp cracking noise rent through the air, and the sound of splintering wood filled Hikaru's ears. An ominous groan issued forth from nearby. Hikaru turned apprehensively as a shadow loomed above him. He shrieked in terror as the tall wooden telephone pole descended.

It was an incident that dominated the discussion of Hanrui for months. Apparently the wood of the telephone pole had been rotten and Hikaru had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The poor man had been paralyzed from the waist down and rendered mute besides. He would never charm girls or mock others again. Still, a few people remembered the young blond ninja's words about heavenly punishment and wondered. When a pale-eyed, dark-haired man came to town a month later, he overheard the story. Neji knew then, without a doubt, what his fate was. That night he gathered as many people as would listen into the town square. With burning conviction and eyes that others would later describe as "on fire," Hyuuga Neji began to preach.

* * *

**O**_ur Lord's wrath is swift and unstoppable, yet always just. The man who mocked the divine was struck down by Heaven, and the first of the great Disciples began his ministry at the site of our Lord's chastisement. Let the sinners, the blasphemers, and the unjust beware…_

* * *

"So what do you make of it?" Temari asked.

Kankurou shrugged, "A freak weather pattern."

"But it's unheard of! How does a desert that gets less than ten inches of rain a year have a slow moving, localized storm appear out of nowhere? Plus, it's tiny! It's self-contained! It's impossible!" Temari panted, red-faced.

"Like I said, a freak weather pattern," Kankurou said.

"Gaara!" Temari complained. The youngest Sand Sibling sat behind his large desk silently, his eyes skimming the dispatch for the fifth time despite the fact that he had memorized it after the second. He had no interest in getting himself involved in Kankurou and Temari's quarrel. Suddenly, he looked up from the dispatch, his green eyes narrowing.

"Kazekage-sama, there's a visitor who wishes to see you," Baki's gravelly voice announced.

"A visitor?" Kankurou frowned. It wasn't like visitors could just walk in and speak to the Kazekage. _What is Baki playing at? _

"A Konoha-nin," Baki supplied helpfully.

Kankurou's frown deepened. As far as he knew, there were no scheduled visitors from Konoha. _A messenger? _he wondered. The middle child of the Yondaime Kazekage turned to look at his older sister questioningly. Temari handled business with Konoha more than he did. She shook her head at his unspoken question. "Who is it?" Temari asked.

"Hyuuga Neji." A hairless brow quirked up in interest and Kankurou groaned silently to himself in trepidation. A lifetime of habit—a lifetime of cowering in terror at everything his little brother did, just in case it might end up in his own gruesome demise—told him that nothing good came from Gaara's interest. A much more recent, reasonable—and, it should be noted, much smaller—side of Kankurou told him that Gaara had gotten over that stage in his life. After all, the reasonable side pointed out, Gaara hadn't killed anyone in over a month—though whether that was due to intent or just a side-effect of being trapped behind a desk all day was debatable—and didn't the doctor say his therapy was going much better now? Kankurou's finely cultivated survival instincts promptly told his reasonable side where to stuff it.

"Kankurou," the puppet-user in question nearly jumped when Gaara addressed him. "Temari." The command, "Get out," hovered unsaid. Gaara's older siblings nonetheless understood the unsaid message and left his office. As they were leaving, Kankurou could hear one last comment before the door slid shut behind him. "Bring him in," Gaara calmly commanded Baki.

Kankurou and Temari waffled around outside the Kazekage's office without looking like they were waffling around outside the Kazekage's office. It was a skill they had learned young, while their father was still alive, and it served them in good stead when another family member assumed the mantle. They certainly weren't going to be far away when Gaara and the Hyuuga prodigy had their meeting. A few minutes passed before a clinking sound was heard from down the hallway. The siblings looked down the hall to see the tall, broad-shouldered form of Baki walking down the hall, followed by a much shorter, dark-haired form. Kankurou almost didn't recognize the teen following Baki as Neji.

"He looks like he hasn't combed his hair in months," Kankurou muttered discretely to his sister. She nodded, a small smirk playing across her lips. The younger boy's previously long, shiny hair now looked tangled and knotted, more like a bird's nest than a noble's hair. Nor had Neji taken the time to shave, and the young teen's uneven stubble sprouted in dark, bristly patches across his feminine face.

"And that robe…" Temari observed. Rather than Neji's shinobi clothing or traditional Hyuuga robes, he was clothed in a ratty brown robe that looked like it had seen better days—a decade ago. Kankurou could see Temari visibly wince from the corner of his eye. "That belt," she muttered to herself when she caught sight of the bright, pristine orange belt that was knotted at Neji's waist.

"The only thing he bothered to clean is his hitai-ate," the middle Sand Sibling snickered quietly, falling silent just before Neji moved into hearing range. Kankurou stepped in front of the office door, causing Baki and Neji to halt. "You can't take weapons in," Kankurou told the Konoha jounin.

"I disarmed him," Baki assured him.

Kankurou blinked. "The staff," he pointed out, annoyed.

"This?" Neji asked, shaking the tall wooden staff lightly. Metal rings mounted on the head jangled in protest. Kankurou eyed the staff distrustfully. It was a very odd staff. It looked like a rather traditional priestly staff, except for the fact that there was a ceramic bowl mounted on the brass loop that crowned the staff. The decorative orange spirals clashed horribly with the dark polish of the wood. It was a madman's staff, and if Neji was insane then only bad things could result from letting him meet Gaara. "It isn't a weapon," Neji said quietly.

"What is it?" Temari asked, unable to keep the morbid fascination out of her voice. Neji's new sense of incredibly awful fashion was clashing with her admittedly subdued female sensibilities.

"It's a religious symbol," Neji said proudly. The older Sand Siblings traded looks. _That's it. I'm not getting involved in this, _Kankurou thought. There was no way he wanted to deal with something like this. Gaara was the Kazekage anyway. It should be him dealing with the headaches, not Kankurou. And if it ended up in a bloodbath… well, Gaara could take care of himself and the cleaning staff had grown quite adept at cleaning out the bloodstains. Kankurou stepped aside and Neji marched through the door to the Kazekage's office.

The minutes ticked by. Kankurou and Temari waited outside their brother's office, straining to make out the muffled words that filtered through the door. Unfortunately, the Kazekage's office was designed so that eavesdroppers would not have an easy time of it and the curious duo was left unsatisfied. More than an hour passed before the door slid open. Neji walked out, alive and unharmed, a curious smile adorning his unshaven face. He nodded amiably to them. "May your path lead you to the Ramen," Neji intoned, and Kankurou could practically hear the capital 'R' thudding into place.

"Err..." _What a nut-job, _"you too?" Apparently, this satisfied Neji, for the teen nodded and walked away. For some reason, this left Kankurou and Temari with a feeling of profound relief. Pushing it out of his mind, Kankurou followed Temari into Gaara's office. The Kazekage sat behind his desk, his hands folded together in thought. A ceramic bowl sat on the center of his desk, and it was emitting steam.

"Gaara?" Temari asked hesitantly. The leader of Suna did not respond, instead choosing to stare at the bowl as if it held the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

"Is that… ramen?" Kankurou asked, sniffing. He looked at the bowl filled with steaming—and quite delicious smelling—ramen. _Okay, this is getting bizarre. _"No, wait. Forget I asked." _I'm not getting involved in this one. No way. _Kankurou turned to leave. Temari could deal with their younger brother. Gaara liked her more, anyway… probably. Just as he opened the door, there was a rustling of cloth behind him as Gaara stood up. Kankurou froze.

"Temari… Kankurou… call a meeting," Gaara said in his usual monotone.

"A meeting?" Temari ventured.

"Yes."

Kankurou cleared his throat. "What for?" he asked nervously.

"I've seen the Ramen," Gaara informed them tonelessly. His siblings traded incredulous looks. "We're going to build a church."

There was silence. "Oh," Kankurou said finally before walking out the door. Temari quickly followed. _I didn't want to get involved! _He continued to despair in his thoughts until something occurred to him. He stopped suddenly.

"What is it?" Temari asked.

"What's a church?"

Temari blinked. "It's a…" she searched for words. Finally, she shrugged, "I don't know."

"Oh." With that, they continued walking.

* * *

Naruto stared glumly at the cheerful festivities going on below him. He was sitting beneath the thick, sheltering boughs of an oak tree atop a small hill outside the city of Mochi. A thunderstorm raged above him, but that put no damper on the festival going on below. Indulgent parents played with happy children, and the smell of fresh food and the sound of laughter reached him despite the storm. Events like this always depressed him. A sense of wistful melancholy gripped his heart, and he couldn't help but feel envious at the happy families he saw.

"So that's where you've been," Jiraiya's voice materialized behind Naruto. The boy did not acknowledge his teacher's presence aside from a grunt. "Sulking again, huh?" the big, white-haired man smirked, but his mild barb brought no reaction. The Toad Hermit sighed. _I hate it when he gets like this. _Naruto's family issues were a deep and bitter and utilizing tact in such dealings always gave Jiraiya indigestion. He sat down next to his pupil on the damp grass and gazed at the lit-up city in silence.

"Ero-sennin…" Naruto's voice was subdued.

Jiraiya blinked. He had expected Naruto's stubborn silence to persist for quite a while longer. "Hmm…?"

"Did you know my parents?"

"Ah…" Jiraiya paused thoughtfully. "Yes," he said finally.

Naruto rounded on him quickly. "You did!?" Clearly, the boy hadn't expected that answer. Jiraiya cursed inwardly. Apparently he could have avoided the whole mess if he had lied or kept his mouth shut.

"Yes, I knew them." Naruto lapsed into silence.

"What were they like?" the lonely boy asked finally.

"Well…" Jiraiya wondered how to best approach the issue. "Your father's name was Arashi…" he trailed off and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Or was it Minato…? Well, he had a name, and he was a great man."

Naruto's eyes widened. He had always wondered what his parents were like, and in his secret fantasies he had always imagined that they had been great people, but to have it confirmed was a dream come true. "A great man?" Naruto prompted eagerly, disregarding the fact that Jiraiya couldn't even remember his father's name properly.

"Yes," Jiraiya nodded. "He was the strongest, toughest man I'd ever met—besides myself—and that's saying something." Naruto's jaw dropped in awe. Naruto knew Jiraiya's strength, and he knew that Jiraiya's respect meant a lot. That the Sannin would rate his father to be that strong… "You might even say that your old man was a legend."

"Legendary," Naruto repeated with something like bliss.

"Yup. No matter how tough things got, no matter how vile or putrid his mission became, he never stopped moving forward. Lesser men would have dropped like flies at being exposed to some of the things your dad did, but he always did his job, and he was the best at it." Naruto's eyes were shining.

"Who was he? What did he do?" Naruto demanded eagerly.

Jiraiya stared up at the dark, cloudy sky in reminiscence. "He was Kazama Uzumaki Arashi," Jiraiya murmured.

"Kazama… Uzumaki?"

"No, wait… that's not right," Jiraiya muttered. "Namikaze Minaho? Minato Nami? Hmm…"

"Ero-sennin," Naruto growled impatiently.

Jiraiya shrugged and cleared his throat, trying to reclaim the mood, "He was Konoha's, and some say the world's, greatest sanitation engineer."

"Wow," Naruto sighed in awe at the awesome legacy he bore. "Wait… what?"

"Without him, Konohagakure as you know it wouldn't exist. He fought a never-ending battle, yet he never gave up and he never admitted defeat. Indeed, it took the Kyuubi to finally bring your father down."

Naruto felt dread tugging at his mind. "What's a sanitation engineer?" Naruto asked slowly, ignoring the screaming in the back of his head that said he didn't want to know. _It must be something really great, right? I mean, ero-sennin said all of those things… _He tried to banish his doubts.

"Your father was the leader…" Jiraiya trailed off dramatically.

"The leader…?"

"He was the leader of Konohagakure…" Just before Naruto was about to leap in the air and scream with glee, Jiraiya continued, "no Sato's Sanitation Department."

"Eh?"

"His leadership ensured that everything got to the city dump on time, that the streets were kept clean, that the sewers were maintained, the whole nine yards." Jiraiya sighed nostalgically. "He really was a great man. Arashi wasn't a man afraid to get his hands dirty either. Sometimes he'd go out, roll up his sleeves, and dive right in to fix the problem. Hell, he had more guts than all of the Hokage put together. What a guy…"

Naruto felt like crying. Another one of his precious dreams had been stamped into the mud—not to mention jumped on, beaten with a steel rod, and pissed on. "What about my mom?" Naruto asked hoarsely. _Please, let my mom be a princess or a ninja or something! _

"Ah… your mom," Jiraiya sighed nostalgically once again, but this time there was a perverted look in his eyes. "It's amazing, really. No one in their right minds would have expected a man like your father to land a woman like your mother. Most people thought your dad would have to marry a leather tanner or a fisherwoman, just so their native odors could cancel each other out." Naruto's eyebrow twitched. "But for him to land such a high class girl… it shocked me, really."

Naruto's hopes soared. _High class is good, _he thought, his eagerness returning.

"Never in a million years would I have expected your father to be able to put together that kind of money," Jiraiya continued. "It just goes to show what a real man your dad was."

Naruto blinked uncertainly. "Money?" he asked.

"Yeah… to be able to afford a girl like…"

"Like…?" Naruto demanded impatiently as the silence stretched.

"What was her name again…?" Jiraiya asked. "Kuchima? Kushima? No, no, that's not it…" he shook his head slowly, his eyes distant. "Kirima? Kirishima? Kiriko?"

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto interrupted, too impatient to sit through Jiraiya's recitation of every name that started with a 'K' that the man could think of.

Jiraiya cleared his throat, "Anyway, to afford a girl like your mom on his salary—even if he was the chief sanitation engineer—it's pretty amazing." Jiraiya blushed, his perverted grin widening. "I don't blame him though. If I had been in the village, who knows… I probably would have taken my checkbook out and…" he trailed off abruptly, turning to look at Naruto. Jiraiya coughed awkwardly. "Umm…"

Naruto's eyes had narrowed into slits. "Afford?" he asked flatly.

Jiraiya nodded. "She was a legend in the red light districts of Fire Country… Supposedly, she had the most incredible Jade Gate…"

"Jade Gate?" Where had he heard that before?

Jiraiya coughed again. "Err…"

"What did my mom do?" Naruto asked, suspicion and horror coloring his voice. He dreaded the answer, but he had to know.

"Your mom…" Jiraiya stood and assumed one of his funky, Kabuki-play stances. "Your mom was the greatest," Jiraiya sang, hopping to the left. "The greatest in the Country of Fire…" He hopped to the right and twisted his head sharply, causing his hair to fly around wildly. Jiraiya froze and threw out his hand dramatically. "Your mom was the greatest whore to ever grace Konoha!" the pervert cried.

Naruto slumped numbly. _Damn it, _he thought without heat. He couldn't feel anything anymore. But so what if his parents were… his parents were… those things! He would be Hokage anyway! It didn't matter if his dad was a… if his mom was a… Naruto buried his face into his hands and wept.

Jiraiya stared down at his broken apprentice. _Did I overdo it? _Jiraiya wondered. "Oi," he poked his apprentice in the shoulder. "Oi," he repeated. "Naruto!"

"What?" Naruto mumbled, staring up at him with blank eyes. _Oops, _Jiraiya thought. He frantically thought for methods of damage control.

"It was a joke!" Jiraiya exclaimed.

"…huh?"

"I have no idea who your parents are! I made that all up because you were being such a whiny baby about this whole festival thing!"

Naruto stared. "…You what?" he asked finally.

"I…" Jiraiya trailed off, his mouth twitching. "You were so…" he stopped again, snickering.

"Ero-sennin," Naruto said slowly, "what did you do?"

"I just…" Jiraiya wheezed as full blown laughter erupted. He slapped his knee gleefully, "The look on your face…!"

Naruto stared at Jiraiya as the old man collapsed in on himself, clutching his sides as he laughed heartily. "I hate you," Naruto said quietly. "I hate you so much." Lightning flashed across the sky. Thunder rumbled ominously and the ground trembled. Jiraiya cackled, rolling around in the wet grass as tears leaked from his eyes.

"Oh, that was great!" Jiraiya grinned, disheveled but bright-eyed. An extremely sour Naruto sat sulking beside him. Two hundred meters away, a stall full of toad masks burst on fire. Luckily, the stall owner was able to escape with his life, and later started a successful career as a fire-safety consultant. "What?" Jiraiya turned. A big, white-haired old man was nearly killed when, while returning home from the hostess club, lightning smote a tree just three meters away. When the old man regained consciousness, his gaze fell upon some blackened wood chips on the ground nearby, which miraculously spelled out: I HATE PERVERTED OLD MEN. Terrified, the old man fled the city and joined a monastery, where he would later invent an extremely useful device: a lightning proof suit. He was promptly assassinated by Kumo-nin. "Don't tell me you're sulking again!" Jiraiya threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. _Kids these days_, Jiraiya thought despairingly, _you take the time to tell them about their parents, and what do they do?_

* * *

**T**_he origins of our Lord are shrouded in mystery. When asked, our Lord would later say, "I have no mother. I have no father. I am the first and only..."_

* * *

Water dripped in a slow, steady rhythm. Kurenai glanced nervously at her surroundings. The dank, grey corridors of the Interrogation Division's underground facilities always made her a bit jumpy. It was an unpleasant place to be. "Ibiki-san is in here," the grey-uniformed chuunin informed her.

She nodded, "Thank you." Nodding, the chuunin went back to his business. Kurenai knocked.

"Come in," Ibiki's gravelly voice came from beyond the door. Kurenai entered. "Kurenai," Ibiki greeted, mildly surprised to see her. "Is there something you need?"

The jounin-sensei nodded. "One of my students has joined a cult," Kurenai began, going straight to the heart of the matter. Ibiki's eyebrows rose in surprise. He certainly hadn't expected that. "I was hoping you could help."

"What were you expecting me to do?"

Kurenai frowned. "You're an expert on psychology, aren't you? You should be able to do something."

Ibiki sighed. "I break people," he pointed out, "I don't rehabilitate them."

"Do you know who could help, then?" Kurenai scowled, folding her arms. She had been hoping that he could help. Now what was she supposed to do?

"A therapist?" Kurenai glared. The special jounin shrugged. "I'm serious. But, if you don't think that's a good idea, then why don't you just let their family handle it? All of your students come from large clans, so it's not like you're the only one responsible for them."

She snorted, "The Hyuuga are practically a cult themselves."

"Maybe that's the problem, then."

"Fine," she sighed. "I'll just keep looking."

"Sorry I couldn't be of any use." Ibiki watched as the rookie jounin turned to leave. "Wait," he said. "Can I ask which cult your student has joined?"

"I'm not sure," Kurenai replied. She looked at the floor, biting her lip, "If I had to guess, I'd say… that one that worships Naruto." It was embarrassing to actually say out loud. She waited a moment to see if he had any response to that. Ibiki kept his face impassive, and after a moment Kurenai stalked out. He picked up his pen, staring down at the papers before him.

"Narutoism, is it?" Ibiki said thoughtfully. He smirked. "I was right. That kid _is _interesting." _This bears further investigation._

* * *

Kurenai was ready to pull her hair and scream. "Therapists," she spat, her voice filled with loathing. She had spent the week trying to find a therapist that could help Hinata, or at least point her to someone who could. Apparently, cults and religious indoctrination were not things that Konoha's psychiatric field was used to dealing with. Nobody could offer any helpful advice. In fact, trying their tactics only seemed to make Hinata avoid her further. The shy girl seemed terrified of her now.

That was why she was angrily marching through Konoha, on her way to a bar. She felt an inexplicable need to get hammered, and the wine she had at home just wasn't cutting it. When she got there and walked in the doors, she was hit with a cloud of smoke so thick she could practically cut it with a kunai. Kurenai coughed, scowling. She hated cigarette smoke, which just made her friendship with Asuma all the more bewildering. Nonetheless, she went over to the bar and plopped down on the stool. "The house sake," she ordered tersely.

"Oh...? Kurenai, what are you doing here?" a familiar voice drawled from her left. She turned.

"Anko?" she asked, startled. She shouldn't have been surprised. It was Anko who had introduced her to the bar in the first place. The younger woman knew a lot of bars.

"It's rare to see you in a bar," Anko observed. She grinned, "Here to pick up some guys?"

"No!" Kurenai blushed.

"Some girls?"

"Anko!" Kurenai scowled, glaring at the special jounin. "I'm just here for a drink," she said firmly.

"Okay, okay," the skimpily-clad woman said, still grinning cheerfully. They sat in silence for a moment. "So… what are you drinking for?"

Kurenai opened her mouth to snap back, only to sigh a moment later. Her shoulders sagged. Her drink arrived, which she promptly downed in a single gulp. She refilled the saucer and took another drink. "Hinata," she said finally.

"Hinata drove you to drink?" Anko asked incredulously.

"She's… she's… she's joined a cult!" Kurenai burst out. She grasped the sake bottle, brought it to her mouth, and tilted it back. Liquor poured down her gullet.

Anko watched her normally restrained friend drink in amazement. "A cult?" she wondered. "Hinata!?"

"Yeah…" Kurenai slurred. She slumped, depressed. "Where did I… where did I go wrong?" she wondered tearfully.

"I'm shure… I'm sure it's not your fault," Anko clumsily patted Kurenai on the back, trying to comfort her friend. It was a struggle to keep a straight face. _Hinata, in a cult? I guess it's true what they say about the quiet ones! _

"But… If only I had…" Kurenai trailed off. "Damn that bastard! Stupid Ibiki…" Kurenai paused again. Anko could almost see the gears starting to turn in her head. The light bulb flickered to life. She turned to look at Anko.

"What?" Anko asked. She didn't like the look in the jounin's eyes.

"Orochimaru… was kind of like a cult mastermind, right?"

"Hah!?" she exhaled in disbelief, her previous amusement evaporating quicker than the morning mist at the sound of that hated name. Oh, she definitely didn't like where this was going.

"Yeah… that fits. And since he was a cult mastermind… that makes you a reformed cultist, right?"

"What are you talking about?" Anko demanded angrily. Who did Kurenai think she was, bringing up Orochimaru like that? _She called me a cultist!_

"Anko!" Kurenai stood quickly. She stumbled, falling forward, and caught herself on her friend's shoulders. Anko drew back as Kurenai's alcohol laden breath puffed in her face. "You have to help me!"

"Why?" Anko demanded. She certainly wasn't feeling very charitable toward Kurenai at the moment.

Kurenai ignored her. "Come on," she slurred, "let's go save Hinata!"

"What-? Hey!" Anko protested as Kurenai began to bodily drag her from the bar.

The bartender stared glumly as the two elite shinobi departed. "They didn't pay!" he realized angrily. "Hey, come back!"

* * *

**A**_nd so our Lord's will guided the faithful, and the time came for the great pillars of the church to join and uplift the roof of our Lord's house_…

* * *

The long walk to the Hyuuga district allowed Kurenai a chance to regain some of her dignity and sense of balance, though she wasn't quite sober by the time they reached the main gate. Two pale-eyed guards watched them approach impassively. Anko scowled, looking at her feet in disgust. They were clean now—she had forced the drunken woman to stop while she found a place to wash her feet—but not long ago they had been covered with vomit. _Kurenai still can't hold her liquor, _Anko thought snidely. It was odd, considering how much she loved wine.

"What is your business here?" one of the guards asked.

"We're here to see Hyuuga Hinata," Kurenai said clearly, doing an admirable job of concealing her inebriation. "I'm her jounin sensei," she added, in case they didn't recognize her. They hesitated, glancing at each other. Anko scowled, annoyed. Here she was, half-sober, with a pounding headache and feet that smelled like vomit, standing in front of the stuffiest house in Konoha. What for? To help a colleague—there was no way she was going to call Kurenai her friend, not after she had interrupted her drinking time, called her a cultist, vomited on her feet, and dragged her out here to do some charity work—who apparently couldn't even teach her own students properly.

_Damn, this is irritating._ Wordlessly, Anko began to fiddle with a kunai. She was never going to ask Kurenai for another favor ever again. If this was what it brought her, then it just wasn't worth it. Although she would miss having someone bring her dango when she asked for it… _Maybe I should start looking for a boyfriend? _The big wooden doors groaned in protest as they swung open. "You may go in," the other guard said.

Kurenai staggered through the doorway. Anko rolled her eyes and followed the other jounin in.

* * *

Birds chirped merrily. The soothing sound of running water filled the courtyard. A gentle breeze passed through, leaving the sighs of many plants in its wake. Hyuuga Hiashi calmly sipped at his fine green tea, which was as meticulously prepared as always. He considered the garden as if searching for answers. Answers to questions such as, "Why has my nephew run away from home in search of enlightenment?" and, "Why does my eldest daughter pray to a bowl of soup?" and even, "What does 42 really mean, anyway?" Unfortunately, it gave him none. He sighed, wondering what was to become of the Hyuuga family. How could it possibly survive, if the next generation was as cracked in the head as it seemed to be? Thank the heavens that Hanabi seemed to be stable… but then, so had Neji until just a while ago. There was even some raving loon in the west that people were calling a prophet that some claimed was a Hyuuga. It was preposterous, of course, but it was a blow to Hyuuga prestige nonetheless. The times were changing, and Hiashi could only pray that the Hyuuga would be able to adapt.

He took another sip of tea. "What is it?" he asked the empty air.

A shadow shifted, "Yuuhi Kurenai and Mitarashi Anko are requesting entry, Hiashi-sama."

Dark eyebrows rose in surprise. "Those two? What is their business here?"

"They wish to speak with Hinata-sama, Hiashi-sama."

"I see." Silence followed. "They may enter," he said finally.

"As you command."

Hiashi looked up to contemplate the clouds, determined to enjoy what little peace he had left.

* * *

Hinata squeaked fearfully, "Ku-Kurenai-sensei!" The woman squinted. Hinata shrank back. _What is she glaring at me for? _Hinata wondered nervously.

"Hinata," Kurenai identified her. She was feeling a bit dizzy and her eyes had trouble focusing and… _It's really hot in here, _she groused mentally. Sometimes she wondered how Hinata could wear that coat so often. That was another thing she would have to bring up. It wasn't healthy for young girls to sit in a sauna-like room for hours at a time. Could dehydration be behind Hinata's erratic behavior? Then she considered the opposite. _Is it something in the water?_

While Kurenai pondered, Anko plodded into the room and threw herself down on a sitting cushion. Hinata whimpered. She had not been expecting the bloodthirsty woman from her first Chuunin Exam to barge into her room. Frantically, Hinata tried to think of why that woman would be in her room. "Oi, Kurenai," Anko glared, "stop daydreaming and let's get this thing over with."

Abruptly, Kurenai's stomach seemed to twist itself into knots. She gulped, clutching her midsection. "Hinata! Toilet!" The girl pointed and her teacher dashed off. Anko watched her go with vindictive amusement. _No one's going to hold your hair up for you this time, Kurenai-chan. You shouldn't have drank so much on an empty stomach. _

"Kurenai tells me you've joined a cult," Anko said bluntly. Hinata squeaked again as she recalled the special jounin's presence.

"A cult?" she asked nervously, her fingers instinctively seeking each other out.

"Don't play dumb with me, girl," Anko growled. "Right now, I'm really pissed off, so don't lie."

"But… I'm not in a cult!" Hinata protested.

"Uh huh," Anko grunted, unconvinced. "Kurenai told me about your little prayer sessions."

Hinata flushed. _Kurenai-sensei heard that? _She was mortified. Who knows what Kurenai had heard her say? "That's… that's just…"

"What?" Orochimaru's first apprentice—that survived—prompted.

"Naruto-kun is…" Her blush deepened. Hinata's index fingers began to tap out a frantic rhythm.

"Naruto-kun is…" Anko mocked, "what? Weak? Stupid? Short and ugly? A loser?"

"No!" Anko leaned back, surprised by the girl's vehemence. Apparently, Hinata was too, given by how shocked she looked at her own outburst. The Hyuuga looked down at the table. "That's wrong," she whispered. Hinata looked up, meeting Anko's gaze. "You don't know anything about Naruto-kun," she continued, her voice slightly stronger.

"I know enough to know that a kid like that couldn't possibly be someone worthy of worship," the woman shot back. She broke eye-contact. "There are no gods," she murmured, more to herself than to Hinata.

"You're wrong," Hinata said.

"Oh?"

She nodded. "You're definitely wrong," Hinata asserted again, her voice still soft and meek. But those who knew her well would know that Hinata had reached the limit of her tolerance. She was a girl that rarely got angry, due to her compassionate nature and her own poor sense of self-worth. But to insult her idol, her inspiration, her crush… her god… that made her truly angry.

Anko smirked. "Prove it to me," she taunted, her voice thick with scorn.

Hinata said nothing. Instead, she reached for the bowl that acted as a centerpiece for the table.

A minute later, Anko sniffed cautiously, inhaling the tantalizing aroma. Chopsticks darted into the bowl. "Damn, I'm impressed," she commented as she chewed. She had never had better ramen in her life. Finally, she set the utensils down and burped contentedly, delighting in the slight grimace on Hinata's face at her unladylike gesture. "Kurenai never said you were that good at genjutsu."

Hinata's eyes widened, "Wh-what?"

Anko rolled her eyes. "Come on. You're Kurenai's student. You think I'll be convinced by that?"

"But I… but she's never…"

"Hmm… a god should be omniscient, right? Or at least, a god should know a lot of things."

Caught off guard, Hinata could only stammer, "I guess."

Anko smiled slyly. "Right, so," she leaned in, "where can I get some free booze?"

"Umm… I don't know?"

"But I'm not asking you," Anko said. "If this Naruto kid is a god, then he should be able to tell me where to get free alcohol." Hinata gaped. "Oh, and dango too," Anko added, "or at the very least cake. Delicious cake." She didn't really like cake, but she'd bet it would go great in her tea ceremonies.

"I-I don't think it works like that," Hinata pointed out, her index fingers still continuing their futile, eternal battle against each other.

"Well then," Anko stood, smirking in satisfaction. Hinata's fists clenched. She could not let this woman walk away after all she had said about Naruto-kun.

"Please, wait!" Anko stopped walking towards the door.

"What?" she asked, irritated. Her job was over, wasn't it?

Hinata shyly met her demanding gaze. "I'll ask," she whispered.

* * *

Naruto sneezed wetly and frowned, looking around at the woods around him. Seeing that there was nothing there, he shrugged and jogged after his sensei. Besides, it wasn't like Hinata would really show up out of the blue to ask him where the free booze was. At least, he really hoped that was the case. Was Hinata an alcoholic? It would explain quite a bit about her strange behavior. Still, she didn't seem like the drinking type. If she was, though… Naruto's brow furrowed. He would have to cut off contact from her. She was a minor, just like he was, but if she drank than she would be a morally corrupting influence, and he got enough of that from Ero-sennin. He didn't approve of underage drinking… sort of like he didn't approve of perversion. Naruto scowled. Ero-sennin had called him a girl when Naruto had made it clear that he strongly disapproved of the toad hermit's habits.

Really though, Hinata shouldn't have been drinking alcohol. He made a mental note to confront her about it when he got back.

* * *

It was a strange sight. Anko had never been to a séance before, but she imagined that it would be nothing like what she was witnessing now. Hinata stared into the depths of the steaming ramen as if it would yield the answers to her questions. Occasionally, she would mumble incoherently, but that was normal. Hinata, meanwhile, was starting to feel rather dizzy. The pink swirl at the center of the white fishcake drew her eye in, tempting her eyes with its… swirly-ness. She tried to focus. _Where can I find free alcohol? _Hinata asked her lord, paraphrasing Anko's request.

The bowl quivered. Anko sat up warily. Hinata closed her eyes and bit her lip. There was a sizzling noise and Hinata shrieked, jerking her hands away from the bowl. Broth spilled across the table. The fishcake flew through the air, before landing with a wet smack on Anko's head. Grimacing, the tokubetsu jounin reached up and plucked it out of her hair, but it was slick and hot. She yelped and it quickly slipped through her fingers, sliding down the back of her head. It landed with yet another wet, unpleasant smack on the back of her neck—slightly to the left. Anko scowled and reached up to rip the unpleasant topping from her neck when, abruptly, a burning sensation coursed through her. "Wha-?" she wheezed as the strength was sucked from her limbs, replaced instead by blinding pain. She clutched her neck, inadvertently pressing her hand over both the curse seal and the fishcake. A sizzling noise hissed through the room and Anko silently screamed, toppling to the ground.

The acrid smell of burning flesh wafted to Hinata's nose. She sat, stunned and horrified as she watched the woman write in agony on the ground. Hinata gasped as she noticed that Anko's right hand was smoking. Quickly, she reached out and ripped Anko's hand away. Immediately, the special jounin went limp. She dragged in a harsh, gasping breath. For a while she simply laid on the ground, trying to recover. After a few minutes, she pushed herself upright. Anko bit back a cry of pain as her right hand screamed in agony. Gingerly, she lifted it for inspection. The fishcake sat innocently on the center of her palm. Anko stared at it for a moment, baffled. She reached with her other hand and slowly, painfully peeled the naruto from her palm. For several long moments, she considered the outline of the fishcake—complete with a spiral in the center—that was now branded into her flesh.

"Anko-san?" Hinata's quivering voice broke her out of her thoughts.

"I'm okay," she grunted, waving off the girl's concern. There was something off… She reached for her shoulder again, reflexively. "The pain," she murmured.

"What?" Hinata was lost.

Anko looked at Hinata, a wondering smile on her face. "It's gone!" She leapt to her feet and rushed over to the nearby full-length mirror. She yanked the collar of her coat down and peered at her shoulder. Orochimaru's cursed brand, the Heaven Seal, was gone. In its place, the outline of a fishcake was inked on her neck, a perfect counterpart to the brand on her palm. "This is…" She blinked and uncurled her left hand, realizing that the ramen topping still clung to her palm. Anko stared at the naruto, and then back at her reflection in the mirror. After a moment, she brought it to her mouth and took a dainty bite. Her eyes widened as the taste filled her mouth. _This tastes like… Junmai Daiginjo-shu! _It would take nearly of year of her average pay to buy a bottle of sake of that level, yet here it was, in a fishcake. She ate the rest of it, reveling in the taste. Anko looked at Hinata, who sat wide-eyed and uncertain near the table. "This cake," Anko pronounced deliberately, licking her fingertips, "is delicious."

"Um…"

Anko grinned and sat back down at the table. "Right! How do we do this?"

"Eh?"

"Well, are there secret handshakes, or weekly meetings, or some sort of ritual we have to do? What are the rules? Quick, before Kurenai finishes getting the puke out of her hair!"

"Er… ano… What?" Hinata finally managed to ask, bewildered.

"Well, he gave me free booze and delicious cake, all at once," Anko pointed out. "I'm convinced. Where do I sign up?"

* * *

The Kyuubi no Youko was angry. Contrary to popular belief, this was not a common occurrence. He, and it was a 'he'—though theoretically 'it' might be more appropriate, since the Kyuubi was a demon above all else, but everyone who had ever heard 'it' speak agreed that 'it' sounded very much like a 'he,' so 'it' became a 'he'—, had lived for eons, and the sheer vastness of his experiences left him too jaded to get truly angry at much. Besides, getting angry took effort, and the Kyuubi didn't like doing things that required any degree of effort on his part without adequate reason. The Kyuubi was rather lazy—why else would a being with nearly infinite energy spend centuries asleep other than sloth? Oh, sure, occasionally he woke up and stepped on a bunch of puny ants—humans—but that was the exception rather than the rule. Besides, it was great fun.

Speaking of ants… _What is that meatbag doing? _The Kyuubi frowned, or at least tried to. The facial structure of a fox, even a demon fox, was not conducive to human expressions. _What is that brat doing? _Kyuubi corrected himself. Calling the whiney brat a meatbag was an insult to bags of meat. At least the latter served a viable purpose, one the Kyuubi wholeheartedly approved of, but the former? As far as the giant fox-like being could tell, the creature known as Naruto served no rational purpose. Had the little ant ever done anything remotely constructive in its pitiful little life? Not as far as the Kyuubi could tell. Then again, he had a sneaking suspicion that the brat's purpose was to annoy the Kyuubi. It was one of those things humans did to try and correct bad behavior… what was it again? Punishment, the Kyuubi recalled. It was a ridiculous concept, really. If someone wronged you, you killed them. That took care of the problem, and you got something to eat of the deal too. But humans were ridiculous creatures, and thus prone to not seeing common sense. The brat existed as some sort of twisted punishment for the Kyuubi that the cursed blond sewer-rat with the funky hat had cooked up.

The giant, many-tailed fox forced his thoughts away from the rat in the hat. If he thought about it too long he might start to get angry, and if he got angry he'd want to kill, maim, and destroy. Normally, that was a very healthy, constructive thing for a demon to do in order to work off anger and stave off hypertension later in life. However, the Kyuubi no Youko was stuck in a very solid, very small—relatively speaking, that is—cage, with nothing to kill or maim. There wasn't even a tiny little piece of loose stone that he could incinerate in anger. Once he got angry, the only thing he could do in his cage was stew, or pace in circles. Stewing was really the only option, since he had discovered quite early on that pacing in circles tended to lead to him chasing his own tails, an endeavor that ended quickly and painfully once he caught up to them. His nine beautiful—and gorgeous, spectacular, or perhaps even sublime… no, divine… no, wait… divinely demonic—tails represented an amount of power unmatched in the entire world. With them, he could crush mountains, split the seas, and drive all the winds of the earth before him. Also, the Kyuubi thought that they made him look very regal and dashing, which was almost as important as the mighty power they represented. However, they happened to be extremely long, which meant that the giant demon fox had no trouble whatsoever in catching up to his tails once he starting chasing them. Since the Kyuubi's teeth were so very large, sharp, and terrifying to behold, it made for a rather… unpleasant conclusion to the chase.

Massive, malevolent eyes closed tightly for a moment, as if pained. It was as close to a wince as his canine features could produce. Similarly gigantic ears, more akin to a rabbit's than a fox's, twitched. The Kyuubi's ears twitched again in response to his inadvertent comparison. That same conclusion by others had that led to some embarrassing nicknames when he was younger and less capable of utterly destroying those who mocked him. Incisors the size of small trees were bared in unconscious irritation, and not a little satisfaction. He'd like to hear someone call him 'Bunny foo-foo' again. The satisfaction he would get when they realized that they'd insulted a demon larger than any creature had any right to be and lost control of their bladders would be immense. Then he'd step on them and receive even more satisfaction from the tiny little crunching noises and the wet splat that came as his detractors were ground beneath his vast, earth-shaking paws. _Ah… delicious. _That was bliss.

What was he thinking about again…?

_Ah, yes, the mea- the brat. _

Several months ago, things had been going well for the Kyuubi, or at least as well as they could while he was imprisoned in the belly of the most annoying creature to ever exist on earth—except perhaps for that rat in the hat. It was hard for him to decide which one he hated more. But things had been going somewhat well. The nuisance had begun to call upon the Kyuubi's awesome strength to fight his battles with increasing frequency, which meant that he could worm more and more chakra into the loud insect and erode the accursed seal. It had been working too. Then a wall of… something had slammed down, surrounding the bars and filling the space in-between as well. Whatever it was, it was strong. It was also very bright, it hurt the Kyuubi's eyes, and made it hard for him to take a decent nap. All in all, he had to say that it was an incredibly annoying turn of events. But then he found out that the glowing wall prevented his chakra from flowing into the brat's system, thus ruining his grand escape plan. That really, really, really pissed him off. Even pacing the cage restlessly—and biting all nine of his tails after he had started to instinctively chase them—hadn't forced him to calm down. There were few things that could make the Kyuubi no Kitsune truly angry. Stealing his ticket out of the crappy hell-hole he was in was one of them.

It was clear to all that when the Kyuubi was angry, he tended to destroy, kill, maim, and eat things—in that order. Those things tended to be living creatures. Since humans were extremely abundant, very much alive, and made such delightful sounds when he took his anger out on them, they tended to be the main recipients of his wrath. Anything smaller than humans and he couldn't be bothered, though occasionally he sat back and basked in the knowledge that untold millions—nay, billions of living creatures that he couldn't see had been killed or maimed by his actions. It sent a delightful shiver up his spine just thinking about it.

He shook his great head. It would do him no good to get sidetracked. His brilliant escape plan had been foiled. That was not pleasing. In fact, the Kyuubi was very mad, and he wanted to kill. All he needed was a target and the means to communicate his unhappiness, preferably in the most brutal way imaginable.

Really, there was only one logical conclusion. The brat was the bane of his existence. Something had foiled his attempt to escape from the little insect's putrid belly. A + B equals C. It was obviously all the brat's fault. Thus, he would make the puny squeaker shriek in agony, escape from his cell, and wreck havoc across the world in order to work the stress out of his system. Not necessarily in that order. And he'd eat the brat too, because it'd be funny as hell and he knew that revenge would taste sweet indeed.

The only thing left to do was to figure out a way to exert his influence on the world again.

* * *

**T**_he Great Enemy is cunning. His might is vast beyond imagining. Beware, for the Adversary ever seeks to consume our Lord and his followers. Be of steadfast heart, ye faithful, for only your belief shall save you from the belly of the Beast._

* * *

**Omake**

* * *

_By Kinoth_

Anko still couldn't figure out exactly how Kurenai had talked her into doing 'cult counseling' for the shy, stuttering Hyuuga in front of her. She had been too drunk to really undersand what the woman was talking about- something about how Orochimaru had treated her and having experience with brainwashing. The special jounin had been ready to argue that there wasn't any brainwashing involved, just the perverted sadist branding seals onto her, but that eighth bottle of sake had stolen her ability to speak.

That left the trenchcoat-clad kunoichi facing a blushing chunnin who had apparently been found worshipping a ramen bowl and muttering some sort of prayer to the fox-brat that was off with the Toad Hermit. Slumping down into the chair a little farther, she crossed her arms and gave the girl the hardest look she could muster through the pounding headache. "So why don't you tell me about the last time you got in a fight, because apparently someone knocked all your shit loose if you think that Uzumaki kid's a kami."

Five minutes later, Orochimaru's former student was staring in surprise at a steaming bowl of miso ramen. She had just watched the white-eyed girl say a prayer over the ceramic bowl, and a minute and a half later a reverse-whirlpool spouted from the bottom of the bowl, quickly filling it with noodles and broth. After it finished, a large fishcake had bobbed to the top. Even though she was still hungover, Anko was sure that the girl hadn't used her chakra, she had attempted to dispel any genjutsu that might have been used, and she had already checked the bowl and table for hidden tubes. It honestly seemed like a (minor) miracle. "How in the hell did you figure out how to do that?"

Another ten minutes later, after suffering through Hinata's halting explanation of a mission in Wave and a chance meeting with a chick named Tsunami on the Great Naruto Bridge, Anko was halfway through the incredibly delicious meal that had cured her hangover and left her brimming with energy. "I don't even like ramen and this is some good shit!" she mumbled around another mouthful. "So this Naruto kid might really be a kami after all. What kinda kami is he? What's he believe in?"

The Hyuuga tapped her index fingers together a few times before she could begin. "H-he believes in t-t-training hard, never giving up, um..." Hinata looked down in thought. "..he believes in... ano..."

"Anal!?" Anko roared. "A god of kinky shit! Sign me up!"

* * *

_By Windfalcon_

While Deidara is doing some harmless sculpting, Kisame walks up to him with confusion plain on his features. "Hey Deidara"

"Hn? What is it Kisame?" Deidara asked as he looked up from his Sanbi sculpture.

"Is it just me, or is Tobi's mask more.. orange than usual?"

Thinking for a moment, Deidara glances over to where Tobi is sitting with Itachi, both calmly eating lunch. "Oh... Tobi said he found a new religion, un. Don't let Hidan know."

"Really? What is it?" the shark-man asked, intrigued. By this time Itachi's attention is caught and he idly looks up at Tobi, who had been sitting there calmly as he waited for his cup ramen to finish cooking.

"Not too sure, un... He was told about it in Wave and he joined right up for some reason. He's also taken to eating ramen, un." Deidara commented. "Hmm.. it seems to be beef this time, unless I got my colors wrong, un"

"Orange... and ramen?" Kisame suddenly had a bad feeling build within him, while Itachi, in his first show of emotion in a while, arched a brow.

"He's also picked up a wierd way of talking, un."

"What do you mean?" _Like you're one to talk_

"Tobi is a good boy-ttebayo! I-ta-da-ki-ma-su!" exclaimed the masked member of Akatsuki as he broke his chopsticks apart enthusiastically.

"See what I mean? Kisame? Kisame?!" Glancing over at the ex-member of the Seven Swordsmen, Deidara was shocked to find Kisame was out cold. "HEY! ITACHI! Your partner fainted and is frothing at the mouth, un!"

Unfortunately, Itachi was in too much shock... hearing that there was a religion based on his target was one thing... but the moment he blinked, Tobi had lifted his mask, slurped all his ramen, and put it back on properly before Itachi could catch it!

At least Hidan didn't hear about this...

* * *

_By Windfalcon _(again)

Sakura, Ino and Tenten looked wide-eyed in disbelief as Hinata, practically naked save for a sheer lavender robe that left nothing to the imagination, stood next to a rather confused looking Naruto. Naruto himself was practically bare, save for a pair of orange shorts and the necklace Tsunade gave him, allowing the swarm of girls which surrounded him to admire his body. All three of the girls were bound tightly, hog-tied to prevent escape and gagged to keep them from saying anything unnecessary. Giving a most Un-Hinata-like grin, the Hyuuga heir and First Bride leaned down, placing her hands on both of Naruto's shoulders.

"Look, Naruto-sama... these are all that are left who worship the Dark One. Save for Tenten, the others still carry deep desires for the Devil... whilst the last has yet to experience your light. By your permission Naruto-sama, may we punish them?"

All three girls swallowed and began to sweat nervously as the women that surrounded them all seemed to gain nearly identical looks of hunger.

"P-P-Punish? How're you gonna punish them Hinata-chan?"

Taking a moment to shiver at the sound of her Lord's voice calling her 'Hinata-chan', the pale-eyed ninja gave an eager grin as she turned to look at the three prisoners.

"Well Naruto-sama... you must spank them. Only then may they be purged of the sin that is being an Uchiha Fangirl and introduce your holy power to them." The bound girls, upon hearing the word 'spank'. instantly began to squirm and let out muffled cries in a futile attempt to escape. "And then.. you must spank me too... for I need to feel your holy power as well."

All around Naruto, he heard a chorus of voices crying out to be spanked as well.

Giggling, Hinata lightly ran her fingers through her Lord's golden hair. "Yes. Yes, you must spank us ALL... and then after the spanking.. the oral sex."

Taking one look at the bound prisoners, then all around at the surrounding Brides of Naruto... he could only say one thing.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

And thus, three more had joined the Brides of Naruto, and all within the order felt their faith rewarded and renewed.

Inspired by Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail.

* * *

Author's Notes

Junmai Daiginjo-shu is a class of sake that is brewed with very highly polished rice. It's basically at the pinnacle of sake types (correct me if I'm wrong). The 'Junmai' designation means that it's brewed without any added alcohol – the same grade of sake brewed with some added alcohol would be referred to as Daiginjo-shu.

Well, here it is, my newest project. Just to clear things up, this is my _**second**_ priority, with Tempered in Water remaining my main story. Since I write TBoN so sporadically, it doesn't really take away time from TiW—meaning that any delays to the latter aren't the fault of this story. This story is an experiment on my part, since I've never really tried to write a light piece before. It may be rough in some parts, since I'm sort of playing around and trying different things. This is a very different fish from TiW, as you can probably tell if you've made it this far. It's mostly a crack-fic, combined with parody and other elements of humor, but it's also part action-adventure, part drama, and maybe even part romance... but it's mostly crack and parody, so don't take it too seriously. Since this is a learning experience for me, I'd appreciate any advice anyone has on refining this story and the way I write humor. Obviously, since this is primarily a humor story, I can't please everyone (different strokes for different folks, and all that), but I will try to make this piece a generally enjoyable one.

I'd like to thank Rift120 for coming up with the original concept and for all of the people at TFF who read and commented on TBoN. Without them, this story would never have emerged (so if you think it sucks, blame them ;).

Also, many thanks to Kinoth, Windfalcon, and others who have written snippets on this idea (Kinoth's actually predates my story). I hope you enjoyed the omake. I have more available, but I figured three was enough for now (plus, so far only those two have given me permission to use their work as omake). If anyone wants something included, PM me about it and we'll work something out.

Check out The Book of Naruto's forum at www. fanfiction. net/ft/51642/31433/1/ (remove the spaces) for discussion, review responses, progress updates, and... stuff.

Once again, I have to thank Duke Bonez, for putting up with my many delays, serving as my sounding board, and suffering through proofreading my work. Thanks!

If you see any errors or inconsistencies, please let me know. Other than that, comments are always welcome. If you are going to criticize, all I ask is that it is constructive (again, tell me what is wrong and _why _it is wrong, otherwise it does me no good).

Thank you for reading The Book of Naruto!


	2. Second Testament

**The Book of Naruto**

_Second Testament / And They Spread to the Four Corners of the Earth_

By HitokiriOTD

"**E**ro-sennin," Naruto called. The legendary ninja ignored him in favor of downing another mouthful of sake. "Ero-sennin," Naruto raised his voice. Unfortunately, the music playing in the background still drowned out his voice. Naruto narrowed his eyes at the blushing pervert, who had begun chatting up a pretty young woman—with a surprising amount of success, much to Naruto's annoyance. "Screw this," Naruto muttered in disgust and stalked away. "Stupid pervert. If he has time to flirt, he should have time for training," he mumbled angrily.

Naruto's rant brought him strange looks as he stomped through the dusty streets of Haido City. The pair had made their through the Country of Wind and into Earth Country. Haido was the first big city they had encountered since Konoha, and Naruto could already tell that Jiraiya was planning on milking it for all it was worth. No doubt the old lecher planned on staying as long as possible, drinking, flirting, and peeping the whole time.

Thinking about it sent his blood-pressure soaring. "Bastard," he growled darkly. "You're supposed to train on a training journey. That's why it's called a training journey!" As far as Naruto was concerned, there should have been more training and less journeying and peeping shouldn't even have entered the picture.

A wet squelching noise snapped him out of his angry rant. Naruto frowned as an unpleasant wetness oozed between his toes. _Oh, please no, _Naruto prayed. If he had stepped into _another_ pile of dog shit… well, he would be very, very angry to say the least. He looked down and breathed a sigh of relief. It was only mud.

_Mud? _Naruto wondered in confusion. Just a moment ago the streets had been dry. Naruto looked up at the sky, finally noticing the raindrops falling down from the overcast sky. He had grown so used to random rainstorms that he barely paid attention to them anymore. But enough was enough. Thunder rumbled. _Damn it! _Naruto glared up at the heavens.

"I am so sick of this rain," Naruto growled. If he had known the weather outside of Fire Country was so awful, he might not have agreed to leave it. "Go away already!" Naruto shouted at the sky, heedless of the looks he was drawing. Not that he would have cared even if he had noticed. He was sick of being wet. He was sick of the mud. He was sick of thunder and lightning. He was sick of going days on end looking at sodden scenery and grey skies. "Leave me alone! Shoo!" he gestured angrily.

Lightning arced across the sky. Thunder boomed. The rain stopped. Naruto blinked as the sun peeked through the mass of clouds overhead. "Huh," he shrugged and continued walking. "That's better." _Weird coincidence. Convenient though. _Behind him, the bystanders who had heard him traded bewildered looks. Naruto, on the other hand, shrugged and disregarded the matter. Without the rain to distract him, he quickly remembered why he had been caught outside in the rain in the first place.

Jiraiya.

_Screw him, _Naruto thought uncharitably. _If he won't train me, then I'll just train myself. _Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Naruto had tried training on his own for two days before getting sick of it. Without anything new to practice, it was like he wasn't progressing at all. He'd practiced every jutsu in his small arsenal, even the boring, stupid ones that he had learned in the Academy, and he was sick of practicing the Rasengan only to be yelled at by people angry about falling trees, flying debris, toppling telephone poles, exploding walls, and, in one instance, an incident involving a cat.

Naruto shuddered at the memory. Sometimes he thought that he could still taste the fur that he had accidently inhaled.

He had tried working on his chakra control, but tree walking was too easy—and people yelled at him when he walked up their walls—and water walking was hard to do without water--people, Naruto had learned, also didn't like it when you jumped down into their wells for a bit of practice, and hell if he was going to go and practice naked in a bathhouse—so he was kind of stuck there.

That just left taijutsu, and there was only so much practice he could do on his own that would actually help him improve. He needed something new… a new super-hard training method to practice, a new super-cool jutsu to master, or some kind of super-dangerous challenge that forced him to hone his skills. He needed something super and soon, before his skills started degrading from awesome to merely great... and before his brain committed suicide out of sheer boredom.

A sudden flicker of… something… caught Naruto's attention. He looked up casually, discreetly surveying his surroundings. Something was off, and years of running from angry ninja bent on making him clean up after his pranks—or killing him and sucking the demon out of his stomach to spread havoc and terror in order to impose their will on the world—had taught Naruto to listen to his instincts about things like that. He strolled through the semi-busy streets—people were starting to go about their business in earnest again, since the rain had died down—as if he didn't have a care in the world. But he never stopped seeking with his senses.

Finally, he spotted the cause of his unrest. Three thuggish-looking men were walking down the street in a predatory manner. They had the appearance of men looking for something, and he could tell by the way they moved that they were either shinobi or at least had rudimentary shinobi training. Another second of observation revealed their target, a small, cloaked figure that was walking quickly towards Naruto.

He narrowed his eyes. _No. This isn't it. _His instincts hadn't been set off by this. There was something he was missing. The cloaked figure was drawing closer, as were the pursuers.

_There! _He caught a tiny, subtle flicker of movement from the corner of his eye. There were real shinobi lurking about. The common thread was the cloaked figure. Naruto grinned. _This is what I've been waiting for!_

It was time to play hero.

* * *

The radio crackled to life. "Hostiles are closing on the target. Your orders, captain?"

The ANBU captain currently known as 'Shinzo' scowled behind his mask. They could not allow the unknown hostiles to take the target, but neither could they neutralize them or snatch the target in public. Not if they wanted the mission to succeed, anyway. If they revealed their intentions in such a manner, the Tsuchikage would have his head. He reached up to the radio headset and pressed a button. "We wait," he decided. "They'll be taking the target out of the city. There will be an opportunity to strike."

Four crisp acknowledgments followed his announcement. Then chaos erupted. The three unknown ninja moved to take the target. There was a feminine scream and suddenly a bystander—who was, Shinzo noted, wearing orange—exploded into motion. The shinobi that had laid hands on the target went flying into a nearby stall, sending fruit and produce tumbling as wood splintered and the stall collapsed. The stranger stood protectively in front of the target, grinning widely.

"You bastard!" growled one of the two hostiles still standing. He let out a loud—and extremely unprofessional—yell and charged the blond teen. Blue chakra swirled and twisted into the visible spectrum. Shinzo's jaw dropped. _Impossible! That's…! _Hostile 2 didn't stand a chance. The glowing ball of violently rotating chakra slammed into the ninja and sent him flying in a far more violent manner than his comrade had.

Tango 3 wasn't as stupid as number 2 had been, and took the opportunity to strike as the blond nin was overextended from his attack. He didn't make it. A second blond, identical to the first slammed into his back, driving him to the ground before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Shinzo frowned thoughtfully. _That wasn't a bunshin or even an elemental bunshin. Kage Bunshin? Here?_

The thug turned his head frantically and quickly tried to rise before a solid kick to the head rendered him unconscious.

"Captain!" his ear piece sounded.

"Hold your positions!" the Iwa-nin snapped quickly. "Can anyone identify that shinobi?" he asked. "He's a Konoha-nin, but which one?" A ninja like that had to be in the bingo book. If he wasn't, then Iwagakure's ANBU was sorely incompetent. _Or… he's just that good. _

Four negatives answered him. "How do you know he's a Konoha-nin?" one of his subordinates asked. Shinzo rolled his eyes. _Rookies… _

"That technique… do you recognize it?" Silence. He sighed, "You should. That was the Rasengan, an A-ranked technique developed by the Yondaime Hokage. There's no way that technique would have made its way out of Konoha's hands. A technique like that… this guy is dangerous."

Perhaps too much for his team, even. After all, the Rasengan had only been mastered by two known shinobi to date, and those two were legends even in Iwagakure. Konoha's Yondaime, and Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Sannin, were the only two known to have mastered the technique. But apparently there was now a third, and given the caliber of the other two, Shinzo felt that they were in over their heads.

"What should we do?" his second in command asked. There was no nervousness in her voice. Shinzo smiled. They were ANBU, professionals; of course she wouldn't show her nervousness.

"We need more information. We'll watch, for now."

_But if he wanders into a place with no witnesses, we'll have to strike, and fast. We can't let a guy like that get out into the open. _As a Leaf-nin, it was more than likely that he would hold back while in the city out of concern for the inhabitants, especially if his mission was a covert op like theirs was supposed to be. Once he got out of the city's perimeter though, things would get messy.

* * *

"Who are you?"

Naruto smirked and puffed out his chest. "Uzumaki Naruto," he said in his best 'suave' voice—which really wasn't very good at all. Of course, rescuing people made a great first impression. "Are you all right…?"

"Ah! My name is Chiaki. Yamane Chiaki," the young woman—who, Naruto noted, couldn't have been much older than him—smiled. He blushed in spite of himself. She was very pretty, and quite unique looking. Blond hair and dark lavender eyes weren't a combination common anywhere. She bowed respectfully. "Thank you very much for saving me, Uzumaki-san!" she flashed him another pearly, dimpled smile.

"Ah, it's no problem," Naruto laughed and scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "But… who were those guys?" Her smile faded, and she looked around, a hunted look on her face. "Hey, it's okay. I won't let them hurt you!" He instinctively brought out the Nice Guy pose.

"They might have something to do with my father," she said finally, looking away.

"A grudge?"

"Something like that," she whispered.

Naruto frowned. He got the feeling that he wasn't being told the full story. He remembered the flicker of shadow he had seen earlier. He quickly grabbed Chiaki's slender hand. _Soft, _a part of his mind noted. _Probably rich, _the shinobi side deduced, filing away the lack of calluses or other wear. The 14 year old side was still stuck at 'soft' and 'warm.'

"What are you doing!?" she demanded warily, her voice hushed.

"There are more of them around," Naruto answered, equally quiet. He began walking briskly, pulling her along. There was no point in trying to be casual; they had surely already seen everything. His mind whirled as he contemplated his course of action. The guys he had dealt with had been weak—rookie genin-level at best, and that was being generous—but the group he'd spotted was strong, if the discreet, professional way they were shadowing him was any indication.

He could still take them, of course. But perhaps reinforcements were in order; that way, Jiraiya wouldn't be able to yell at him later about it and an extra hand was always useful when guarding someone. His course, Naruto began retracing his steps to the hostess bar.

Chiaki cheeks were flushed, looking almost embarrassed, as he dragged her through the streets and into a hostess bar. She looked distinctly uncomfortable for some reason, though Naruto couldn't imagine why. But he had other things to do besides thinking about the strangeness of girls. Naruto scanned the interior of the bar frantically for several seconds, but he couldn't find the Toad Hermit.

"Hey," he called to a familiar-looking girl, "where's the perverted old man?" Seeing her blank look—which plainly read, _'Which perverted old man?'_ –he elaborated, "He's big, and has white hair, wears _geta_…"

"Oh, that one. He said he was off to take a bath or something."

Naruto growled in frustration. The bathhouses Jiraiya preferred were all the way across town, and the nearest _onsen _was even further. Jiraiya would be no help. _Like always, _Naruto thought bitterly as he dragged Chiaki away from the hostess club. "Hey!" the girl protested as she struggled to keep up, "Wait! What's going on? Where are we going?"

"There are more shinobi chasing you," he answered tersely. "I was trying to find my teacher, but he's gone. Now we need to lose the guys following you and get you to a safe place."

"How are we going to do that?"

"I don't…" Naruto trailed off, his eyes lighting on a cart in the distance. Further away, he could see the arms of a windmill turning lazily. A thought formed. "That windmill… what's it for?"

"Eh? I think it's for grinding wheat. There's a granary nearby, too, so sometimes the farmers bring their crops to the city to process it and store it until it gets sold..." she trailed off as Naruto turned to stare at her.

"You know a lot!" he observed cheerfully.

Chiaki smiled nervously. "My father is a merchant, so I know a lot about things like that," she explained.

"Never mind," he grinned. "I have a plan!"

* * *

"Encircle the building," Shinzo snapped as he saw the target and her mysterious protector disappear into the mill. _Now's our chance! _The mill rested on the outskirts of the town and it was closed down for the day, so there were no civilians in sight. The five-man cell fanned out around the building and waited. The minutes passed. Shinzo scowled. They weren't coming out. Either they had made their escape or, more likely, the mystery ninja had spotted them and was preparing a trap. There was no time for hesitation. "We're going in," he ordered tersely.

"But, sir…"

"I know it could be a trap," he cut his lieutenant off, "but we can't risk them getting away, either." They assembled at the entrance. Three would go in through the front, in a button-hook maneuver. Two more would breach through the roof. When they were all in place, Shinzo took a deep breath. "Go!" Three explosive seals went off, simultaneously ripping the mill's large doors off their hinges and blowing a hole in the roof. Shinzo darted into the smoke, quickly sliding to the left of the door, along the walls. His two teammates were undoubtedly moving in the opposite direction, and the two above would be dropping in as well.

His eyes watered. The smoke wasn't clearing. A sneeze sounded.

_Not smoke_, he realized abruptly. _This is flour! _There was absolutely no visibility inside the mill. The explosive seals had burst open many large sacks of flour. _Clever, _he applauded his opponent grimly. This was a bad situation. "Status!" he barked into the receiver.

"So far, nothing."

"All clear."

"In position. I can't see a damn thing, captain."

"Yeah, it sucks, huh?"

Shinzo jerked. That last voice wasn't one of his squad. "You-!"

"Sorry about this," the voice said apologetically. There was a high, whining noise.

"Get out!" Shinzo roared. He retreated through the ruined doorway as swiftly as he was able, and as an elite member of Iwa's ANBU, that was very quickly indeed. His comrades weren't far behind. The final member of his team had just cleared the door when the world exploded.

When he woke up, scarcely ten minutes later, he saw a world shrouded in white. He coughed, and spit. _Flour, _he realized, deeply disgusted. At that moment, he conceived a deep and abiding hatred of flour. His head pounded fiercely, and at least two of his ribs had to be cracked. There were pieces of shrapnel embedded in his back and legs, but it wasn't enough to keep him from moving.

A groan sounded from nearby. He staggered over, only to find his teammate and lieutenant alive, though not in much better shape than himself. A quick, if painful, survey soon confirmed that they were they were all alive, if badly battered. The ANBU captain looked around at the powdered landscape. Soon the police and other authorities would arrive.

"The mission is a failure," he said flatly, grimacing. It looked like the Tsuchikage would have his head after all. "We're retreating."

One thing was for certain though. The Tsuchikage would definitely be interested in hearing about a blond Konoha-nin who could wield the Rasengan and take down a team of Iwa's elite without taking a single wound. Perhaps he would even be distracted enough to forget Shinzo's failure.

* * *

"I'm Yamane Chiaki. It's nice to meet you," the girl greeted cheerfully. Jiraiya stared in amazement. When his loud-mouthed apprentice had come stomping up to his hidden peeping location in the back of the bathhouse, he had felt trepidation. The loudmouthed brat tended to favor blowing Jiraiya's cover as a method of retribution. But the brat hadn't yelled at all.

Instead, he had brought a pretty—very pretty, at second glance—girl with him, and now he was introducing her to his great sensei! Had Naruto grown so much without him noticing? Where did the time go? Jiraiya swelled with happiness and pride. Naruto was finally becoming a man.

"Ahem," Jiraiya cleared his throat and prepared to launch his patented introduction—guaranteed to make the ladies swoon! Naruto wordlessly stepped on his teacher's foot and ground his sandal down. "Ouch!" Jiraiya hopped and glared indignantly at Naruto. The boy glared back. Noticing Chiaki's stare, Jiraiya cleared his throat again and tried to recover his dignity. "I am Jiraiya," the legendary ninja announced grandly—a very modest introduction for one as great as him. He stepped closer and took the girl's hand. "It is a pleasure to meet you," Jiraiya murmured, bringing her hand up for a kiss.

"Ero-sennin," Naruto growled.

Jiraiya whirled. "I told you not to call me that in public!" he yelled.

"I'll stop calling you Ero-sennin when you stop being a pervert, Ero-sennin!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up, Ero-sennin!"

Chiaki giggled, covering her mouth with her hand as she did so. The two ninja stopped arguing immediately. Jiraiya gave her another appreciative once-over and drew Naruto further away. "What is it?" the young teen grumbled, irritated.

"Naruto," the hermit began seriously, setting his hands on the genin's shoulders. Naruto immediately focused his attention on his teacher. "I'm so proud of you!" Jiraiya exclaimed, beaming.

"Huh?" He drew back, disturbed by the unexpected sight of Ero-sennin's beaming face.

"You've finally achieved the next level, bringing back a girl like that! She's hot, too!" Jiraiya's lecherous grin widened and he gave his student a thumbs up. "Where did you find her, huh?" he nudged Naruto. "Have you done… it, yet?"

Naruto blushed and scowled furiously at the same time. "It's not like that!" he protested.

Jiraiya frowned. "It's not?"

"No!"

The older man sighed, clearly disappointed. "Oh," he drew back, "it's not."

"She was going to be kidnapped or something…"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jiraiya waved a hand lazily, his mind already drifting back to peeping. He began making his way back to the sweet spot.

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto shouted, causing the man to wince.

"What!?"

"Listen! She was attacked by Iwa-nin…" Naruto urgently explained the situation. Jiraiya sighed when Naruto finished his explanation.

He turned to Chiaki. "Do you know why you're being targeted?" the old man asked directly. The girl looked away, fidgeting for a moment, before opening her mouth. "Don't lie," Jiraiya warned softly as he met her violet eyes.

She flinched at the unspoken threat in his tone. "My father is Yamane Iwato," she said quietly. Jiraiya's eyes widened.

"I see," he grunted.

Naruto did not. "Who is that?" he demanded.

"The daimyo of Tsuchi no Kuni," Chiaki answered, hesitantly meeting Naruto's gaze.

Naruto blinked as he processed this. He took a deep breath, causing Chiaki to draw back. "Yes!" he exploded, punching a fist into the air.

"What are you so happy about?" Jiraiya wondered.

"Don't you see!?" Naruto turned to face his teacher. Jiraiya flinched at the sight of Naruto's sparkling eyes. "I've saved a princess! After all of those missions, after all of my hard work, I've finally saved a real life princess! That's so awesome!"

Rescuing a princess was one of Naruto's long held ambitions. When he had daydreamed about becoming a kick-ass ninja, saving princesses figured prominently in those fantasies. Now that he had actually saved one, he felt that much closer to becoming an awesome shinobi.

Awesome shinobi rescued princesses. It was that simple.

Chiaki couldn't help but giggle as Naruto carried on. Eventually, he came down from his high and quickly offered to escort Chiaki home, an offer that she gladly accepted. Jiraiya sighed, looking back at the bathhouse longingly. Still, it didn't take long for him to perk up. The princess of Earth Country was a very attractive girl, and surely a legend like him would be able to sneak a few peeks.

* * *

**N**aruto pulled at the collar of his haori. It was bad enough that they had shoved him into such a traditional, stuffy outfit, but having to sit at the daimyo's dinner table? Pure torture. It was like having to sit through one of Iruka-sensei's boring lectures without any hope of ramen at the end of the long, dark tunnel.

Everything was so boring and formal, and he was forced to eat at a ridiculously slow pace. At least the daimyo used a normal table with chairs, rather than the more traditional kind. He shivered as he contemplated how numb his legs would feel if that had been the case, but he was careful to keep his back straight. Every time he slouched even a single bit, Jiraiya would surreptitiously hit him in the back—hard. Naruto fiddled with the seams of the hakama. He would have picked at his food, but then Ero-sennin would smack him again and his back was already feeling bruised.

Naruto sighed wistfully. He had seen little of Earth Country's capital city. The moment they had reached the gates, a swarm of guards had emerged at shepherded them to the castle. The fact that it was nighttime meant that he had only seen the lights, but even that glimpse made him want to see more. Naruto had never seen so many lights in one place before; Earth Country's capital was far bigger than any city Naruto had ever encountered. But here he was, stuck at some noble's dinner party. The food wasn't even that good—where was the ramen?

"…and then Naruto-kun set off the fireworks, and there was a huge explosion!" Chiaki exclaimed. Naruto winced. Normally, he would have been proud of the fact that the table was apparently enthralled by his daring rescue of Chiaki—except for the fact that it was a feudal lord sitting at the head. A feudal lord whose windmill he had blown up. A feudal lord whose daughter he had brought near a volatile explosion.

"I see," the big-boned man smiled. He looked at Naruto considering for a few moments, which made Naruto sweat nervously. "You have my thanks for rescuing my daughter," the daimyo, Iwato, said gruffly.

"You have mine as well," his wife said, smiling. Naruto blushed in embarrassment. Clearly, Chiaki had inherited her looks from her mother, Mitsuki. Naruto swallowed and shifted uncomfortably, a strange heat rising in his stomach. It took a titanic effort of will to tear his eyes away from her.

"Ah… it was nothing," Naruto replied awkwardly, scratching his head and fervently hoping that he sounded suitably modesty instead of just stupid.

Mitsuki's smile broadened. "Modest, too," she murmured. There was an odd gleam in her eyes that Naruto didn't recognize. He did know that it made him decidedly nervous. Discussion began to drift towards other subjects and the dinner continued. Naruto endured for what seemed like hours. Eventually the plates began to disappear from the table, cleared by unobtrusive servants. Naruto eyed them. They moved very stealthily for civilians; he wondered if they had any shinobi training. The suspicious part of his mind wondered if they _were_ shinobi. He wouldn't put it past the daimyo to have his main guards under disguise.

Tea and liberal amounts of sake began to arrive in earnest. Apparently the daimyo wanted to celebrate his daughter's safe return. "Drink up," Iwato urged, already red-faced.

Ero-sennin grinned and raised his saucer, "Kanpai!"

"Kanpai!" echoed the daimyo and several others, downing another gulp. Naruto sighed. _The three vices of a shinobi, my ass, _he grumbled internally. Ero-sennin drank like a fish, which was yet another one of his habits that reduced Naruto's training time. _Damn it! I could be training, or out seeing the city! Why do I have to sit here and watch as old men get drunk? I should… I should… _

His thoughts grew hazy. _Is that a foot? _Naruto wondered. He looked down.

It was indeed a foot. In his lap. There was a foot in his lap, tracing lazy circles along his thigh. And it was moving higher. Naruto gaped, momentarily bewildered. He looked up. Chiaki gave him a sunny smile. Deliberately, her foot pressed its way forward.

_What is she doing!? _He gave her a panicked look, frantically jerking his head towards her nearby parents—one of which was the supreme ruler of a whole country. _Oh, shit, _was all he could think as the slender foot continued its progress deeper into his lap. _I'm going to die. _He was going to get killed. He would be dragged into the courtyard and beheaded, and they would mount his skull on a spear in front of the castle gates. _This is what happens when you get fresh with my daughter, _the sign would say. _What is she…? Wow…_

He spent the rest of the dinner in a mental fog. When it was over, the foot withdrew and coherent thought began to seep back in to his overheated brain. Chiaki gave him a saucy smile as she stood and followed her father out of the room. Naruto sagged in his chair, profoundly grateful that nobody had seen anything… as well as slightly disappointed that it was over.

Ero-sennin had apparently already staggered off somewhere, though Naruto couldn't remember him leaving. He sat for a few more minutes, calming down and recovering his ability to think rationally. Finally, he slipped out of the dining room and made his way towards his room—a suite all his own, more extravagant than he had ever seen before.

Naruto sighed blissfully as he sank into the soft, plush mattress. _It pays to rescue princesses, _he thought happily. He firmly put the dinner incident out of his head and began to relax. Sleep had nearly claimed him when he was startled by a soft knock. Naruto jumped up, fully alert again, and reached for a kunai.

He quickly hid the weapon and relaxed slightly as Mitsuki slid into the room.

"Good evening," she purred. The door slid shut behind her and the lock clicked into place.

"Mitsuki-san," Naruto squawked. "What…?"

"I just came for a visit," she smiled mischievously.

"But…" he gulped, taking in her curvaceous form. It seemed that Chiaki still had a long way to go. It didn't help that the silken yukata the daimyo's wife wore seemed to cling tightly to her skin. Naruto had no idea what she was doing in his room, but he had a feeling that it was a very bad thing. Or a very good thing… he wasn't sure which.

"What?" she pouted. "I can't say 'thank you' to my daughter's savior?"

"Er…" That was reasonable, wasn't it?

She came over to stand by his bed. Naruto's heart beat furiously. "You shouldn't…" he said weakly.

"Shouldn't what?" she asked archly. Mitsuki leaned forward. Naruto sucked in a deep breath. The woman was wearing her yukata the traditional way, which meant, as Naruto could plainly see, that the only thing underneath it was Mitsuki. "What do you think I'm doing here?"

"Um…" Naruto's imagination went wild. He blushed deeply. _I'm not a pervert, _he protested feebly to himself. Apparently, his imagination did not agree.

"I see," she murmured. "You think I'm here for something like _that, _hmm?"

"No, I'm not…!" A golden wave cascaded down her back when she reached up and freed her hair from its restraints.

"Well, if the man who saved my daughter wants a reward…" she trailed off, her voice a smoky purr. Her hands went to her waist and her robe fell away. Smiling, she crawled onto the bed. She reached out, placing a slender hand on his chest, and lightly pushed. Naruto flopped back, too stunned to react. Mitsuki's hand trailed across his chest before venturing south. Naruto gasped. "Then who am I to disagree?" she asked, smilingly sultrily.

* * *

_**O**__ur Lord's might shelters the weak and the needy, for his compassion knows no bounds. He asks for naught, but for your thanks. The true faithful shall descend to their knees, and worship…_

* * *

**N**aruto stared blearily at the food before him. His mouth watered at the smell of it and he could feel his stomach grumbling, but somehow he couldn't seem to find the will to lift his chopsticks. He had gotten little sleep since dinner the night before. It was as if all of his energy had been sucked out of him. Even so, he couldn't quite suppress the silly little grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.

He felt… good. Great, even. Naruto was tired, drained, and maybe even a bit sore. He had never felt better in his life. He couldn't help but steal a glance towards the head of the table, where the daimyo's wife was daintily eating her breakfast.

Last night—and most of the morning, actually—still felt like a surreal dream to Naruto. Things like that didn't happen to him. The majority of the village was still too stubborn to see his awesomeness. It didn't help that he was short for his age—though he'd had a growth spurt recently, so it wasn't as bad as it used to be—and his grinning, round-cheeked face didn't attract a gaggle of squealing girls the way that Sasuke's 'aristocratic' features had. His choice of dress also turned women off, or so Sakura-chan had told him numerous times.

Besides, he was only fourteen years old. The idea that a beautiful woman—a beautiful _married _woman—would be so grateful that she had to seduce him was absurd. It was like Kiba's dream come true. But it had happened, and it had changed him forever.

Naruto had no idea that he could do things like that with girls. Well, he had known vaguely where children came from, and he had hoped that one day, when he and Sakura-chan were married, they would get around to it… But he hadn't really _known. Ero-sennin is on to something, _Naruto realized for the first time.

The legendary ninja broke all three shinobi vices frequently, often at the same time. Naruto still didn't approve of ero-sennin's drinking, and his financial habits left something to be desired, but maybe women weren't really that much of a vice after all. For a boy that had spent the previous fourteen years of his life looking down on perverts, it was a troubling realization. He spent approximately fifteen seconds pondering it before shrugging. There was no way he was going back to the way he was before. A whole new world had opened up to him.

"-uto-kun?" He blinked. Chiaki gazed at him, concerned. "Are you all right?"

"Ah…" he laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand, "I'm fine. What was it again?"

"You look tired," Chiaki said. "If you want, we can postpone the tour for another day," she offered.

"It's okay," Naruto reassured her, shrugging off his exhaustion. "I just… had a bit of trouble sleeping."

"It was a long night," Mitsuki happily agreed. Naruto coughed. Her green eyes peered at him through long lashes, and as she took another bite of fish her tongue suggestively caressed the lacquered wood of her eating utensils.

"You had trouble sleeping, Mother?" Chiaki asked.

Mitsuki smiled at her daughter. "Something like that," she murmured. She glanced sidelong at Naruto again, "It was very… hard."

Naruto's face flamed as he choked on the sip of water he had just taken. A vague sense of panic rose within him at Mitsuki's not-so-subtle innuendo. If anyone ever found out about the night before… having his head impaled on a pike would probably be a relief.

Luckily for Naruto and his continued good health, Mitsuki's teasing comments sailed right over Chiaki's head. Breakfast dragged onward as Naruto ate and sweated uncomfortably as the daimyo's wife flirted shamelessly with him in front of her only daughter. His previous sense of euphoria had vanished beneath the rising certainty that he was a dead man walking. Disaster loomed just around the corner; Naruto was certain of it.

Still, no guards burst into the dining room to drag Naruto off to be tortured. Ero-sennin miraculously declined to show up and gleefully reveal Naruto's shameful secret to the world. Sakura didn't come barreling through the door to… unman him. Naruto might have even called breakfast pleasant, except for the fact that he twitched nervously at the slightest noise as if it meant his death.

An eternity of potentially lethal innuendo and tightly wound paranoia passed before breakfast was over. Chiaki stood and stretched. Naruto's eyes immediately noted the way her shirt stretched tautly over her chest at the movement. He tore his wayward eyes away from the strangely fascinating sight a moment later, scowling to himself. _I'm becoming just like Ero-sennin, _he thought with something close to despair.

"Well, I suppose I should be going," Mitsuki murmured, standing as well. "Have a good day, dear," she told her daughter.

"I will, Mother," Chiaki smiled.

Mitsuki eyed her for a moment before nodding slightly. She headed for the door, her fingers lightly brushing Naruto's neck as she passed. "I hope you have a pleasant day, Naruto-san," she whispered throatily as she passed.

"Err… yeah," Naruto answered nervously. "You too."

"Oh, I will," Mitsuki's lips quirked upward. A moment later, she slipped out the door.

"Let's go, Naruto-kun!" Chiaki exclaimed eagerly.

She grabbed his hand and dragged him through the palace and out towards the rear gate. There, they were stopped by two guards.

"We have orders not to let you out un-chaperoned," one of them explained apologetically.

"What?" Chiaki asked, startled. Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Naruto-kun is a very capable shinobi," she pointed out firmly. "I won't need any more escorts."

"He is a _Konoha_ shinobi," the other guard retorted darkly.

Chiaki's lips tightened, "You…"

"Sorry I'm late!" Jiraiya announced, slapping Naruto on the back. Naruto staggered forward before turning to glare at his teacher.

"Ero-sennin!"

"Don't call me that in front of other people!" Jiraiya snapped back reflexively. "Ahem," he cleared his throat, sensing three pairs of staring eyes on him. "I'm here to escort the princess while she shows Naruto around," Jiraiya told the guards.

"Jiraiya-sama!" they snapped to attention. They uncrossed their spears and opened the doors. "Please, go ahead, Chiaki-sama."

She hesitated for a moment, glancing at Jiraiya and Naruto, before stepping through the small gateway. Naruto and Jiraiya followed.

Once they were out of earshot of the guards, Chiaki whirled to face Jiraiya and put her hands on her hips. "What's this about escorting me?" she demanded.

"Ah, that?" Jiraiya chuckled. "That was a lie."

"Why would you do that?" Chiaki asked, confused. "How did you do that?" she asked a moment later. "You shouldn't have any authority over our guards."

"I'm one of the Legendary Sannin," Jiraiya pointed out. "Besides," he said after a moment, once it became clear that she wasn't buying his explanation, "your father is remarkably generous after he's loaded up on liquor and free porn. He told the guard commander that I had free reign of the place."

Chiaki was horrified by the very thought, though she wasn't sure which was more chilling: that her father would be so easily manipulated when drunk—and plied with free pornography, but she didn't want to think about that part—or that 'Ero-sennin' had free access to the whole palace. She had only traveled with the man for a short time, but it had become abundantly clear that the legend was very perverse, very stealthy, and entirely without shame. The baths were clearly off-limits for her for the duration of his stay.

"As for why, well," he shrugged, "I just felt like it."

"So you won't be accompanying us?" she asked, failing to mask her total lack of disappointment.

"Of course not," Jiraiya laughed. "You two kids have fun. I have other… errands… to attend to."

"Errands?" Naruto snorted skeptically.

"You don't have to sound so doubtful," Jiraiya sighed, wounded that his student doubted him. "The truth is…" he trailed off, beckoning Naruto to come closer. "I'm going to find out about her attackers," Jiraiya said confidentially when the boy had done so.

Naruto drew back in surprise, "Really?!" He was stunned. Ero-sennin actually doing something meaningful and unrelated to peeping, flirting, or writing porn was almost a foreign concept to Naruto.

"Yes," Jiraiya lied.

"Then I'll…!"

"Stay with her," Jiraiya said sternly. "Who's going to protect her if you leave?"

"Oh," Naruto blinked. "Right!" he exclaimed vigorously.

"Naruto," Jiraiya began seriously. Naruto leaned closer to hear his teacher's words. "This is a great opportunity for you. Now is the time for you to truly become a man."

Naruto sucked in a deep breath, his heart beating furiously. "What is it?" he asked eagerly. "Is it a new type of training? A new technique? What?"

"No," Jiraiya shook his head. "It is far more important that those things."

"More important?" Naruto echoed in a hushed whisper.

The toad-summoner nodded seriously. "You may never get a chance like this again."

"What is it?" Naruto hissed impatiently.

"Do it."

Naruto stared blankly. "Do what?"

"Just remember… do it. She's slender, she's stacked, she's pretty, and she's totally into you… so do it. You may never encounter a girl with all of those qualities together again."

Naruto's eyes narrowed into suspicious slits. "You're telling me to do something perverted, aren't you…?" Naruto trailed off. His heart beat sped up again as images of Mitsuki danced through his head.

"When the time comes, you'll know," Jiraiya said mysteriously. He cheerfully waved at Chiaki before walking away, humming cheerfully.

Naruto stared after Ero-sennin for a long moment, torn.

"Naruto-kun, let's go!" Chiaki called.

"Coming!" Naruto yelled back, putting the matter aside.

The day passed in a whirlwind of new sights, sounds, and tastes for Naruto as Chiaki took him on a tour of the city. Eventually, as the afternoon sun cast molten gold rays and deep shadows across the city, they entered the great part that dominated the eastern side of the city. Chiaki guided him off the path and deeper into the woods to a small glade.

"This is…?" Naruto questioned, looking around.

"This is my favorite spot in the city," Chiaki beamed. "If you look there," she gestured, "you can usually see the sun just before it disappears under the horizon."

"It's very pretty," Naruto said awkwardly. He wasn't really one to appreciate the scenery, though the glade was rather picturesque in the afternoon light.

"Yes," she sighed wistfully. They stood in mutual silence for several minutes before Chiaki spoke again. "Naruto-kun."

He blinked lethargically, "Yeah?"

"I never really thanked you for saving me," she said softly, lightly placing a hand on his chest.

Naruto started. _When did she get so close? _"It's okay!" he exclaimed, smiling his "Nice Guy" smile. He would have done the pose, but she was too close for it to make its maximum effect. Naruto nervously licked his lips as his eyes inadvertently strayed south, taking in the way her shirt clung to her very healthy chest.

_Stop it, _he told himself half-heartedly, forcing his eyes back up. That wasn't much better, he reflected as he visually traced the way her lips pouted and followed her delicate, slightly up-turned nose up to meet her lavender eyes.

"…was so brave. You didn't have to help me or put yourself in harm's way, but you did. No one has ever done anything like that for me before," Chiaki said earnestly. She stepped closer. He was vaguely surprised to note that he was slightly taller than her; he wasn't used to being taller than anyone… well, except for Konohamaru and Co., but they were shrimps. Chiaki stepped closer again, to the point where their noses were nearly touching. Naruto was feverishly aware of the way that her chest pressed against his. Her hair smelled like strawberries. _Don't, _he bit his lip. "Naruto-kun," she whispered, her soft, warm breath brushing against his face, "thank you for saving me."

Her hands came up, brushing his jaw before lightly curling around his neck. Naruto stood, paralyzed, his heart thumping audibly in his ears. _Don't do it, _he pleaded, though even he wasn't sure whether he was begging himself or Chiaki. Another recently awakened part of him begged to differ. Naruto could only watch as she leaned closer still.

Her lips brushed his. _Don't do it. _She backed off slightly, her eyes opening to meet his. They stared at each other for several seconds before her eyes slid shut again and she pressed her lips against his for the second time.

_We shouldn't be doing this, _Naruto thought dazedly as the princess of Tsuchi no Kuni's tongue probed into his mouth.

"_You know you want to," _said a voice that Naruto fuzzily recognized as that crazy examiner with the thing for blood from the chuunin exams.

_I'm not a pervert! _Naruto protested, his hands trailing down Chiaki's slender back.

"_It's not really perverted," _the psycho's voice cajoled. _"Everyone does it. How do you think you were born?" _

_But…_

"_Don't do it, Naruto-kun!" _Hinata's voice urged with surprising fervor.

_That's right… I shouldn't… _His hands found two very round, very firm things during their exploration of Chiaki's back. He squeezed, eliciting a moan from the girl lustfully working her lips against his. _I shouldn't…_

"_What do you mean, don't do it?" _crazy lady's voice demanded.

"_Naruto-kun isn't like that! He shouldn't sleep with some foreign scarlet woman!" _Hinata's voice replied primly.

"_Of course he should!" _the nutcase retorted. Absently, he tried to remember her name. It was a tough job, especially since there was a really pretty girl writhing against him. _"How else do you think he's going to get practice?"_

"…_Practice?" _Hinata queried at length.

"_Think about it," _Anko—_Huh. Easier than I thought it'd be, _Naruto thought dizzily—purred, sensing weakness, _"The first time is notoriously awkward, especially if both parties are cherries. But if he's gotten a lot of practice, he'll be really good. I mean, he's a…" _There was a meaningful silence.

"…_Really good?"_

"_Mmmm… oh yeah."_

"_Do it."_

"_That's what I'm talking about! Do it, big guy!"_

Naruto ignored the crazy voices in his head with skill that could only come from extensive practice. He was able to pull back slightly, creating a bit a space between himself and Chiaki's hungry lips. "We shouldn't do this…" he hissed urgently.

"But I want to," she purred before stifling his protests with her tongue.

_No! We shouldn't…! _Naruto reached up to push her away. His hands encountered her full, perky breasts.

"_Do it," _Hinata's voice urged.

"_Do it!" _Anko exclaimed.

"_Just remember," _Ero-sennin's solemn voice sounded in his head, _"…do it."_

_Screw it, _Naruto thought. He squeezed.

An undeterminable amount of time later, Naruto stared up at the twinkling stars of the night sky. Chiaki's warm body was wrapped around him, her legs twining through his, her head resting sleepily on his chest.

"Naruto-kun…" she murmured in her sleep.

Naruto sighed. He knew that he was in deep trouble for what had just happened. His misdeeds the night before had just been doubled. Moreover, every extra second they spent laying naked together in the grass increased the chances of being discovered. But he couldn't muster the strength to care. Instead, he lazily traced the curve of her hip and grinned at the stars.

"…I love you."

_Shit._

* * *

_**F**__or the Lord's temple is thy body … Cleanse thy body of dirt and sin, care for thy house of worship… In the worthy shall the Lord enter with all of his love; in the worthy shall the Lord visit with his splendor…_

* * *

**H**inata awoke with a gasp. She sat up quickly, her heart thundering in her ears, her face burning, and pressed a hand over her heart.

_What was that?_

It was one of the most bizarre dreams of her life. At least, she thought so. Hinata couldn't be sure, since she couldn't remember exactly what she had been dreaming about. She did know it had involved Naruto, but so did the vast majority of her other dreams. Unfortunately, it had been a… naughty… dream, and not the good kind of naughty either.

Like when Naruto tied her up and blindfolded her, and then proceeded to…

Or when they went on a mission together into enemy territory, and their cover story demanded that they pretended to be a couple and they were forced to prove it physically…

And then there was that one where he snuck into her room while she was sleeping and…

Hinata's blush intensified by several orders of magnitude. She shook her head furiously, trying to derail her thoughts from their current track.

Her most recent dream had been naughty, but it was more nightmarish than most of her dreams that bore that moniker were. She didn't know why she felt that way, but that was the only lasting impression she had of it.

Well, that and the vague feeling that Anko had been involved somehow. That alone was enough to turn any dream into a nightmare for Hinata.

She spent several minutes trying to sort it out in her head. Eventually, Hinata sighed and gave up, instead choosing to leave the comforting warmth of her blankets and face the day.

Her morning shower took longer than usual. She hadn't been able to completely stop her wistful recollections of more pleasant dreams.

To make up for the delay, she rushed through the rest of her morning rituals, slowing down only to properly brush her hair. Taking care of her hair had grown more important as it grew longer. She had to work hard to keep it clean and avoid knots and tangles, and it was just a big hassle in general. But it would be worth it; Hinata firmly believed that.

Naruto liked girls with long hair.

Sakura had been a prime example of that fact, until the pink haired girl had decided to cut it for some baffling but entirely welcome reason. Naruto hadn't stopped liking Sakura after that, which was unfortunate, but it showed that he wasn't shallow and it highlighted that wonderful stubbornness of his. Though sometimes Hinata wished that he was just a little bit less stubborn… then maybe he would look at girls beside Sakura.

Well… one girl. But it probably wouldn't work out so smoothly.

After all, if he started looking at girls besides Sakura, he might end up setting his sights on some girl that Hinata couldn't beat. At least Sakura had flaws that Hinata could exploit, like her smaller chest and tendency towards violent conflict resolution. Hinata's only worry was whether or not Naruto did in fact consider those to be flaws.

If he liked girls that hit him… She wasn't sure she could do that, but for Naruto, she would try. No, that wasn't the big problem. The problem was if he preferred girls that were more slender up top.

Hinata looked down and pulled her jacket forward at the neck, peeking inside her clothes. She sighed. Perhaps her wishes to gain a more feminine figure had been too effective. She certainly hadn't imagined that she would, or could, change so much in the two years Naruto had been gone.

Hinata bit her lip and tried to think about other things. There was no point to conjecture when Naruto was still so far away. Besides, a nagging voice inside her—the other one, not the one that dredged up all her doubts and insecurities—said that his preferences would help her more than they would help Sakura.

She wasn't sure how she knew that. Hinata had a feeling that she should know, that there were examples out there that clearly proved what Naruto's taste in women ran to—besides Sakura, of course—but for the life of her she couldn't remember who they were. There were other women out there that Naruto had shown interest in, but who…?

A fierce, stinging pain in her palms shook Hinata from her contemplations. She stared down at her hands, bewildered by the deep, painful furrows in her palms. Had she done that?

There was a knock on her bedroom door. Hinata started, uttering a small exclamation of surprise, before gathering her wits and heading over to the door.

"Hanabi," Hinata greeted her little sister, faintly surprised to find her there. "Good morning," she smiled uncertainly.

Her relationship with Hanabi remained awkward. While their father had stopped threatening Hinata with Hanabi's progress, there was still a lingering feeling that she was being measured against her little sister. Hanabi gave no sign of what she felt about it, one way or another. Was she resentful that she had to play second fiddle to Hinata once more? Was she relieved that she no longer had to bear the sole burden of inheriting the clan from their father? Her sister was so hard to comprehend—unlike Hinata, Hanabi had taken to the ideal of Hyuuga stoicism to heart—and Hinata was never sure what Hanabi thought about her.

"Hinata-neesama," Hanabi nodded in reply, her expression neutral. "You have a guest," she informed Hinata.

Hinata froze in mid-yawn, surprised. She flushed as she realized the unsightly expression she was showing her little sister. Her teeth met with an audible click. "A visitor?" Hinata queried at length. "Who is it?"

Hanabi's slender shoulders moved up and down slightly. The gesture was so small that it took Hinata a moment to realize that Hanabi had shrugged.

"I see," Hinata murmured. She smiled thankfully at Hanabi, "Thank you."

Hanabi nodded again, turned, and headed off.

By the time Hinata reached the foyer of the main house, her curiosity had risen to a fever pitch. Who would come and visit her at her house? It was probably one of her teammates, but none of them had said anything about coming over. Who else could it be?

Her breath caught in her throat. Her heartbeat quickened. Could it be…?

Hurriedly, she threw open the screen door and nearly ran down the hallway. Once she reached the corner, she slowed down to a more dignified pace and turned the corner, laying eyes on the foyer.

"Yo, Hinata!" a boisterous—and decidedly, disappointingly female—voice greeted her. A shadow crossed over her, settling over her shoulders like a crushingly heavy mantle. Hinata could only categorize it as a feeling of utter despair and doom. A huge grin stretched over Anko's face. "I've come to pick you up…" she glanced around, checking her surroundings. Her grin turned sly, "…leader!"

* * *

_**I**__n the house of the blind, in the house of the far-sighted, the two met once more. The maiden saw within the woman a soul adrift, a soul thirsting for the Word. And so the pure, far-seeing maiden, the first to see the Truth and the first to hear his Word, said unto the woman, "Let us go forth and spread the Word. I will teach you his ways, so that you may speak his Word to all that would hear."_

_The woman, humbled, could only defer to the maiden's wisdom. "I will listen to all that you speak," she swore._

_The maiden shook her head gently. "Listen not to me. Hear not the words of mortals. Listen only to the Word of our Lord, for his is the Truth. The Truth waits for all of those with the heart to hear it."_

"_But who among us will hear?"_

"_We will show them the way."_

* * *

**T**hey were mighty.

They were passionate.

They were dynamic.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

They were enjoying the springtime of their youth.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee sobbed, overcome with emotion.

"Lee!" Gai replied, light pinging off his teeth despite the manly tears coursing down his face.

They were bat-shit crazy.

All in all, they were the perfect targets for their trial run. Anko turned her disgusted grimace into a grin at that thought. She glanced down at her partner in crime. Hyuuga Hinata stared at the spectacle in front of her with the rapt attention of a deer spotting a speeding four-ton hunk of metal barreling right towards it.

Anko nudged the girl, "You ready?"

Hinata shook her head frantically, backing up a step.

"Great!" Anko grinned, willfully taking Hinata's frantic denial for enthusiasm. She hooked an arm around the shorter girl's shoulders and propelled her forward.

"Anko-san!" Hinata squea—exclaimed in surprise.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Yo, Gai!"

"Lee!" The bushy-browed jounin blinked, confused. _Lee did not sound very youthful just now. _"…Lee?"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Do I sound like Lee, dumbass?" a sickly sweet voice inquired from behind him. Gai turned his head.

"Anko!" he boomed, chuckling heartily at his hot-blooded mistake.

"Gai-sensei!"

"And you've brought a passionate young flower in the springtime of her youth with you!" Gai observed.

Anko frowned, trying to interpret Gai's gibberish. "…Hinata?" she asked finally. She looked to her right, only to find Hinata gone. Anko sighed and stepped aside, giving the timid Hyuuga—an oxymoron if there ever was one—an exasperated look. "Look, I know you think this is a waste of time and would rather be praying," Anko said frankly.

"No, I… "

"Gai-sensei!"

"But this is part of your job too," Anko continued, steamrolling over Hinata's response. "I mean, as the leader of a growing religion," it had been upgraded from 'cult' to 'religion' since Anko had become a member, "you need to take an interest in recruitment now and then."

"I'm not…" Hinata tried to protest.

"Gai-sensei!"

"I mean, sure you could just leave it up to me. I'm fine with that. You're the boss, it's your call. But you need to train me or something first. You can't expect me to take up recruiting if you don't show me how it's done, right?"

"I… what…?"

"Excuse me for interrupting your youthful and somewhat confusing conversation, but what are you two talking about?" Gai enthusiastically interrupted.

Anko waved a dismissive hand, "It's nothing. Just some private business." Anko paused and gave Gai a piercing look. "Do you really want to know?" she asked slyly, grinning mischievously. To almost any other Konoha shinobi, or anyone that had the vaguest idea of who she was, it would have been an alarming sight that foretold of much pain, anguish, humiliation, and terror.

To Gai, it was the passionate, youthful smile of a promising young special jounin... in the springtime of her youth. "If it really is private, then there is no need to tell me," Gai replied gallantly.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!" Gai shouted, decking his disciple with a powerful right hook. The boy went flying, landed harshly, and skidded for more than ten feet before coming to a stop. Hinata whimpered fearfully.

Lee hopped to his feet and snapped to attention. "Forgive me, Gai-sensei!" he shouted, gushing passionate tears from his incredibly round, beady eyes.

"You fool!" Gai exploded with youthful fury. "It is impolite to interrupt the passionate conversations of others without just cause!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee whipped out a small note book—_Where does he keep that thing? _Anko wondered idly—and a pencil and began to furiously scribble notes. Mini-Gai paused, "What would be a just cause, Gai-sensei?"

"Lee," Gai said seriously, "I cannot tell you."

Lee looked horrified. "Gai-sensei…?" he breathed.

"You must find your own just causes," Gai announced sagely. His eyes glittered with the wisdom of a true martial arts master. "I can only guide to the right path. Only you can walk it."

Anko rolled her eyes. _He's so full of bullshit._

"Gai-sensei…!" Lee sobbed, awed at his sensei's wisdom.

"Now, Lee…" Gai spread his arms. Waves crashed against towering cliffs, a spray of salt water misting gently over Gai's head, and behind him loomed the molten setting sun, casting its warm, gentle rays over teacher and student. "I forgive you," Gai beamed, light reflecting blindingly off his polished smile.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Anko rubbed her temples. _At this rate, we're never going to get anywhere. These idiots are just too… _A devious plan formed. "Gai, you idiot!" Anko punched the jounin in the face. Gai flew backwards. The spandex-clad taijutsu master quickly recovered his feet.

Gai rubbed his aching jaw, "Anko, what…?"

"Fool!" Anko shouted, effectively silencing Gai, who could only stand gaping at Anko along with Hinata and Lee. "Didn't you just say it was rude to interrupt a conversation?" she demanded.

"Yes…" Gai agreed, bewildered.

"Take your own advice, idiot! Don't you think it's rude that you interrupted your own conversation with me?" Anko yelled, feeling incredibly stupid but hiding it behind a veil of "passion."

Gai's eyes widened. "You're right!" he shouted remorsefully, manly tears once again flowing like a river down his cheeks. "I'm such a fool!" he groaned and punched himself in the face.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee stepped forward, alarmed.

Anko clapped a hand down on his shoulder. Lee looked up at her, his big round eyes glistening. She gravely shook her head. _I can't believe I said that… I can't believe I'm doing this. _

"Lee," Gai said, on his feet once again, "take note of Anko's youthful wisdom. Occasionally, even I forget my youth. That's why it's important to have good comrades, to help you when you stray!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee nodded frantically, scribbling in his notebook.

"Remember this lesson: humans are all imperfect creatures. Always keep it in mind, so that you can prevent yourself from falling into hubris!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!"

"But don't let that stop you from seeking perfection! Always strive to be better than you are! You must always seek to better yourself!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!"

Anko shook her head. _He is _so _full of shit. _ Orochimaru's first apprentice considered that. _He's perfect. _

"Ano…" Hinata spoke, her voice so faint that Anko almost missed it. "Can I… leave now?"

"Gai!" Anko barked.

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee nodded knowingly as he copied down another precious gem of Gai-sensei's wisdom.

"Gai!" Anko shouted again, louder.

"Remember, Lee! Do not let your youthful passions blind you to…" Gai blinked as a kunai whizzed by, coming within an inch of slicing his nose off. "Anko?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee nodded sharply. _I see! I must not let my youthful passions blind me to… Anko? _"Gai-sensei, why would my youthful passions blind me to Anko-san?" he asked earnestly. Lee considered that. "And why is that a bad thing?" he asked after a beat.

_You little shit! _Anko thought furiously. _I'll skin your eyebrows off! _

Gai's laughter boomed throughout the training ground. "You're such a fool, Lee," he said fondly. "I said "Anko" because my youthful colleague was calling for my attention!"

"I see!" Lee smacked a fist into his open palm, understanding dawning upon him like the golden sunrise. "Gai-sensei, what were…?"

"Shut up!" Anko screamed furiously, at the end of her patience. Surprisingly, the dynamic duo complied. When the special jounin had gained control over her fury, she found the two looking at her with polite, calm regard. She took a deep breath and grabbed Hinata by the shoulders again, thrusting her forward.

"Eep!" Hinata voiced her consternation.

"Hinata has something to talk with you two about," Anko announced.

"No, I…!"

"I see! What does Neji's youthful cousin wish to speak with us about?"

"I don't…!"

"What is it, Hinata-san?" Lee asked, his very round, very sincere eyes focusing on the Hyuuga heiress.

"But, it's not…"

"Come on," Anko whispered encouragingly, "show me how it's done, boss!"

"I'm not…" Hinata's protest died in her throat. Her shoulders sagged miserably. _What's wrong with these people? _Hinata despaired. They hadn't heard a word she had said, and it didn't seem like they would be inclined to listen anytime soon.

Why was she here, anyway? Because Anko had gone nuts and decided that they should be out spreading the Word, and thus had come to her house and dragged her out of her room to do so? She didn't even know what Word the madwoman was talking about, or why it had to be capitalized! If that wasn't enough, Anko had seemingly decided at random that it had all been Hinata's idea. Where was the sense in that? Now the older woman was looking at her for guidance. For what, Hinata had no idea.

"Hinata?" Anko nudged. Hinata whimpered miserably and sank even further in on herself when she realized that they were all looking at her expectantly.

"Um… ano…" she twiddled her fingers anxiously.

"Go on!" Anko urged. "Tell them about Naruto!"

_Naruto? _Hinata blinked slowly. Was that what this was all about?

"Show them his glory!" the delusional woman whispered eagerly, watching the girl intently to "see how it was done."

Hinata considered "his glory." Soon enough, her face burned furiously as her blush overwhelmed her pale complexion. "Ano…" she bit her lip. She still didn't understand what was going on, but if they wanted her to talk about Naruto-kun…

"Go on! What youthful messages have you come to deliver?" Gai asked encouragingly, his hot-blooded youthfulness rousing his curiosity.

"Naruto-kun is… um…" What should she say? She wasn't a good speaker, and her mind seemed blank as she cast around for something to talk about. But her brain had been full of Naruto for years. She started speaking, only half-conscious of what she was saying. "…hard-working, and strong, and he never gives up! He fails sometimes, but he always gets up and tries again… No matter how hard it is for him, he always gets back up!"

"Oooohhh!" Lee interrupted with a passionate shout, clenching his fists, fire burning in his eyes. "Naruto-kun is truly a genius of hard work!"

"Yes," Gai agreed, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "his youth burns bright. Lee!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei?"

"Perhaps," Gai's voice became hushed as he came to a revelation. Lee leaned towards his teacher, eager to hear Gai-sensei's wisdom once more. "Perhaps he is your destined rival!" Gai boomed.

Lee reeled back, shocked. "Naruto-kun… my destined rival?" he wondered. He had always considered Neji to be his youthful rival. But… Naruto-kun _had_ beaten Neji before, and Naruto-kun was also a genius of hard work, just like himself. Could it be? Had he been mistaken all this time? "Gai-sensei… could it really be…?" Lee murmured, unable to voice his concerns.

"No!"

Konoha's Mighty—not to mention Passionate, Youthful, Dynamic, Hot-Blooded, and, of course, Beautiful—Green Beast the Elder and the Younger turned in surprise. Hinata's hands flew up to her mouth instinctively, mortified by her outburst. Then, slowly, she lowered her hands, bewildered. _I didn't say that. _"Anko-san…?" she ventured.

A scowl was etched into Anko's face. "You idiots…" she hissed angrily. "…blasphemers… heathens…" she muttered, incoherent with rage.

"What is it, Anko?" Gai asked, youthful concern for his comrade beaming out from under his massive eyebrows.

"What is it!?" she sputtered. "You…! You…! Hinata, tell them!"

"Eh?!" she squeaked fearfully. _She must want me to tell them more about Naruto-kun, _Hinata reasoned. "Ano… you see…" A confusing jumble of words tumbled out of her. Hinata grew more enthusiastic as she went, warming to her subject matter. That didn't make it any more coherent. Anko relaxed slowly as she listened to Hinata babble warmly about Naruto.

Hinata finished with a huff, her face flushed and her eyes bright. She felt warm all over. Talking about Naruto-kun so much, and in front of other people no less, felt odd… and also strangely exhilarating. It was as if she had gotten a huge weight off of her chest. Hinata looked up nervously, her shy smile fading as she caught sight of Gai and Lee's thunderous frowns.

After a moment, Lee spoke, his thick, caterpillar-like brows drawn together tightly, "Gai-sensei…"

"What is it, Lee?" Gai grunted.

"Was that…?"

Gai turned and looked down on his student with stern eyes. "What is it?"

"Gai-sensei," Lee scowled, "I don't understand what Hinata-san was talking about!"

Gai's fierce expression relaxed as stopped his frantic contemplation of the very same issue. "Do not worry, Lee!" Gai snapped into the "Nice Guy" pose. Light pinged audibly off his shining teeth.

"Gai-sensei…" Lee breathed happily, reassured by his teacher's words. He stopped worrying.

Gai turned to look at the once again frightened Hinata. "Hinata," Gai began gravely, "your words were very wise and youthful, not to mention extremely hip."

Hinata's mouth opened in surprise._ Is he… praising me? _Hinata wondered.

"Even my great rival, Kakashi, has never said anything quite so hip!" Gai announced grandly. She stepped back in fright as Gai suddenly appeared before her, having closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye. "Hinata," he spoke, pitching his voice low so that Lee could not hear him speak. Gai's mighty eyebrows scrunched together again as he frowned thoughtfully. "In truth, your hip, youthful words have confused me," he whispered quietly. "Could you explain it to me again?"

Anko scowled blackly at Gai. "Idiot!" she scoffed, irritated. "She said that Naruto is a god," Anko educated him, summarizing Hinata's rambling. Anko reached up and rubbed her neck. "_The _god," she corrected herself solemnly.

Gai's blank black eyes stared in bewilderment. "…What?" he asked doubtfully. "Even if Naruto is very youthful, I don't see how…"

"Kakashi thinks so," Anko said bluntly, lying through her teeth.

Gai's eyes widened. "My rival…?" he asked in a hushed voice. He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.

Anko knew Gai's weakness. Everyone who had ever been around Gai for more than five minutes knew exactly how to manipulate the fuzzy-browed jounin. "Yeah," she smirked. "In fact, I heard him talking about how many people he had convinced to believe in Naruto the other day," she said conspiratorially. For a moment she held a breath nervously, uncertain if Gai would buy it. Even an absolute idiot would have been able to see through her deception.

However, she wasn't dealing with an idiot. She was dealing with Maito Gai.

"All right!" Gai roared, on fire with hot-blooded youth and filled with the great, manly spirit of rivalry. "Watch out, Kakashi," he chortled. "If I can't get fifty… no, a hundred people to believe in Naruto by the end of the week, I'll fight a grizzly bear with my hands and feet tied up! You won't win this one, my rival!"

"Gai-sensei…?" Lee asked, still completely lost. "What are you talking about?"

Gai, too filled up with the flames of youth to hear his precious student, sprinted off towards the village. "For youth!" he shouted, leaping into the air. "Dynamic exit!" Gai disappeared into the trees.

"Gai-sensei!" his thick-browed, round-eyed student shouted worriedly. Lee rounded on Anko and Hinata. "What is he doing?!" he asked frantically. Gai-sensei had left him behind!

Anko giggled happily. Lee flinched at the disturbing sound. "He's going to spread the Word," Anko all but purred in satisfaction.

"What word?" Lee asked, more mystified than ever. "I don't understand."

Anko told him.

Lee shook his head. "Naruto-kun is…? That's crazy! Gai-sensei is…! Gai-sensei is…!" Lee tensed, about to run off and stop his sensei from making a terrible mistake.

"Neji believes in it," Anko said nonchalantly. Lee stiffened. _I've got him, _Anko thought gleefully. Really, it was almost too easy. "In fact, that's why he left," the special jounin informed Lee, making stuff up as she went along.

"Neji did?"

"Yup," she nodded. "He went off to spread the good news. In fact," Anko leaned forward, her voice lowering conspiratorially for the second time in the past five minutes, "before he left, I heard him say that…"

"What!?" Lee yelled passionately. He shook his fist at the sky, "I won't lose to you, Neji!" Lee took off running, "Wait for me, Gai-sensei!"

Anko doubled over in uncontrollable laughter. "I can't believe they bought it," she wheezed. "They think that Kakashi is…! That Neji…!" Anko toppled, clutching her sides at the thought of the arrogant, sharp-eyed Hyuuga prodigy wandering the wilderness, preaching wherever he went.

Beside her, Hinata shuffled awkwardly, her eyes darting around shiftily.

* * *

**T**_husly did the ministry of Gai the Youthful begin. In his wake stood Rock Lee, ever learning, ever hard-working, studying for when the time came to take up the mantle as one of our Lord's great disciples, to go forth and impart the passion to those who lacked…_

* * *

"**H**anabi."

She kept her eyes cast down, performing a fluid bow from _seiza_—not a comfortable feat with the way her kimono, already tight, constricted her chest further. "Yes, Father?" Hanabi asked once the ritual formalities were done with, no trace of her discomfort showing.

Hiashi took a long sip of tea, which seemed to be ever present wherever her father was nowadays, and stared out the window with a far-seeing gaze. "Hinata…" he said finally, trailing off.

Hanabi waited patiently for him to continue. Eventually, she prompted, "Hinata, Father?"

A faint sigh came from her father, so slight that she nearly missed it. Her father's lavender eyes turned to regard her, "What has Hinata been doing lately?"

She blinked, unable to hide her surprise. _Why is Father asking me? _Surely the head of the Hyuuga clan had eyes and ears aplenty to keep track of his eldest daughter. Hanabi hesitated. What had Hinata been doing lately?

Hanabi searched her memories, trying to recall any unusual behavior from her sister. Hinata was behaving strangely, if her father's question was any indication. That was nothing new. Hinata was timid, shy, meek, and talentless. To the Hyuuga, she was practically an alien—indeed, when she was four, Hanabi had harbored a horrible suspicion that her older sister had been killed and replaced by an alien wearing Hinata's skin. How could she to tell what was new strangeness and what was just Hinata's traditional weirdness?

"I… don't know, Father," Hanabi admitted, feeling a faint sense of shame at that admission. What kind of shinobi was she—never mind that she hadn't graduated the Academy yet—if she couldn't even keep track of her own sister?

But Hiashi, unusually, did not rebuke her. Instead, he simply sighed again and nodded slowly. "And you, Hanabi? Are you doing well?

"Yes, Father," she answered promptly.

"I see."

Hanabi waited patiently, wondering what he was leading up to. Why had he called her?

"You may go," Hiashi said after a long pause. He turned his attention back to the window, gazing thoughtfully at the birds wheeling in the sky.

She bowed again, rose, and backed out of the room.

Hanabi sighed as she entered the comfort of her own room, mercifully free from the eyes of her clan. Getting out of her kimono was a chore, as was meticulously folding it afterwards, but the sweet feeling of freedom in her limbs was worth it. When she was finally dressed in more casual clothes, Hanabi allowed herself the indulgence of flopping down on her bed.

What had been the point of that meeting?

Her father had asked her two simple questions, both of which he could have asked at any time. So why had he worded his summons in such a formal manner? Had he been testing her?

She frowned thoughtfully. No matter how she looked at it, the reason he had called her had to do with Hinata. Her older sister was apparently acting strangely, and Father had wanted to know if she knew why.

Hanabi sat up. Was that it? Had her father been telling her to look into Hinata's activities?

She nodded slowly. That had to be it. She couldn't think of any other reason behind their short meeting. The only thing that stumped her was why he would have her do such a thing. The Hyuuga possessed formidable intelligence gathering capabilities, and she wasn't too proud to admit that she was hardly fully trained.

Further contemplation yielded no answers. Hanabi eventually shrugged, deciding that there was simply some lesson he expected her to learn from it all.

It wasn't hard to track down Hinata. The strange woman she had left with earlier in the day was quite unique, and it was relatively easy for Hanabi to follow their trail just by asking around. Whatever Hinata was up to, she wasn't trying to be stealthy, but the trail she left bewildered Hanabi.

The cheap ramen stand was odd, but understandable. Presumably Hinata and her acquaintance had been hungry, though from what Hanabi could gather they had spent an inordinate amount of time there. Then their path had taken them to the Academy, for no particular reason Hanabi could see. After that came the Hokage Monument, and then a run-down apartment building.

Hanabi finally caught up to her older sister in one of Konoha's many training areas. Hinata, that strange Anko woman, and two green spandex clad figures Hanabi vaguely recognized as Neji's teammates based on the descriptions she had heard were standing together, talking.

She barely had time to activate her Byakugan and begin to read lips when the taller green man abruptly exploded into motion, sprinting straight towards her.

"Eep!" Hanabi squea—voiced her surprise, proving that she did indeed share the same genes as Hinata.

Hanabi did the only sensible thing she could do in such a situation; she turned and fled. Even so, the strangely dressed shinobi that was Neji's former jounin-sensei barreled towards her, a fierce expression on his face. Of course, her Byakugan also allowed her to see the way those huge… _things_ that took the place of his eyebrows scrunched together. The sight evoked a strange blend of terror and fascination within her, which was why she wasn't paying as much attention to her footing as she should have been.

She stumbled, losing her footing. Momentum carried her forward off the tree limb and gravity took things from there. Hanabi could only stare numbly at the onrushing ground, unable to process what was happening to her. Then, suddenly, she was caught in strong arms. The unpleasant smell of sweat filled her delicate nostrils.

"That was dangerous," Maito Gai scolded as he set her down on the ground. "What were you doing up there?"

Hanabi swallowed, "I…"

Gai peered at her more closely. "A Hyuuga!" he exclaimed, pounding a fist into an open palm. Abruptly he started to chuckle. "I see," he nodded, holding his square chin with his thumb and forefinger.

_What does he see? _Hanabi wondered, dazed by the strange turn of events.

"That Neji…" he shook his head fondly. "He must have sent you to me for training!" Gai shouted, causing Hanabi to flinch back.

"What-?" Hanabi could only wonder how he could have possibly come to that conclusion. Neji had been missing for nearly a year; there was no way he even could do such a thing.

"Hmm…" Gai's brows came down as he frowned thoughtfully and rubbed his chin. "I don't have much time for training today," he muttered, "but…"

Hanabi knew she had to put a stop to this before the bizarre man could make more strange assumptions. "I was just looking for my sister," she said forcefully.

Gai blinked and looked at her. "Your sister?" he asked.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she supplied. She hesitated, "…What did she need to speak to you about?"

"That's right! I can't believe I got side-tracked! I must…!" Gai trailed off, looking intently at the young girl before him. "Do you know Uzumaki Naruto?"

Hanabi stared, nonplussed. "I know of him," she acknowledged. How could she not? The genin that had beat Neji, one of the most gifted Hyuuga in generations, was well known by her clan. But what did that have to do with anything?

She could practically see the gears turning behind his dark eyes. His lips pulled back in a grin, revealing incredibly bright white teeth. A deep chuckle once again emerged from his chest. "Kakashi…" he murmured gleefully, "your lead won't last for long."

Hanabi scowled. Was he ignoring her? "I was asking about my sister," she said sharply.

"Indeed!" Gai boomed, his teeth glittering as they caught a stray ray of light. "But, before that…" he was at her side in an instant. Hanabi flinched back, but Gai put a hand on one of her slender shoulders and started walking, his firm grip dragging her along with him.

"Hey!" she protested somewhat fearfully, unable to escape his iron grip.

"Tell me," Gai said conversationally, "what do you think of Naruto?"

* * *

**H**er older sister was a cultist.

It had all become clear to Hanabi after her "talk" with Maito Gai. She had stumbled upon something incredibly dangerous, something Hinata was up to her neck in. Hanabi was sure that if she hadn't told the crazy green-clad jounin that he had convinced her to join his cult she would be feeding the worms rather than making her way back to the Hyuuga compound. The maniac glitter in his eyes had told her that much.

She had to tell her father about Hinata. No doubt he would know what to do about it. If Hinata had fallen victim to a cult, then…

Hanabi stopped abruptly. Her father… could this be what he had wanted her to find out? If she could find out so easily, there was no doubt in her mind that he already knew. But then… why had he sent her? Why hadn't he done anything already?

Hanabi put a hand against a nearby tree and leaned against it. _What is going on? _There were too many layers for her to grasp the situation fully.

In the first place, how could there possibly be a cult centered on a Konoha ninja, much less a genin like Naruto? Everything she had ever heard about him said that the general attitude towards him was less than reverent. Had he fooled everyone? Was he really a charismatic con-man, a cult mastermind gathering and brainwashing followers for some sinister purpose?

_Or, _Hanabi thought, _there's something else going on here. _

The more she thought about it, the more sure she became. There was something beneath it all, something that was keeping her father from moving. A single cult mastermind was a simple matter for the Hyuuga clan's leader. Hiashi could simply have Naruto quietly assassinated. Since he hadn't, that meant that the matter wasn't so simple.

_But… why me? _

Why had her father pointed her in this direction? It made no sense to her.

_What do I do? _If she went back to her father now, with no information except what he surely already knew…

She could not do that. Her pride would not allow it. Her father had high expectations for her, and she would not let him down. But what could she do? The only way to get more information was to infiltrate the cult, to gather information from the inside…

Hanabi's pale eyes widened. Was that the answer? Was that why her father had sent her? Her eyes narrowed again.

She would not let her father or the clan down. She would "join" the strange cult Hinata had fallen in with and make herself valuable to them. Once she had their trust, she could gain access to their secrets, just as Father had intended for her to do.

Her decision made, Hanabi turned on her heel and headed back the way she had came. She had a job to do.

The only problem was that there was nobody at the training ground when she returned. Hanabi frowned, wondering about her next move. Approaching Hinata was out of the question; her sister, unlike the rest of the cultists, would probably see through her front. That left the other three she had seen with Hinata, but she had no real idea how to find any of them.

A longsuffering sigh escaped her. It looked like she would have to do more investigative work.

Hanabi began by retracing Hinata's steps earlier in the day, reasoning that the random locations she had visited had to have some sort of meaning within the cult. The Hokage Monument yielded no clues, nor did the meaning of the apartment building become apparent to her. The Academy held nothing of interest for her, and she would have plenty of time to investigate it later once classes resumed. By the time she made it to the ramen stand, frustration was burning like acid in her chest and hunger growled in her stomach like a rabid dog.

Perhaps because of that, Hanabi decided to sit down and order a bowl of ramen instead of simply investigating the stall and heading on her way.

"Right away," the brown-haired girl, apparently the cook's assistant, said cheerfully once Hanabi had placed her order. As the wrinkled cook began to work, the young woman leaned over the counter towards Hanabi. "You're a Hyuuga, right?" she asked.

Hanabi nodded, eyeing the waitress suspiciously.

"How are you related to Hinata-chan?"

"I am her little sister," Hanabi said coolly. If the waitress tried to refer to her so casually, she'd…

Brown eyes widened in pleasant surprise. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "Really?"

Reluctantly, Hanabi nodded again.

The young woman clapped her hands together delightedly. "I thought so!" she beamed. "I mean, you both look alike!" Hanabi's eyebrows twitchedat the inanity of that comment. "So do you like ramen too?"

_I'd like it if you would stop talking to me. _"It is acceptable," Hanabi said indifferently.

"Just acceptable? Then…" she paused coyly, "…maybe you come here for the same reason as your older sister?"

Hanabi started in her seat and looked up sharply at the ramen waitress.

"Bingo, huh?" she smiled knowingly. "I never knew that Naruto-kun would grow up to be such a heartbreaker."

Hanabi had to restrain herself from denying it. She finally had a lead. Somehow, Uzumaki, the ramen stand, and the cult were connected. "What does coming here have to do with… Naruto…" bile rose in her throat, "…niichan?"

"You don't know?" the young woman asked skeptically. "This is Naruto-kun's favorite place in Konoha!"

It hit her like a bolt of lightning. _This is it! This is how I can make myself valuable to them! _

It all made sense now. The ramen stand, the apartment building, the Academy, the monument… if they really believed that Uzumaki was a god, then all of those places must have been significant to them. This ramen stand was a holy place to them.

A small, satisfied smile appeared on Hanabi's face.

She had finally found a way to get into the cult's good graces.

After all, holy places needed shrines, right?

* * *

_**A**__nd from the house of the farsighted came forth another daughter thirsting for the broth of His Word. Her ears heard the call to duty, her eyes saw what must be done, and her tongue tasted His providence. Thus were the flagstones of His house laid._

* * *

**T**hings had gone to hell quickly enough. The impending feeling of doom that had hung over Naruto's head like a grim thunderstorm rumbling with wrath had manifested not, as Naruto had feared, in Mitsuki's flirtations, but in an a single innocent comment made by a girl too happy to know better.

Who could blame Chiaki if, flush from consummating her love for Naruto, she had declared that she had found the man she was going to marry? Naruto could, for one. Unfortunately, the daimyo had been more inclined to blame Naruto. Mitsuki, looking extremely put out with him, had thrown fuel on the fire and asked about the condition of Chiaki's maidenhood.

Then came the prison cell and the frothing father and the threats about putting his head on a pike, just as Naruto had dreaded.

Spending the night in a tiny, dank, drafty prison cell was unpleasant even in the best of times. Unfortunately for Naruto, it was hardly the best of times. It was, in fact, very far from being the best of times. Having an enraged father, who happened to be a feudal lord with an army and a major shinobi village behind, sitting outside his cell, playing with jeweled—and apparently very sharp—knife while eyeing him darkly tended to preclude that.

So did the knowledge that even if he survived the night with his life—and his own personal jewels—intact, he wouldn't last much longer. Iwato, the highest authority in Tsuchi no Kuni, had made that point very clear.

Because he was an optimist at heart, Naruto had harbored a faint spark of hope in his chest even then. He would reason with the daimyo, and, if necessary, take responsibility for his actions. Naruto spent what felt like hours talking in his very first session of "high level diplomatic negotiations," which largely consisted of him pleading for mercy and swearing up and down that he would take responsibility.

Naruto had no idea exactly what that entailed, but he had been around Ero-sennin long enough to know that it was the appropriate thing to say.

Eventually, the daimyo stopped fingering his knife. "You will really take responsibility?" Iwato asked suspiciously.

"Of course!" Naruto nodded vigorously, relieved that his arguments finally seemed to be getting through to the angry father. "I don't go back on my word!"

The daimyo grunted thoughtfully, visibly torn.

Sweat trickled down Naruto's brow. He was close to winning his life back; he could feel it. _Just a little more_, he thought desperately, his mind working frantically to find the words that would earn his freedom.

His mind remained blank. He had never been in a situation even comparable before, and he had absolutely no idea what to say or do. He had never even heard of anyone dealing with a similar situation, except in Jiraiya's dirty books.

Naruto's desperate mind froze.

"I'm sorry," he blurted.

Iwato's head jerked up, "What?"

"I know what I did was unforgivable," Naruto continued, his memory dredging up lines from Icha-Icha Tactics. Jiraiya's "no one under eighteen" rule did not apply to his apprentice, as Naruto had found out. In reality, it was practically mandatory for him to read Jiraiya's smut whenever the giant pervert wanted him to. "But I couldn't help myself…"

The daimyo's face purpled with rage.

"…because I love your daughter so much!" Naruto hastily continued, his mouth working on auto-pilot. "I… uh…" Naruto grimaced anxiously. _What came after that? _"Um…"

"Did you… did you mean it?" Chiaki's voice, soft and quavering with emotion, filled the room.

Iwato stood. "Chiaki! You shouldn't be in here!"

"I'm sorry, Father, but I…" she swallowed, her glistening purple eyes focused on Naruto. "Did you mean it?" she asked again.

"Err…" Naruto said eloquently. Icha-Icha Tactics told him to say yes. Naruto's conscience, however, kept his mouth sealed. Telling her angry, knife-wielding father that he loved her was one thing. Lying to the girl's face, which was filled with such delicate hope, was much harder.

_Would it really be a lie? _Naruto wondered. The time they had spent together in that secluded glade was indelibly burned into his memory. He couldn't deny that he felt… something… for her.

Was that love?

"I…" Naruto gulped. "I…" He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, searching within himself for the answer.

When he opened his eyes again, his expression was clear and firm. "Chiaki, I…"

"I've come to get you, Naruto!"

"Eh?" was all he had time to get out before a massive tongue punched through the wall and wrapped around his midsection with bruising force. He was promptly yanked backwards.

Sometimes, he wondered if it was all worth it. He was training his ass off and wandering like a vagabond in the company of Ero-sennin, and all for what? To gain strength? To drag Sasuke back to Konoha? To learn how to protect himself from Akatsuki?

Why? What had he done to deserve it all?

He doubted that Sasuke had to deal with half the crap he did, even if the bastard was in Orochimaru's disgusting clutches.

_Ero-sennin has the worst timing, _Naruto thought bitterly, just before the back of his skull collided with unbroken stone on his way out.

* * *

**W**ithin the underground complex that was the Hidden Sound, well-lit rooms were something of a rarity. There were many reasons for this. One theory was that because shadows were a shinobi's natural habitat, Orochimaru liked to keep things dim in order to foster the proper mindset within his subordinates. Others theorized that it was about symbolism, that the darkness of Otogakure reflected the darkness of Orochimaru's mind and soul. A daring few ventured that it was kept dark and dim in order to hide the fact that the floors were _purple._

The real reason, known only to a few, was that electricity was expensive. So was buying the amount of candles needed to keep the vast labyrinths Orochimaru called home lit, but at least that didn't require electricians and power lines and the rewiring of the Hidden Sound—and, god forbid, monthly electric bills. Orochimaru was cheap, and he hadn't exactly made provisions for electrical wiring while he had been designing his forbidding lair.

Uchiha Sasuke's private room was one of the few rooms that could boast about being well-lit. The fluorescent lighting in his room was powered by one of the few generators in the village. It had been one of his early demands, aside from training, power, and a full-length mirror.

Sasuke liked mirrors.

He stood in front of his grand, full-length mirror, practicing as he did every day. His face gave no sign of the massive amounts of concentration going on in his mind as his stare bored intensely into the dark eyes of his mirror-self. Sasuke's expression remained flat and stern, as if his face were carved from granite. Eventually, his hour of practice complete, Sasuke allowed his expression to relax.

A small smirk of satisfaction curled his lips upward for a brief moment. He was getting close; he could feel it. Soon… soon he would obtain an infuriating mask of calm superiority that could not be shaken, just like _that _man's expression.

No. It would be even _better_ than _that _man's expressionless mask.

Then Itachi would be the one writhing with frustration on the inside, when Sasuke stood gloating above him without appearing to gloat or have any speck of emotion whatsoever.

_That_ would show _him_.

Sasuke resisted the urge to rub his hands together in glee, and instead headed to his closet—a walk-in, of course, complete with its own set of tracked lighting and another, slightly smaller mirror—and picked up a box from within. He opened the lid reverently and set it aside gently as he beheld the box's contents. Orochimaru's student reached into the box and lifted the top part of his new outfit out of the box, his thumbs rubbing the soft, masterfully woven material as he did so.

Slowly, carefully, he laid the outfit out. When he was done, he stepped back and admired it.

It was glorious, just as he had intended it to be. It had been worth it to hunt for the famed seamstress of Lightning Country, Akiko of the Ten Threads. Too bad he would have to kill her to ensure that she would never produce another outfit to equal the one before him, but true quality had to be paid for.

Sasuke took a moment to appreciate her handiwork, his hands rubbing the long purple rope, checking the seams of the black pants, and turning over the top to ensure that the Uchiha fan had been faithfully sewed on. When he was satisfied, he began to dawn his new outfit.

Measured steps took him back out of his closet to stand in front of his big mirror. Sasuke studied himself critically. After several moments, he pulled his shirt open further and adjusted the rope around his waist several times to ensure that his Kusanagi blade didn't dig into his back. Finally satisfied, Sasuke posed.

_Yes… It's perfect… _

He looked immensely handsome, dangerous, and, dare he say it… swashbuckling.

Once upon a time, Uchiha Mikoto had read her youngest child bedtime stories. Back when he had still been an impressionable youngster surrounded by the warmth and greatness of his family, the Uchiha, Sasuke had liked bedtime stories. He had particularly enjoyed stories about pirates.

Sasuke liked pirates.

This was, of course, a very strange predilection that Mikoto had done her best to discourage. Unfortunately, Itachi had slaughtered his family before she could finish the job. Thus, Sasuke had never quite gained an understanding about his uniqueness in the shinobi world. He did know that he had been a… special… child, but he had no true idea why, despite his own theories on the matter.

Uchiha Sasuke was a ninja born to a ninja clan. He just happened to like pirates. It had never been properly explained to him that pirates were the mortal enemies of ninja… aside from other ninja and the occasional hundred-meter tall tailed beast, that is.

Orochimaru had thought to educate him about the matter, but his own fondness for zombies—another mortal enemy of any right-thinking ninja—convinced him that he shouldn't be the one to point fingers about Sasuke's strange hobbies.

It was Sasuke's fondness for swashbuckling and pirates that drove him to seek out Akiko of the Ten Threads, kidnap her family, and force her to create his dream outfit—a fusion of Uchiha ninja sensibilities and what Sasuke imagined was what passed for fashion among pirates.

The pants were dark and ninja-like, but baggy enough that he could imagine them as puffy pirate pants in a pinch… because everyone knew that proper pirates wore puffy pants. The top did an excellent job of baring his chest in a dashing manner. The long, thick purple rope curled around his waist didn't really fit, but at least it would shut up Orochimaru's nagging about "proper" apparel. Besides, it did a serviceable job of holding the Kusanagi at a rakish angle and keeping the blue haori—because his mother would have scolded him if he hadn't at least kept something warm on his person—attached to his waist.

All in all, it was perfect. Sure, he was missing the eye patch, but he couldn't possibly hinder his Sharingan in such a manner. Okay, so the Kusanagi wasn't a proper pirate saber, but he hadn't been able to find such a weapon anyway. He did regret not being able to find a parrot, but Orochimaru wouldn't let him range far enough south to get his hands on one and no amount of cajoling had convinced Kabuto to try his hand at building a mechanical one. The peg leg or the hook… those, he didn't regret at all. Even he wasn't willing to go _that_ far.

Maybe it wasn't perfect, but…

Sasuke posed again, admiring himself in the mirror.

It would definitely do.

It really was too bad about the robot parrot though.

* * *

**I**t was an odd site for a secret base. The enormous, dank, dark cave was situated at water level with the great river that gave River Country its name. A huge round boulder and a red _torii _gate marked its front entrance—hardly very inconspicuous, but then again no one had found Akatsuki's secret base yet. Within the damp, pitch black cave stood ten dark-cloaked, ominous figures. They were all fearsome S-ranked criminals, these formidable members of Akatsuki. They had to be, for their goal was to obtain all nine mighty tailed beasts and obtain everything in the world. Between them all was enough power to topple nations, should they work in concert. And now… now they had gathered to admit another grim, powerful member into their ranks.

Too bad none of them could see in the lightless environment of the cave.

"Light a fire," Pein, the man who had never been defeated in battle, the great Leader of the Akatsuki, barked irritably.

The interior of the cave turned into a massive, fiery inferno as several fearsome S-ranked shinobi unleashed several mighty Katon techniques simultaneously. When the dust had cleared and all ten cloaked figures had returned from their safe perches near the entrance of the cave to the scorched center, where a small, flickering fire still burned cheerfully—throwing ominous shadows throughout the cave—Pein cleared his throat.

"I called you here today to introduce you to our newest member," he announced in a loud, ringing voice.

There was a rustle as one of the dark figures stepped into the center of their little circle. "My name is… Tobi," the mysterious orange-masked ninja introduced himself, power and authority ringing in his voice. "It is a pleasure to meet you all," he continued politely. "Please take care of me." Introductions complete, he stepped back.

Pein shot a quick, nervous glance at the strange shinobi. He may have been the Leader of the Akatsuki, but the shadowy masked figure to his right stood above even him. When the man, "Tobi," had demanded to be introduced into Akatsuki as a junior member, Pein had had no choice but to comply.

"We don't have another ring for him, _un_," Deidara pointed out to Pein.

There was a pause as they considered that. "You don't plan on trying to make one of us give up ours, do you?" Kakuzu asked ominously.

"Of course not," Pein reassured them. "Tobi is simply a junior member, unless an opening opens up within our ranks," the last was said with a flash of killing intent, just to remind them who was boss. They settled down.

"Is that it?" Sasori asked, his gruff voice irritated.

"Yes."

The meeting was over. The ten dispersed.

Ten minutes later, Uchiha Itachi stood amidst the woods that grew on the river's bank, staring impassively at Tobi.

Kisame bared his razor-sharp teeth in a semblance of a grin. "Do you need something?" the swordsman asked politely, though his voice carried an undercurrent of bloodthirsty glee.

"You have grown greatly," Tobi said abruptly, sounding oddly pleased, as he regarded Itachi. "Your eyes… they are truly formidable."

The aforementioned eyes narrowed slightly, "You have some business with me?"

"Do you know who I am?" Tobi asked.

Itachi said nothing.

A deep, sinister chuckle rumbled out of Tobi. "My power…" he hissed, "Uchiha Madara's power…"

Abruptly, he stiffened, letting out a gasping choke.

Kisame stared curiously. He turned to his partner as realization hit him. "Itachi-san, don't you think it's a little impolite to use your Tsukiyomi on a comrade?" Kisame asked, trying to contain his amused chortles.

The Mangekyou Sharingan spun for several more seconds before fading into black. Itachi gave Kisame a single dismissive glance and strode forward. He came to a stop over the convulsing, fetal form of Tobi and glared down at the masked ninja. "Fool," Itachi pronounced grimly. "You cannot possibly be an Uchiha."

"Why… not?" Tobi rasped.

Itachi's eyes widened slightly in surprise, "You are formidable, to be able to withstand the Tsukiyomi once." With that said, Itachi's eyes morphed red again.

"Wait…!" Tobi gasped. His spine arched as Itachi's technique took hold.

Itachi's eyelids trembled as he glared downward. For a moment, he stood and waited to see if Tobi would recover.

"I…" Tobi grunted, trying to push himself back up to his feet, "…am…Uchiha…"

He crumpled as he met Itachi's eyes for the third time. When the twitching, prone ninja did not speak again, Itachi released the ultimate form of the Sharingan. He swayed slightly, fighting exhaustion.

"Itachi-san, once is impolite, but three times? That's just cruel of you," Kisame spoke up.

"You cannot possibly be an Uchiha," Itachi repeated tonelessly, ignoring Kisame as usual. "I killed them all, except for my unsightly little brother." Itachi stepped over Tobi's still quivering body and began walking away. Uchiha Itachi stopped and turned his head slightly, "Besides, no Uchiha would ever wear _orange._"

Twenty minutes later, Pein and his blue-haired companion stood over the fallen form of their shadowy leader, staring in shock. "What sort of monster could have done this?" the kunoichi asked, horrified. Both of them were familiar with the power that the masked ninja wielded.

Pein shook his head, knelt, and tried to rouse "Tobi" from his comatose state. It took them quite some time, but they finally succeeded. Pein wordlessly helped Tobi to his feet. Tobi placed a black-gloved hand against his swirly orange mask and groaned.

"What… who… am I?" he looked around in confusion.

Pein stared in surprise. "You… don't remember?"

"Who are you?"

"My name is Pein," he replied cautiously. "Your name is," he hesitated, "…Tobi."

"Tobi," Tobi said slowly, thoughtfully, as if tasting the word. "Tobi is…" he paused and looked at Pein again. "What is Tobi?"

"You are Tobi," Pein repeated.

"No," Tobi shook his head, "what _is _Tobi?"

_Is he talking in third-person? _Pein wondered bemusedly. "Tobi is a ninja," he answered slowly.

"Tobi is a ninja," Tobi nodded. He hesitated, "…A good ninja?"

Pein and Konan shared a glance. "Yes," murmured the woman. "Tobi is a good ninja."

"Tobi is a good ninja," Tobi repeated, something like satisfaction in his voice. "Tobi is…" he trailed off, clutching his head. He groaned. When he straightened, he was shivering, as if fighting off a dark, painful memory. "Tobi isn't… a bad boy," Tobi whimpered. That's right. He wasn't a bad boy. Only bad boys got punished. Only bad boys saw those awful red things and got stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed…

"No," Pein agreed almost fearfully. Who knew how dangerous his leader would be if he were mentally unstable? It was better to just agree with everything Tobi said.

"Tobi is a good boy," Konan said soothingly. Apparently, she had the same idea.

Tobi slowly straightened. "Tobi is… a good boy?" he asked, hope suffusing his voice.

"Yes," Pein said quickly. His companion nodded emphatically.

"Tobi is a good boy…" Tobi murmured. The ache in his head receded. A happy, childlike grin crossed his face, concealed by the mask. The pain was gone! Good boys didn't hurt! "Tobi is a good boy!" he exclaimed enthusiastically.

* * *

**I**t had been a very near thing, but they had finally lost their pursuers.

For once, Naruto couldn't claim that it was Ero-sennin's fault, which kind of stung when he thought about it. Jiraiya's knowing grin and elbow nudges at inopportune times didn't help alleviate that feeling.

The duo had played a long game of cat and mouse with Iwa-nin as they fled from the Country of Earth. Eventually, the mouse had gotten away—or perhaps they were the cat, given Jiraiya's presence. Either way, Naruto had escaped from death or marriage.

Master and apprentice found themselves wandering across the border to the Country of Lightning soon after, since it was about as far as away from Earth Country as they could get without hopping on a boat.

"Where are we going?" Naruto demanded.

Jiraiya shrugged. "We'll stop at the next town," he decided. Hopefully, there would be hot chicks there. If not, they would move on the next day. If Jiraiya had any sort of destination plan as he traveled with Naruto, it would have been easily summarized by the words "hot chicks," though in a pinch "big breasts" or "beautiful women" or even simply "naked girls" would have done just as well.

"That's great," Naruto said. "Where's the next town?"

An awkward silence, akin to those where two people realize that no, the other person is not in fact navigating, fell upon them.

"Shit," spoke the Toad Sage of Mount Myouboku.

Naruto groaned in disgust.

After confirming that neither of them had a legible map of Lightning Country—though Jiraiya did have a rather nifty illustration of a woman with a map painted on her chest—they spent several hours trying to find a road. They gave up once the sun began sinking below the horizon and settled for finding a reasonably dry and safe place to sleep instead.

Luckily, finding a decent campsite in whatever part of the wilderness they had wandered into was far easier than finding a major road. Dinner was even simpler; not because game was abundant, but because they still had leftover beef jerky from their last supply stop.

Once their sparse dinner had been demolished, Jiraiya broke out his current manuscript and began scribbling away, occasionally chuckling as he worked. Naruto's imagination was a potent thing, but he had more than met his match in Jiraiya. He had never met anyone with such an endless talent for keeping himself amused.

Naruto did not appreciate it one bit, mostly because it meant that Jiraiya was rarely more inclined to devote time on training him than on peeping, daydreaming, or whatever the hell it was that the stupid super pervert was doing.

"Ero-sennin," he said impatiently, "let's train!"

Jiraiya didn't bother to look up, instead making shooing motions with his left hand. "Go practice the Rasengan some more."

"I already mastered that," Naruto retorted angrily. "Teach me something new!"

His teacher looked up. "Mastered?" he echoed.

Naruto folded his arms, "Yeah!"

Jiraiya snorted, shaking his head.

"What?"

"You're a long way from mastering the Rasengan, brat. Now go practice."

A furious retort welled up in Naruto's throat. He swallowed it and turned, stalking off away from Jiraiya.

_But… what did he mean? _Was there more to the Rasengan? The more he thought about it, the more irritated he became. If there was more, why couldn't Ero-sennin just say so? How was he supposed to know what to do if the stupid Toad Hermit wouldn't teach him?

He spent hours practicing the Rasengan while his mind mulled over the problem Jiraiya had set for him. The Rasengan was already an incredibly powerful, versatile technique. How could he improve on that?

Training came to a standstill when Naruto's imagination took flight. The true final form of the Rasengan… it had to be something totally awesome.

For once, Naruto was eager to finish training and go to sleep. He was sure that his dreams would be filled with ideas about the final form of his ultimate, one-hit deathblow technique.

He was, of course, entirely correct.

Naruto's dreams were indeed filled with awesome visions of mountains blowing up and seas splitting in two. There was a sufficiently diabolical villain as well, and an inspiring ultimate technique with an appropriately cool catch-phrase. There were also princesses to be saved, but that was to be expected because in his dreams Naruto was always an awesome shinobi.

All in all, he would rate it as one of his most epic dreams ever.

Then he woke up and forgot about the whole thing, which was unfortunate for the world because, as they say, the devil is in the details.

But Naruto made no attempt to grasp at the threads of his dreams, which retreated from his mind like dissipating smoke. He was too busy watching the unfamiliar person sitting at their fire with a bemused gaze. Jiraiya sat opposite to the long-haired, platinum blond stranger, talking smoothly in the tone of voice he always used when he was flirting.

"Ero-sennin," Naruto interrupted his teacher without a second thought, "who's this?" Their guest was a shinobi, from Kumo if the head-band was correct. _Someone Ero-sennin knows? _

"You're up," Jiraiya said. "Good. That'll save us some time. This person has agreed to show us to the next village. Her name is…"

"Nii Yugito," the woman's voice, cool as ice, cut it. Her slanted grey eyes never left Jiraiya's casually lounging form.

"You're a girl!" Naruto blurted, obviously surprised.

A pale, arched eyebrow twitched.

"Geeze," Naruto muttered. "That's the second time…"

For the first time, she looked at Naruto. A lesser man, or a much more observant one, might have shivered when seeing the smoldering rage in her eyes. "The second time… what?" she asked silkily, like a knife tenderly caressing soft, vulnerable flesh.

Naruto, predictably, didn't even notice. Nor did he see the increasingly frantic gestures his mentor was giving him. "The second time I thought someone was another gender," he answered blithely. "Although the other time it was a guy that I thought was a girl."

There was a strange heat radiating from Naruto's new acquaintance. The air around her was shimmering strangely, almost like the distortion he sometimes saw on the horizon on baking hot summer days. "So," her jaw worked tightly, "you thought I was a man?"

There are times in any young man's life when his mouth runs ahead of his brain.

"Well, yeah," Naruto said, his tone making it clear that he was spelling out the obvious.

Breath hissed between clenched teeth, "I… see…" Yugito's eyelids squeezed tightly shut, all her will being bent in a mighty effort to calm herself.

There were many times in Naruto's life when his upbringing, or lack thereof, stunted his social interactions. Among the things he had never learned, tact and the ability to accurately discern the impact of the words that gushed out of his mouth like water from a hose—or sewage from a backed up sewage pipe, depending on who you asked—tended to cause him the most harm.

While those problems could have been greatly mitigated by some forethought on Naruto's part, no respected authority figure had ever tried to teach Naruto the true value of thinking before speaking until it was far, far too late.

"I'm sorry," Naruto gasped in realization at the expression on her face. "You didn't know?" He felt horrible. _All this time, she's gone through life without realizing that she looks like a man. _It was bad luck that he had to be the one to tell her, but he couldn't let her live a lie anymore. "I mean, your hips and your waist are almost the same size, and your face is pretty masculine, and your chest… You never realized you looked so… manly…?" he trailed off incredulously.

There are times in any young man's life when his mouth runs ahead of his brain. Most of Uzumaki Naruto's life could be correctly described as "those times." The consequences of this varied, but they were rarely pleasant. Despite that, he hadn't learned his lesson.

"Don't worry though," Naruto said, trying to cheer up the obviously crushed woman. "I'm sure a manly girl like you still has some feminine points…" he trailed off thoughtfully, glancing over her again. "Somewhere," he amended doubtfully.

A mournful, unearthly moaning noise filled his ears. In the distance, a massive cat was roaring.

"Hey!" Naruto said brightly. "I've got this awesome jutsu I can teach you that'll let you look like a sexy woman sometimes!"

The giant, fiery ghost cat-thing was Naruto's first indication that he might have said the wrong thing. He had no time to dwell on that any further though, since it shrieked eerily—boy, did that hurt his eardrums—promptly tried to bite him in half.

* * *

_**A**__nd thusly did our Lord speak, his voice filled with the thunder of his wrath, "The sight of thee offends mine eyes, Creature. Be gone from here!" _

_The foul shade cried out in rage and struck out at our Lord, but the dead hold no power over our Lord, whose broth is the soup of life itself._

* * *

**T**he Kyuubi no Kitsune stared down through the massive bars of his dank cell, his eyes narrowed partially in annoyance, partially in an attempt to shield his eyes from the serene white light that filled the gaps between the bars.

_A cat._

His keen intellect chewed on that for a moment.

…_the hell?_

His chance had finally, _finally_ appeared in front of him, and it was… it was…

…**a cat?**

The sheer force of his rage should have flash-boiled seas and turned deserts into glass. At the very least, the offensive creature sitting calmly in front of him should have been utterly destroyed. Instead, the water that constantly plagued his mighty feet rippled a bit. The cat remained unharmed and, unfortunately, feline.

He exerted a semblance of control over his fury and studied the puny creature closely in an effort to divine why it had appeared in front of him.

It was a cat. No matter how he looked at it, it was a cat. Why had a cat appeared? More importantly, _how_ could a cat have appeared? It wasn't like a stray could just wander into the metaphysical jail cell that was—and wasn't—Naruto's stomach. The Kyuubi's eyes narrowed further as he strained to see the fine details. When you were as colossal as the Kyuubi, housecats were tricky to make out—it wasn't a task beyond his keen eyesight, of course, just slightly difficult.

It was not _just_ a cat, he eventually decided while the puny feline calmly licked its paws. Not unless cats had changed a great deal since he had been sealed, anyway. The swirling black patterns on its white fur were unusual, but it was the glowing eyes and the two luxuriously furry tails absently waving behind it that really gave it away.

Another bijuu stood—sat, really—in front of him. It was smaller than he had anticipated, but what could one really expect from the two-tails?

**NIBI NO NEKOMATA**, spoke the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the Beast, the Adversary, the Devourer of Hope. His voice thundered, each syllable a collapsing mountain, in tones far beyond the realm of mortal comprehension. **WHY HAVE YOU COME? **

There was no response. The Kyuubi stared down at the inferior creature—because it certainly wasn't his peer; he had no peers—with an annoyed, expectant gaze.

**SPEAK, LITTLE CREATURE! **Kyuubi demanded impatiently when the silence stretched beyond his patience. He stamped a mighty paw down, causing the floor to shiver. The cat jumped, startled, and stared up at the titanic fox curiously. It took a great deal of effort for the Kyuubi to leash his rage at the cat's disrespect, but he had no choice. Pathetic little creature as it was, the Nibi was currently his best chance of getting out of the hellhole he was stuck in. The so-called living ghost had to be good for at least that much.

Now that he thought about it, good fortune must have been smiling on him. The Nibi no Nekomata had many unique capabilities that made it well suited to be his subordinate. No other bijuu would have been able to appear before him inside the seal except for the demon that was hailed as a living ghost.

**Meow**, the Nibi ventured.

The Kyuubi blinked.

…**WHAT?**

**Meow. **When the Kyuubi remained silent, the demon cat's head tilted questioningly. **Meow?**

_KILL, _the Kyuubi thought. But no, he couldn't do that, even if the crushing disappointment thrumming through him demanded DEATH.

He had forgotten that some of his… inferiors… lacked all of the components necessary for speech. Or cognitive thinking. Or any kind of intelligence beyond their basic instincts.

Some of the bijuu were just stupid, like the one sitting in front of him, the one that was apparently his only hope. It wasn't their fault they were drooling idiots, was it? Could he hold their nature against them?

He thought about that. Yes,he decided eventually, he could_. _

Further contemplation yielded more insight about the future of his schemes now that his main pawn had shown itself.

_SHIT. _

Eventually, once he had removed his paws from their place covering his head and stood up again, he sighed in resignation and looked down at his new ally. It waved a small, pink-padded paw in the air as if slashing at an imaginary foe… or a butterfly.

All he had to do was figure out how to impose his will on a cat and get it to do his bidding, and then he could begin laying the groundwork for his escape.

* * *

**A**_nd in the East, in the land where lightning danced eternally among the clouds, the Adversary stirred. In his cunning, he struck a pact with a foul shade, and the nations of man trembled as the Beast once again cast his shadow over the world._

* * *

**Omake**

* * *

Book of Naruto Omake

**Naruto vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster  
**  
**By** **zerohour**

"It's good to be alone." Naruto thought to himself. Ever since he went back to Konoha, people had been spending time with him, following him, and outright stalking him. It was impossible for him to get a moment to himself! After complaining to Tsunade about his situation, she told him that his best bet would be to head out to the middle of nowhere, and rest while she got the situation under control. Naruto followed her advice, and headed back towards Earth Country, settling in at an abandoned cabin near a mountain lake. It had been three days, and it was good to be alone.

So of course, something had to go wrong.

Naruto lazily opened his eyes as he heard a faint rumbling sound. Assuming it was an approaching storm, Naruto stretched and began to head back inside.

"I suppose this weather was too good to last... I just hope the storm passes quickly." he sighed, glancing upward.

He froze, staring at the small, pulsing sphere of malevolent energy. As he watched, it seemed to grow larger and larger, before swelling up, and exploding in a devastating wave of destruction.

"COME ON!!" Naruto shouted to the Heavens. He had just wanted a break, why couldn't he just get that? Why did something always have to happen? Banishing his complaints, Naruto focused on regaining his balance, and just barely managed it before crashing violently to the ground.

**"NARUTO UZUMAKI"** a voice boomed from the remnants of the cloud. Angrily, Naruto turned to face it.

"WHAT?!"

**"FOR DARING TO TRESPASS INTO MY DOMAIN, YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!! PREPARE TO FACE THE NOODLY WRATH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!!"**

Naruto stared. The Flying Spaghetti Monster? What the hell was that?! Almost as soon as he thought that, it emerged from the cloud, it's noodle tentacles flailing around, seeking to destroy the one who dared to usurp it position as lord of all that is noodly. Naruto continued to stare, shocked at the sheer oddity of his opponent.

'So that's a Flying Spaghetti Monster...' Naruto didn't have time to ponder it further, for the Beast had begun it's attack.

Its massive tentacles lashed out, and Naruto frantically dodged them, only to be besieged by shrapnel as they slammed into the ground, tearing it apart. Judging by the sheer might of the attack, Naruto wasn't going to be able to fight it head on. He need a plan, and FAST.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!!" While not much of a plan, swarming the enemy had worked in the past, and hopefully, it could buy the real Naruto the time he needed.

**"INSOLENT WORMS!! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY DIVINE NOODLES!!"** it roared, thrashing about, trying to dislodge the Bunshin, swatting at them as if they were no more than irritating insects. All too soon, the clone army was defeated, and it fell upon Naruto once again.

Naruto sprinted towards the lake, narrowly dodging the rain of blows. The mountain terrain was too rough to fight, but on a smooth, surface like the lake, he might just have a chance. While his thinking was sound the benefit of full maneuverability was offset by the loss of cover. A new series of attacks and dodges began, and Naruto came to a realization.

'Against something this big... I'm going to need Gamabunta.' Naruto thought as he continued to avoid the flailing limbs. Seeing a slight opening, Naruto ran into the tangle of tentacles, slowing working his way to the top of his enemy. The Monster lashed out, all of its whips converging upon him, but Naruto managed to avoid them by leaping upwards. In the precious seconds it took for the Beast to recover from its attack, Naruto's hand flashed through the signs, and with a dash of blood, completed the preparations.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!!"

Naruto grinned, sure of victory, but his confidence faded to horror as nothing happened. No poof of smoke, no massive toad, not even a tadpole.

Nothing.

**"DID YOU THINK YOU COULD SUMMON YOUR SERVANT IN A FIGHT OF GODS!? YOU FOOL!!"** The Flying Spagetti Monster roared, smashing the stunned Naruto. He had taken hard blows before, but they paled in comparison to a direct hit from a divine being. The lake exploded as Naruto smashed through the formerly calm surface, and began his slow, unstoppable, final descent.

* * *

'Damn..' Naruto hazily thought to himself as he sank deeper into the lake. All it took was one direct hit, and he was down for the count. The creature had been strong, far stronger than he had thought possible. He had fought valiantly, but it seemed that he had finally been beaten, and that his fate was to sink beneath the waves, and die.

'Stupid... noodle thing... if it were ramen, I'd...' like divine providence, clarity shot through Naruto, as a new plan formed in his brain. It was unorthodox, but what battle of his hadn't been? Naruto rapidly began to move. He might still die, but he'd still take that thing down with him!!

* * *

Above the lake, the Flying Spaghetti Monster floated, darkly laughing at its victory over the usurper. However, its celebration was cut short as it felt.. something happening beneath the water. It peered down into the depths, and was shocked as thousands upon thousands of clones strung up, forming into chains, trapping it. The Beast roared, heaving it's girth against its prison, but the chains held tight, and with a massive pull, the chains constricted and began to drag it below the surface. The last thing it saw before immersion was a horde of clones surrounding the lake, smirking.

"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!!"

As the water began to boil, the Monster writhed in pain. Below it, it spotted the original Naruto, and its throes intensified, its hatred giving it new strength. Several clones dissipated from the stress, but for each fallen one, ten took its place. At the bottom of the lake, the original Naruto grinned.

He made a mental note to thank Neji. He may have gone a little nuts, but he was still a good friend, and had been willing to teach Naruto a few of his techniques, this one being the key to his plan.

'KAITEN!!'

Naruto began to spin, similar to how Neji had done when they had first fought. But as he poured more and more chakra into it, he moved faster and faster, the area he affected growing larger and larger. Soon, his body began to glow with the massive amount of chakra the technique was consuming, as the entire lake was consumed by the unstoppable spiral.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster screamed as the adverse conditions began to break down it's body. All it could do was watch helplessly as Naruto, the boy it had sought to destroy, brought about its end.

Naruto continued to gain speed, and the eye of the storm began to rise, carrying him with it, straight through the core of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, shredding it from the inside. Its screams drowned out by the sound of boiling water. Naruto's rise continued, the energy saturating the water, causing its very makeup to change.

Finally, Naruto broke the surface, and the maelstrom reached its peak. The fires on the edge of the lake died out as the clones flickered out as their chakra was exhausted. Beneath the surface, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was freed as the clones failed from the sheer destructive force. In a last, desperate action, it rapidly rose to the surface, seeking to end Naruto's life.

Naruto was ready.

He forcefully ejected himself from the core of the Kaiten, taking the spiraling sphere in his hands, forcing it to even greater heights of power. As the Flying Spaghetti Monster broke the surface, he slammed the massive sphere into its core, shattering it forever.

"TENRAI RASENGAN!!" He roared, as the spinning sphere of death met his opponent, before it exploded from its own sheer power. The shock waves ripped through the lake, finalizing the changes brought about by the epic battle. As the waves of power faded, Naruto collapsed on the surface of the lake, his body exhausted. Finally taking notice of his surroundings, and the changes he had wrought, Naruto tentatively tasted the altered water. Energy flowed through him, even as his shocked mind began to work once again.

"Tastes like..."

Naruto stood up, and stared in disbelief. The entire lake was filled with broth, and the remains of the Monster had broken down into noodles, fishcakes, and every other topping he could imagine.

An entire lake of Ramen.

"I think I died and went to heaven..." Naruto muttered to himself as he took in the amazing scene.

"Now where's my bowl?!"

* * *

And thus, did our lord defeat his mightiest opponent, and form the holy site of Lake Ramenia. A testament to his unlimited power, and a beacon of hope to all of us strong enough to follow his way.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto is the creator, and owns the rights to Naruto and all the characters and situations contained therein. This is a non-profit work of fiction.

Author's Notes:

Chapter 2 is finally done after about eleven months since the release of chapter one. It was quite a feat, I must say. Sometimes my blazing fast writing speed surprises even me.

Anyway, I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it… which is to say, none at all.

Kidding.

The omake was written by zerohour. Thanks for the contribution, man (or woman/thing/tentacle and or noodle monster, whichever the case might be).

Check out The Book of Naruto's forum at www. fanfiction. net/ft/51642/31433/1/ (remove the spaces) for discussion, review responses, progress updates, and... stuff.

Once again, I have to thank Duke Bonez, for helping me proofread this chapter. Thanks!

If you see any errors or inconsistencies, please let me know. Other than that, comments are always welcome. If you are going to criticize, all I ask is that it is constructive (again, tell me what is wrong and _why _it is wrong, otherwise it does me no good).

Thank you for reading The Book of Naruto!


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